I love squash. In the winter, it’s pretty much all I eat. It’s such an easy food too! Just cut it open, scoop out the seeds and bake it – automatic deliciousness. However, one squash can be a lot for a person to finish as I’ve discovered, living on my own. So last night, my former roommates and I had a mini squash party and what started out as an informal get-together morphed into visiting happy hour at a local restaurant. As the night wore on, my former desi roommate blurts out, “Oh, I have something to tell you!”, but refused to say it in front of the group.
Turns out, the campus desis know I’m a homo – even the freshman who’s been on campus for only four months – four months in which I haven’t been in a lesbian relationship, oddly enough. The desi roommate’s boyfriend is a teaching assistant for freshman biology. Apparently some of the kids in his class, upon realizing that we’re friends on Facebook, kept asking him if he knew if I was a lesbian. And former desi roommate has been pestered non-stop by other desis for the same info. Neither has said anything but they really don’t need to. Apparently, the cat isn’t just out of the bag – the cat is running down the street after having turned my life into its litter box.
I’ve been expecting this for a while now. Hell, I’m almost surprised it didn’t come sooner. It’s been a little over three years in which I’ve not worked very hard to hide my sexuality. In my time at college, I’ve played rugby, cut my hair insanely short, had a “really close friend” who would always pick me up from bhangra practice, and I openly declared that my thesis was about healthcare not meeting the needs of queer women – you’d have to be wilfully ignorant to not be able to put those facts together.
I think what prevents me from being as relieved as I thought I would be is the fact that no one, not a single person, has approached me personally about it. I’m a relatively well-known campus desi – I’m on the board of the Indian Student Association and I’m a member of the bhangra team. I interact with a lot of brown people on a frequent basis. If this is hot campus gossip, how come not one person has asked me about the truth? I recognize that asking someone about their sexuality can be intimidating but I feel as though someone could have at least alerted me to the fact that I was the center of this gossip firestorm. These are people who generally have positive opinions about gay rights but they can’t handle one of their own being a homo?
On one hand, this saves me a lot of trouble. If they all assume I’m a lesbian, I could technically just relax into the label everyone else has made for me. But that in itself is a problem. I’m not a lesbian, and while I have a stronger affinity for female-identified persons than male, the label I need to use is queer. Part of me wants to just believe that the exact label doesn’t matter, that the important part is that people understand that I’m non-hetero. But I know that’s not how people will understand it and it’s frustrating. I want to be out on my own terms but I’m not brave or empowered enough right now to do so. I’m still financially dependent on my parents (whose financial support is conditional on the gag order they’ve given me), and there is a chance that I’ll go back to living with them post-graduation. Even though my parents know, they would be devastated if other people knew our deep dark secret.
And then I wonder about the implications this has for my male partner. Being in an apparent hetero relationship (we’re both queer identified, but with opposite gender identities), with all of the hetero privilege it comes with, this adds a totally strange dimension to this debate. Back in October, my partner requested to link us as ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook and sent me a request to make it “Facebook official”. And it’s been sitting in my requests tab ever since. My relationships with women have never been “Facebook official” – would it be fair for me to go public with a relationship now that I have a male partner? Is it even fair for me to judge those relationships with each other?
I know for a fact that there have to be other desis on campus who are so far in the closet that they’re frolicking in Narnia with Aslan. I hope those kids are comforted by the fact that despite my intensely rumored lesbianism, I’m still well-liked and involved in campus Indian culture. But if I acknowledge being in a “hetero” relationship, what kind of example does that set? People are going to think I had my requisite college lesbian experience, and then went back to men. Ugh.
I know I need to worry less about the public perception of my actions and just do what feels right, but it’s so nerve-wracking to know that I’m the guinea pig. Insofar as I know, there have been no other openly-queer desis on campus. There are barely any in my state – and they’re all gay men. The Indian community here is all first-generation, very conservative, and very tight-knit. I’m trying so hard to be an advocate, and be true to myself, but I don’t know where to go from here.
