Bullying and intimidation of queer people has become a hot button issue. As a society, we’re more focused than ever on making sure that bullying isn’t harming queer kids the way it has in the past. Lots of anti-bullying campaigns focus on the fact that once a kid is out of high school, they get to be a lot more selective in the people they hang out with, and as a result, they escape from a lot of the bullying. But is high school really where bullying ends?
The more deeply I become involved in my queer community, the more I recognize that bullying is not simply an external issue – it’s internal too, and it’s ugly. The queer community is not very welcoming to many of its own members. Being a gold-star lesbian cis-woman or gay cis-male is the best way to gain membership to the queer country club. But those who happen to identify outside of strict cis-gendered and homosexual boundaries find themselves to be considered second class citizens. The only thing worse than being marginalized is being further marginalized within a group that is supposed to offer support.
How many times have we ladies heard our queer female friends say “I’d never date a bisexual” or “I’m not really into trans-women”? And how many times have we let it slide? I’m not saying people cannot have opinions on who they are dating. But when those opinions are the result of deep-seated prejudices against bisexual and transgendered individuals, then it’s a problem that needs to be addressed.
Queer media likes to act like these issues are confined to the older queer population, and that the young modern queers are all about inclusivity. Unfortunately, that’s not at all true. And it’s sad. Queer spaces are often designated as “safe spaces” for us to be who we actually are even when we can’t be that person in public. We’re all just looking for acceptance. And when there are people in those spaces actively excluding others, it makes me sick at heart.
We live in a time when being queer isn’t easy. We also happen to live in the digital age, which makes bullying so much more prevalent, subtle, and pervasive in all aspects of queer life. So do your part – remember that every person you meet is fighting their own battle, and their sexual and gender identity are not open to your interpretations. Remember that when you came out, people supported you – and do your best to offer that support to others. And for fucks sake, if you have friends that perpetuate this junk – give them a piece of your mind, lovingly. Let them know exactly how much damage they can cause by opening their fool mouths. It’s sad enough that we lose queer individuals to bullying in schools – we shouldn’t be losing queer individuals to bullying from within their own community.
I think there is a big difference between bullying and prejudice. Of course there is prejudice and bias in the queer community, but i dont think one can claim to be bullied because of the examples you gave. To say “i don’t date bi girls” shows prejudice but its hardly bullying.
I think to equate what bias queers may perpetuate on each other to the bullying that happens to queer kids is severely conflating issues. I am not say bisexuals on trans people should be made to feel unsafe in any where in any space, but what is happening to queer kids in high schools is a much bigger problem and a more vicious problem. Its causing kids to kill themselves whereas my hearing that someone wont date me because I am bi, makes me shrug my shoulder and roll my eyes.
I am perfectly fine discussing bias within the queer community, but equating it to the bullying in high school really feels somewhat intellectually dishonest to me.
priyanka, just because misszero has given a watered-down example doesn’t invalidate the rest of her statements. I am don’t think the keynote of her article was equating bias with bullying. and if you want to know the exact instances of bullying then count the number of times where transgirls were told that their presence was welcomed but not to pursue their own ‘agendas’ in women-only-festivals. or all those moments when post ops girls were taunted with ‘had an elk between your legs’ comments. and these comments originated from within.
Finally it’s not my original idea to sound cantankerous but please don’t take individual examples and try to challenge the main essence of an article.
I didn’t reply to this for a while because I didn’t really know how to respond.
So I’ll start by telling you a little story about “intellectual dishonesty”. I’m an Honors student, writing my thesis about how healthcare doesn’t meet the needs of individuals identified or assigned as women who have non-normative sexual or gender identities. When I started writing and researching for my thesis, I was dating a cis-woman. That relationship ended, and I’m now dating a cis-male. Some individuals within my so-called “queer community” tried to file a complaint about me and my research with my university’s ethics review board, on the basis that I was “no longer qualified to be doing research on the queer community from within the queer community”, due to my current partner’s sex. I would have had to take a whole extra YEAR in university had the complaint been found to have merit, or had to forfeit my Honors status. Thankfully, I had a very progressive ethics committee. Even so, I ended up spending an entire term fighting for the right to be able to continue with my project, and I had to seriously scale back a lot of research elements. Which ultimately hurts no one but the queer community my thesis was intended to help.
I believe that bias and prejudice are a precursor to bullying. It starts with “I don’t date bi girls”. And it turns into “bi girls are whores” (I can no longer comfortably go out to gay nights at the bars in my university town). And then it turns into “bi girls don’t understand queer issues, they’re just sluts”. I didn’t talk extensively about how ridiculously fucking awful my life has been these past couple months because I don’t like to dwell on the negative. But I think you’re kidding yourself if you believe that peoples’ individual biases and prejudices don’t contribute to how they subsequently treat people. You can’t hold negative ideas about others in your head and then treat them like valid human beings.
OF COURSE high school bullying is an issue. I believe that as a queer community, we absolutely need to do everything we possibly can to protect our youth. But it’s a massive oversight if we act like bullying is solely an external issue. Bullying of adults happens, and when you’re an adult, there is no principal/teacher/parent out there with the ability to protect you on some level. I’m not saying we should ignore bullying on the basis of sexual or gender identity in high schools – I’m saying we should address that the queer “community” has a lot of soul searching to do in terms of not throwing their own under the bus.
Well said.
This article made me remember my school days with a lot of guilt.
