The phrase “conscious uncoupling” has sky-rocketed to popularity since Gwyneth Paltrow recently announced her separation from Chris Martin on her blog. The uncoupling terminology seems to suggest that rather than being a bad thing, the mutual decision to part could actually be another step in life’s surprising journey.
I have been pondering this question for a while now: can two people in a relationship consciously uncouple? Can separation be a happy phenomenon? Can we really imagine a state of evolution when bitter breakups and nasty, emotional divorces are a thing of the past. Though we may share the same bedroom, as human beings, we are constantly evolving and growing as individuals each day based on our own individual journey. Is it really possible then, when dealing with a break-up, for both parties to be on the same page and consciously part on good terms?
A precious relationship of many years fell apart recently because it was the end of the road for us. There wasn’t much left in the relationship for both of us to want to remain in it. Perhaps this realization occurred to each party individually, at their own pace. We had been fighting for months – on the same issues to begin with, and finally, about anything and everything. And when fights start, we only tend to focus on the bad leading to the ugly.
What started out as a beautiful relationship of hilarious fun, mutual admiration, respect and lots of flirtation – something I thought would last forever – couldn’t survive a few tumultuous months of differences. Life as I knew it for the last few years had been beautifully entwined with this person. While we had constant differences in opinion, as our personalities were on the opposite sides of the rainbow, our core values were similar. Trust, commitment, loyalty and civility were things we both agreed were integral to any and every relationship, and what formed the basis of ours¬¬¬.
We used to talk every day, all the time. She knew every minor insignificant detail about my daily life, work, work colleagues, evil bosses, family, friends, enemies, the maids, the driver, the gym instructor, the newspaper guy – everything. She was on excellent terms with my BFFs living abroad, even though she had never met them. She knew my likes and dislikes, my strengths and my weaknesses; she even knew when I was pretending to pay attention to her banter. When we fought, she knew my defense strategies even before the words came out of my mind. I knew her inside-out too. I thought we were infallible and our relationship indestructible. Clearly, I was wrong. Nothing lasts forever– not even the strongest of relationships –when trust, commitment, loyalty and finally civility are lost. Recognizing the warning signs, we tried to salvage what we were in danger of losing. We identified the reasons for our growing distance and despite all the expert analysis, introspection and discussion, we decided to take a break, knowing full well that things would probably never return to what they used to be.
And that’s when I realized that this was us ‘consciously uncoupling.’ I wanted to be angry, annoyed, bitter and sad about the ‘break’ and the unspoken break-up. But strangely, when I just let myself be, I did not feel any of those emotions.
It took me a few days to realize that, strangely enough, I didn’t crave her attention or her phone calls anymore. I no longer compulsively felt the need to text her at the drop of a hat. Instead, I felt this inner calm, a sense of happiness and freedom for both of us, and I was at peace.
It has been almost six months since we last spoke, but I know that we both are in a good place, and happy in our own lives. I can confidently say that we both will remain incredibly special to each other. We will think fondly of the past, but there will be no scope for any new memories. Ordinarily, I would be crying buckets over this realization, but surprisingly enough, this feeling of not-feeling-anything was good too. And a happy one at that!
Hey….Loved the piece! It made me think. I guess communication & patience does go a long way.
Hey Icewoman, Thank you for your comments! True that communication is the key to any successful make-ups and in this case break ups 🙂
I think there’s always one heart that breaks. Maybe not right at the end, at the moment of uncoupling. But somewhere along the line. Either that, or both just fall out of love and get over each other while still in the relationship.
Hey, yes there is always a heart that breaks (even when you fall out of love right) and i think thats the starting point of the ending of the relationship. The heart break of course always is painful in the beginning but with time it subsidies and then you feel nothing. Perhaps you do miss the relationship sometimes (maybe because it also had become a habit) but its a habit you are no longer addicted to.
Oye TTW – nice piece! Altho a little deep for my current state of mind – which is FFF (frivolous, footloose & fancyfree 😉 Try Karo?
Conscious #Uncoupling : Breaking Up Without Falling apart http://t.co/HUo3NzJi1b #Relationships
well said, TTW. care and communication are essential to starting a relationship, and it takes maturity to end a relationship this way. having just walked this path myself, i can fully relate to everything you wrote. yet i feel more alive and happy than i have in years. some relationships become habits, as we’re not ready to be ‘single’, or the relationship has become ‘better than nothing’. hearts may break, but they heal well…and can grow even stronger for those who are able to keep them open and free. i’m glad to have ended my relationship with respect and love—and ready to explore myself and the world again. kudos to you for saying this all so well.
Thanks for your comments Jenaba Faye! Care and Communication are essential especially when the differences start. You were bang on about relationships becoming habits. Am the kind of person who mostly always ends a conversation with the three magic words and after a point of time, I began to question if I even truly felt it or was just saying it out of habit and expectation perhaps- in hindsight it was probably just an internal mechanism to pacify myself that everything was going to get resolved and that we were fine, when we were actually not! Anyway, life moves on and its good to get going with love and respect towards each other. And you know what they say, when we are truly ready to “let go” of the past, something better always comes along. SO here’s hoping it all works out for u too!!
TTW, great post. It is kind of freaky… I was wondering if someone had written my story.. I mean to the word! Exactly the length of relationship and 6 months since break up – opposite ends of of a spectrum.. being at peace.. etc. etc..
Thank you for this post. It’s good to know someone (besides Paltrow) thinks “conscious uncoupling” is plausible, if not totally possible. As cheesy as it may sound, for me it was realizing as much as you love this person, you have both learned from each other all you could and now it was just time to move on. And so, you move on. Uncouple. Untangle. Unravel.
Freaky freaky indeed. Am freaked out too!! LOL 🙂 I loved your replacement of the three magic words with three totally kick ass cool ones – “Uncouple, Untangle. Unravel”. We should keep exchanging notes to see if there are any more freaky coincidences in store for us 😉
Where’s the “LIKE” button, when you need it!? Let’s.. 🙂
P.S – I prefer $100 notes.. 😛
*cringes at her own comment* Apologies for the bad joke. SIGH.