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Same day edit: I’ve had a couple hours to think about it. I went to rugby practice in the hopes that tackling would make me feel less angry – it didn’t help. I’m officially furious. I don’t feel like anyone has a right to pass judgment on me and my sexuality. I feel that since no one came and spoke to me about this, it is a clear indication that they’re not supportive. While I could care less what anyone thinks of me, I find the gossip abhorrent. Part of me wants to be confrontational. The other part of me feels if I’m not ready to accept all of the potential consequences of a verbal throw-down, I shouldn’t engage in one. I feel so incredibly ill-equipped to deal with this right now, because while I want to take a stand and call people out on their bullshit, ultimately it comes down to keeping this away from my parents. I’d be grateful for some thoughts/advice.
I feel that the fact that nobody asked you directly about your sexuality actually could help you in this case. It just means that they had certain assumptions, and like every other assumption, its existence itself does not guarantee its veracity.
In your case, this is the truth. Everyone assumed that you are a lesbian. If they had asked you, they might have found out that you are not. So I feel you just do what you have been doing all along, just live the life which you feel is closest to your truth. If you are in a relationship with a male, keep doing that. Soon enough, people will figure that out as well, and will change their assumption.
As far as Facebook relationship status is concerned, I would suggest that you don’t change it. Simply because it seems that you don’t feel the need to do that, and you might be doing it only because it came as a request from your partner. You can communicate this to your partner, and maybe, after some more time passes, and you feel that you are ready to change it because you feel like it, then you can take that step. I am sure that he will understand it. And just because your Facebook relationship status doesn’t announce it, that doesn’t mean your relationship dishonest or undermine it in any way.
I am confused … some questions for you …Sorry!
Are you Bi-Curious or Bi-Sexual ?
Are you afraid of the society and others perception on your sexuality?
What does this statement means ….I have a stronger affinity for female-identified persons than male … Sexually or something else?
People are going to think I had my requisite college lesbian experience, and then went back to men…..
don’t give a damn what the world thinks or your society is …my personal opinion!
I am just trying to understand the core of this article. I am sorry!!!
Disclaimer: I’m not writing the following with any notions of how you identify or suggestions of how you should identify – that’s entirely your decision, and you’ve already shared it in a previous post (margin of error). I’m just sharing my experiences in hopes that it might give you fodder for thought.
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I first came out to the desi community on a US college campus in the context of a sensitization of the Indian Student Association on LGBT issues. I was doing this sensitization with 2-3 other queer desis in the form of a panel discussion. Even though I identified at that panel (and continue to do so now) as bi, most people in that forum conveniently overlooked that fact and spread the word that I was gay – an assumption that was bolstered by the fact that I happened to be dating someone of the same sex then. A couple of years down the line I found myself in a relationship with someone of the other sex. Among desis (and others) who didn’t know me well, this led to speculation that I was selling out, succumbing to society pressure, etc.
I didn’t care then, and don’t care now. Fifteen years later, I continue to speak out about LGBT issues and confront homo/bi/trans phobia. Those who want to make assumptions or try to second-guess my sexuality are free to do so. Yes it is annoying when I come to know there are people whispering about me behind my back – but hey, as long as my conscience is clear, and I’m not leading anyone on, deceiving my partner, or disavowing my queerness in any way – it’s not my problem but theirs.
I’m not confused – they may be. I’m not being hypocritical – they are, by presenting one face to me and saying things behind my back. And so it goes.
The only suggestion I have is to consider coming out to your parents when the time is right, if you think your sexuality, in its fullness and complexity, is important enough for them to know about. The coming out may spare them from unpleasantness of having to hear about it from a third party, that’s all.
Ok, re-reading your note I gather you have come out to your parents already. Then you don’t need to worry. If word gets back to them – you can say you were following your gag order but had no control of what others were saying
Sucks! It never is nice when one is outed without their consent. On a tangent, a lot of queer folks don’t get this either. I have had a lot of my “friends” out me without my consent and it infuriates me a lot. I start hanging out with them less and less and eventually it comes to a point when I do not see them again.
At those times, I go into a damage control mode. I am left doubting if I am ashamed of myself or if they violated a trust thus sharing an intimate part about me with someone else. At the end of the day, I cannot do much.
Sometimes, i have proactively approached those people I have been outed to and donned a activist/educator hat. Should I know if the person is an Ass&*#$ I do not bother. It comes down to a case by case basis and depends on, how emotionally connected I am to those people.
Hugs! Stay bold and calm sweetie. This incident should probably harden your resolve to fight phobia better.
ps: When you get a chance, read sonal’s column in gaysi a while back. She went through a similar struggle.