A boy in school, bit effeminate, bit different in a pack of so called macho kids. His orientation till today is unknown. obviously that boy was branded and bullied. No one stood up for him, not his “friends” not his teachers. No one.. We used to travel in the same bus, i used to see him sit in a corner, quietly read a book, sometimes cry to himself. I used to wonder if i could help. I never did anything. High schools days i was unsure and scared. We were in different years and i graduated ahead of him. I forgot about it when i entered university. i moved out of india. Then i realized my orientation. I am a bi. I can honestly agree with misszero’s statements about the treatment of bi’s in the lgbt community. I used to be part of the lgbt group and one day. Bam. I was no longer welcome. why? I broke up with a girl and she told everyone i was pretending to be bi but actually very straight. Bi-curious is also apparently not welcomed in the community. My initial days when i was trying to figure things out, i was shunned. Cause some point i was with a straight man. Well i was curious about women. I was 18 and trying to find my place. Apparently that is the biggest crime in their eyes. I used to wonder why have the B in LGBT when obviously we are not welcome. Anyway those days i used to wonder.. if i had helped that boy in high school.. maybe..just maybe i would have had better 4 yrs of my uni. during my masters i found peace. Now i am Bi and very proud of it. I don mind being shunted anymore. Its just who i am. But it took me a long time. 8 yrs infact to accept myself and find acceptance in my close circle. I am now back in india but still very scared to locate that boy.
Thank you miss zero for sharing something so personal. We can call it bullying or we can all it prejudice – but the fact is phobia within the Out Queer community is for real. (I say OUT Queer – cause I do subscribe to the notion of universal Queerness – everyone has same sex / opp sex attraction – very few are straight as a pole, or 100% gay! – only the degree and extent varies…) Majority of hetero normative people haven’t come to terms with themselves yet…and may never do so …thanks to social mores and ideas about attraction / family values etc that have been passed on to them…For a different reason, many queer people will hesitate to admit opp sex attraction within the community…for fear of discrimination…
Stereotypes / bullying / prejudice exists on all sides….All bisexual / bicurious ppl are not sluts and don’t have half the sex lives they are made out to be having! All gay people are not into orgies, group sex…etc….which is the perception many people seem to be having about gays….Its not all about sex, baby! Its about who you like.
Live and let live. Let go of fear and prejudice…You like who you like. Sexuality aint a choice. Till science can prove otherwise, accept who you / others, as they are…
[…] Bullying Within the Queer Community | Gaysi Posted in BiCurious Posts, General Bisexual Tags: bicurious posts, culture, digital, featured, general bisexual, inopinion, king, people, queer, remember, stories « Dharun Ravi's Thought Crimes – Reason Magazine Is it a myth that most or all college girls are … » You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. […]
Great article MZ. I have the same thoughts like you do. Prejudice, Bullying or whatever other word, one might choose to use, the point is some members of the Q community do face discrimination on several fronts which makes them less participative in support groups and hence less visible in Q circles and hence not being there in debunking myths and stereotypes. And then it becomes a chicken an egg problem.
Nicely articulated.
No, @Priyanka I think you are mistaken – equating anti-bi “preference” to high-school bullying is not intellectual dishonesty. These preferences, if not checked, can manifest into excuses for queer people to bully others who challenge them. This experience can be equally as traumatic as bullying in high schools, and sometimes more, because people rarely discuss adult bullying, especially within queer communities.
I came across your post when i was researching bullying in queer communities – there isn’t really a lot of work or writing out there on this, especially since the explosion of the It Gets Better straight-bullying-queer people narrative.
I’m a 26 yr old queer POC cis female and often date cis men. I’ve definitely been on the same receiving end of the queer shit-stick as you have. A brief sketch of my most recent experience: My ex-gf was a man-hater who would frequently flirt with men in coffeeshops, but was incredibly insecure over my sexuality and would frequently say bullying (and obviously, abusive) things like “i think women who sleep with men are ‘dirty’, have lots of STI’s, and are disgusting”. When i confronted her about her hypocritical behaviour and comments, her response was denial (“oh i didn’t mean you!” … ) and dismissiveness (“oh I don’t flirt with them! I just give them my number so we can be friends!”). At some point in our 2 year relationship we opened our relationship and she assured me she was okay with me sleeping with men. I slept with a guy. Predictably, she went ballistic and was very verbally abusive towards me.
After our breakup (due to the above), she stalked, harassed, and gossiped about me non-stop for 6 months. She also rallied the queer troops. She found SO many people to support her “bi girls are dirty” POV. Very few queer friends challenged her POV, her abusive behaviour (which they knew about), or her gossiping. My friend who did challenge her got character assassinated. For me and my friend who stood up to her, this behaviour has lead to a lot of social isolation, a lot of loneliness and a lot of depression.
My ex was clearly abusive, but the queer bullying I experienced post-breakup from members of the queer community I had been friends with was more disturbing to me. It was 22-30+ year old queer people acting unlike anything I had ever experienced in high-school – shunning me on the street, giving me rude hand gestures, gossiping about me at parties and events, saying they resent me or have betrayed them, sending mean FB msgs…etc. It’s been 1.5 years and it still really affects the way I live my life and move around my city – I’ll be honest, even though I’ve been going to therapy and have a really supportive current gf and loving family, I’ve thought about suicide multiple times because this has been a really overwhelming and hard experience.
@misszero – all this to say I’m sorry you’ve had such a shitty experience in the academy. intellectual bullying is real and it can be awful and de-validating, and I think what happened to you is shit, but not surprising, given my experience (I just finished my MA last year). I’m glad you managed to win your case, and I’m glad your ethics committee didn’t escalate or respond to the bullying the way the bullies wanted them to. Thanks for sharing your story (even though you seemed hesitant!). It really helps me to hear that I’m not the only person experiencing this kind of behaviour from members of queer communities.