In the past 4 months, I’ve been to three weddings. Each one of them unfailingly sent me spiralling into a personal crisis of sorts and left me on the verge of completely breaking down. In spite of being amongst hundreds of people, I’ve never felt this left out and so very alone. And each time, I was filled with this sadness and utter dejection because the potential of being rejected by everyone close to me became very real very quickly.
I know that this is just a society approved ritual. I don’t particularly care about it. If I were to get married, I know it will be for love and not because it’s the right age to marry, or because society demands that I do. That’s not what bothers me. What bothers me is that there’s a very good chance that when I tell them who I love, they will make me feel like I don’t belong. That feeling right there is more than enough to break me. I know, I know. The ones who love you will get around to accepting you, you don’t need someone else’s approval to live your life and all that. But when you are watching hundreds of people standing there and sending out their well wishes to the couple, you realize you want them for yourself too. This…good will. And love. Given from the bottom of their hearts, without questioning your choice.
I’m not afraid of telling people I’m queer. I’ve slowly made my peace with that. But god, the thought of disappointing my parents is something I just cannot take. I look at their faces during these weddings and I can see the hope they have, that this day might come for me as well. I see unhappiness too, that I’m putting this day off. And whenever I picture myself coming out to them, I want to cry. Because I can see shame on their faces. I can feel their inability to face the rest of the family. I can sense their hurt and heartbreak. And that’s when I wonder if I’m better off dead. That’s when I wish I was straight.
LJ, hugs to you.
I’ve been there, felt that, thought it would be the end of the world. It isn’t.
Your parents might surprise you. Or not. Either way things always seem scarier than they turn out to be.
*big tight hug*
Touché
With time, your parents might realize how lucky they are to have a daughter who is brave enough to fight a battle which can be considered one of the toughest in life. They might think, they have done some things right while bringing you up as their child. That is a far bigger compliment than any other. And they are one of luckiest parents around!
Just stick it out and fight! Best wishes! 🙂
Parents come around. No matter what. They love their kids – most desi parents do. Its just strange for them – thats all.
Have you seen Summer in my Veins? Nishit Saran’s experimental docu where he comes out to his mother on camera….I love how she goes from denial to disbelief to finally unconditional love and acceptance of her son! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVZApkp9MNs
Thats how it is with most parents – they will go thru the entire gamut of emotions – acceptance may not be instant as over here, but eventually they will come around. Hang in there!
Thank you, you guys. For all the encouraging words. 🙂
hey frd i am also in the similar situation….except the fact that i am male and gay, but none in family and frd know abt this situation ……i understand the pain and irony that life has given us……we did’t choose to be like this ,this is our destiny and now i am trying to search someone like lesbian who can spend her life as frd with me …..can u help
<3
🙂
Hi friend i think we both are sailing on the same boat and can help each other …..first of all I want to tell u that I am male, from Rajasthan(Jaipur)……Also I am a gay but never been in relationship with a boy but i do feel attaction…….and now as I am setteled my parents want me to get married ,but I know i won’t be haapy marrying with a normal girl as I will never be able to keep her satisfy, so I don’t want to spoil any girl’s life as well of mine…….so here I am looking for a girl as a life partner who is in situation like of mine ,like a lesbian who can live with me as a friend and do not expect any kind of physical relationship…….. we both understand eachother and help eachother to live a better life, this way we will be happy and also our parents…….I Hope u understand what i mean……..Please help me if u can ….to know more about me mail me at anup.choudhary at the rate gmail dot com
Would repeat all that HEN A had to say!!!
stick it out! u aint alone! :-))