Amidst every conversation about sex and sexuality there is one exchange that remains constant.
I sigh, “Coming out is a constant never-ending journey.”
My heterosexual friends shrug nonchalantly reply, “Yeah, you struggled, but now you’re out.”
I look down at my rainbow socks, I used to cover them with black school stockings. I stare at them like I stare at my abyss and get caught up amidst flashbacks. Maybe it is easy, maybe I should erase everything off. But what if I am not able to forget the trauma even after knocking down the closet doors?
1. I am 12.
That girl from 8th grade is so pretty, I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. Everybody has those thoughts, right?
2. “Take up God’s path, give up the Devil’s lifestyle,” Sister Jane told me.
3. I prayed to Jesus, I do not want him to hate me.
4. I am 13. My friends from school fought with me, they do not let me sit with them since she saw me google “girls loving girls”.
5. Do you know that Freddie Mercury loved boys too?
6. “HE DIED OF AIDS!” I read a comment, staring at my Queen poster. I don’t want to be like him.
7. I am 14. I can say philanthropy, exasperation, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious but not bis-
8. My cousins whispered to their mother, “She’s gay” NO, I AM NOT GAY. All of them look at me weirdly at family dinners.
9. That girl stares at me when I look away every time my boyfriend says “fa-“
10. I am 15. Do you know that gay people can marry in the US now?
11. “You don’t know bisexuality, don’t hop on trends.” It’s not a trend.
12. By the way, yes, I know how to pronounce that word now. I guess I want to break free now.
13. I am 16. A girl in school jokingly said, “Ew, lesbo!” when I held her hand walking down the hallway.
14. I don’t hug or compliment my best friend anymore. What if she gets to know that I love her?
15. Today I defended two junior girls at school, my friends were laughing at them because they might be dating.
16. I am 17. The Supreme Court of India has removed an act that called me “unnatural”. I guess I will be free now, be accepted, get married and-
17. The girl they caught me kissing left me a poem that sounds too much like the suicide note she left for them.
18. I am 18. It is going to be a year soon, my friends tell me that they are proud of me for coming out. I am a happy, out, proud Bisexual queen and-
19. My father still does not know. I am not free.
Is it that easy to forget everything? Am I doing this whole “queer thing” wrong? I smile, take a deep breath and let go the pandemonium running within me. “Yes, I am out now.”