This is my first post and I hope to introduce myself briefly without putting you off to sleep. I first came across this website two years ago, when I was still in the process of accepting who I was. At that time, I decided it would be interesting for me to write up my thoughts on being a 20-something South Asian women living a closeted life away from my home – my struggles, I thought, would find support among the community here. But when I started to pen down my thoughts, I realized what I really wanted was to give support, not receive it from people. The first few words I had penned down in May 2010 went something like this..
“I feel like I’m two faced too. On one hand, I live a happy life with a loving girlfriend and friends and coworkers (few) who love me for who I am, gaysi et al. On the other, it’s a happy turned grim life with my own family. At times I think they know they raised a gay daughter and are in that infamous phase of denial. But at times like today morning, I question that. When they send me ‘proposals’ from men I never knew existed, let alone met. When they send me links to Facebook profiles (gasp!) of men they think are a suitable match for me. Why oh why did I ever tell them I have a Facebook account. What should I do? Here lies a difficult crossroad. I’m not ready to let them know, yet I can’t keep tearing my own life apart for their happiness. Maybe you know of a better way?”
In March 2011, I finally came out to my mother. We were driving down from my hick hometown to New Delhi for a friend’s wedding. It was just me, her and the driver. I knew I was going to be cornered into answering why I was the only woman my age who showed little to no interest in getting married. My parents have never pressured me into anything, but this societal pressure wouldn’t even let them be. In the past few years, I had come to terms with being a lesbian, mainly because I was now living in the land of the free.. not in India. I had received great support and love from people around me, which made me realize what I was, and what I could be. Still, I had no plans to prance about declaring who I was to my parents on that trip. That trip was strictly reserved for my friend’s wedding. Yet here I was, sitting in a moving car with nowhere to hide. And so it began,
Mother: Chalo bacche, what is it? Are you seeing someone? You know you can tell us anything, we will be supportive. Is he American?
Me: *silence*
Mother: Are you concerned we won’t approve? I hope you know we are very open minded.
Me: *silence*
Mother: (jokingly) kahin koi ladki to nahi hai hahaha (Its not a girl, is it?)
Me: *burst into tears*
Mother: (laughter turns to silence to shock) Look at me, don’t pull my leg. Seriously, is that what it is?
Me: *crying* Maybe it is Ma. Actually, yes it is.
This was proceeded by 3 hours of silence while we drove to New Delhi. I cried myself to sleep, while she sat there numb. The next few days we didn’t touch back on this conversation. And then t-1 day before I had to fly back to the US, she called me while I was out with a friend saying..
“Beta, don’t worry. I am happy you shared your life with me, it must have been difficult. We love you, you will always be our daughter, don’t ever forget that.”
I cried tears of joy after I put the phone down. Was this for real? Did my dreams just become a reality? I was ecstatic, more than I’d ever been – happy. But alas, I misunderstood her. Because as we sat a few hours before we needed to leave for the airport, she talked about how I probably hadn’t met the right guy yet. How it may have been because I went to an all-girls school. Or perhaps, it was because I had emotional insecurities in my childhood. Every explanation you could think of, she gave me. How wrong I was. As I turned around to walk towards the airport gate, she hugged me and said “Take care, think of your mother please.” I came back to my apartment, not knowing how to feel. Usually, I feel sad when I leave home. For the first time, I was happy to be back to my life. To be myself. What followed in the next two weeks were several Skype conversations. Me trying to explain to her that this wasn’t just a phase, this is who I was. And no therapist, no doctor could change that. Her trying to give me more reasons as to why I was the way I was. When finally one day she broke down and maybe realized, I was a lost cause. My “gayness” was staying.
This was in March 2011. Since then, not a word has been spoken on the subject. Yes, they have stopped sending me marriage proposals. But they haven’t started to accept me yet, or that’s how it feels like. They still don’t know that I’m with someone, and they haven’t been there to see me go through heartbreaks, a privilege that many of my straight friends have. This is where I stand.
So where am I going with this? Two ways. One, for the people that are still struggling to come out to themselves, their friends, their family.. know that you WILL get past it. You will, because I did. At the end of the day, your life is in your hands, and whatever the outcome will be, know that YOU will feel liberated in unknown ways when you do feel comfortable coming out. Two, for the people that have gone through what I have, what do you do? Do you just let your parents sweep it under the carpet since you did your part? Or do you continue the conversation? And how?
This has been a longer post that I expected, and if you’re still awake – I promise you I will get funnier. The only other thing I’m sure about (other than being a lesbian), is that I am hilarious. So stick around, this will get better.
🙂 so relate to this post ! Story of my last few days!
They’ll get used to it. Atleast they are not sending you marriage proposals from men 🙂
I evaded the marriage issue long enough for them to stop bringing it up. I expect that my family will accord the same love and affection to my partner, that is reserved for my bro in law. That is not negotiable!!
I am prepared to take a tough stance including cutting of for a while if they don’t.
Everybody’s journey is different – Indian parents do try emotional blackmail at times – send them some gay literature, take them to support group meetings, and if they still refuse to acknowledge it and it really bothers you AND you are financially independent, tell them you love them but they must prove that they love you too by not standing in the way of your happiness. If it ends up being a cold war or they refuse to talk to you, cut off for a while. A friend told her folks that if they mention men or marriage one more time, she would cease to have a relationship with them – they turned around in 2 months. The only thing is you have to be strong and be prepared for the consequences and not let your folks use emotional blackmail for something you haven’t chosen.
cheers! hope it all works out!
Emotional blackmail is the worst, but I’m lucky my parents aren’t like that. They’re really very progressive considering the society they were brought up in. And like you said, its a journey!
Hey Cheese Poofs! Really enjoyed reading your post and welcome!!
Like yourself, I was a lurker before I began sharing my stories on Gaysi and there is one that seems mighty similar to the one that you have just written about 🙂
I am glad to hear you talk about that odd nether-land in between coming out and actual acceptance by one’s family that I find more of us delve into as we face such situations in our lives…Its a claustrophobic space – Less so than being in the closet, but aggravating on many levels.
On my part, I have tried continuing the conversation with my mother but sometime late last year after an eventful conversation …Just decided to not bother anymore. at least for a while. So for now, Yes! I let them sweep it under the carpet. Though I am not sure for how much longer I might let that continue… Hope you have it better soon!
Can’t wait to see you get Hilarious ! 😀
Thanks! I think there are so many of us going through this phase, especially coming from a culture where gay men/women (although I don’t see as many women) are still portrayed as they are in Bollywood. BUT, at the same time, its always good to know I’m not alone 🙂
Hey CheesyPoofs,
Cheers to coming out and thanks for sharing your experience.
I guess I have more or less the same to narrate, having come out to mom about 3 months ago, except that there has been no effort or hope to try and change my ‘mind’ 🙂 It hasn’t been the earth-shattering event that I thought it would be.. and there hasn’t been any discussion or questions, except for the assurance on that day itself that nothing would change and I am still loved.
I take this as enough for now..though i can imagine that them asking more could help to share this ‘side’ my life with them however I am not pushing beyond any comfort zones yet. I see from many other people’s experiences that it takes time.. how much – depends on every parent.
So, just take it by the day.. and may it get hilarious 🙂
Hey hi,
Congratulations for coming out…I know how it is to express yourself to your mom. But, you did it….congrats again….
I too have a story…but dont knw where to start and where to end….
Atleast you have a girl friend and supportive friends with you. You are really glad to have such people around you. All the best.
Loved reading your story, which is more or less the story of every gaysi 😉
A friend.
Rohit