An open letter to President Museveni. Uganda

Dear President Museveni,

I am proud of your decision to sign the anti-gay bill into effect on Monday dated 24-Feb-2014, and more importantly, I am really glad that you have also included the lesbians in this bill. These lesbians were always the silent trouble makers, and now we can finally clamp down on them! Their immoral behaviour has been the cause of Uganda’s economic problems.

Most certainly these gay people need to be controlled. How dare they go around spreading their homosexuality without thinking of the effects? After all, it was the gay people that launched; the Trojan War, Vietnam War, Soviet War, and not to forget the worst of them all, the Rainbow War of 1654. There is no doubt that curing Uganda of homosexuality would be an important stride towards achieving political stability in the world.

With regards to the scientific evidence on oral sex spreading worms, I do have some doubts.

You see Mr President, Oral sex is a much graver problem. I had this one Ugandan friend who engaged in oral sex and thus caught snakes, birds and dinosaurs as well! When he was finally rushed to the hospital due to all the pain in his stomach, it turned out that Noah’s Ark was growing inside his stomach! We nursed him back to health, but sadly due to his homosexuality, he also contracted the bubonic plague and passed away a few years ago.

Gay people need to understand that they are the cause of all these diseases! I have no doubt that with the help of this bill, we will be able to rid the world of HIV and even the common cold.

I hear that many western leaders are threatening to impose sanctions on you because of this bill, and have revoked funding and aid? Well, this is a good news in disguise. I have evidence that this money coming in our way, is laced with homosexuality and gay prostitution. Without their money, our battle for a better gay free world will be a great deal more comfortable. Men will go back to having sex with women, and some may even have sex with young girls as suggested by Mr. Simon Lokodo, but at least they’d be having the right kind of sex. Really thank God for that.

While I am proud of all the steps you have contracted to cleanse up the large nation of Uganda, I conceive you have missed out on one very significant level. All the people travelling to Uganda should be checked for homosexuality. Did you know that gays and lesbians have a bigger Skull than normal people? There is scientific evidence that their heads are almost 7-9% larger than that of a normal man. I assert that all people entering Uganda must take in their skulls measured to see if they are gays. We MUST NOT leave them to penetrate into the pure state of Uganda.

Lastly, President Museveni, let me compliment you on your visionary step towards promoting hatred and ferocity. Persecution and imprisonment of a community are critical and progressive in such times. You have been bold and I believe that leaders from India and Russia are also proud of you.

Cheers to a nation that teaches discrimination, immorality and ignorance!

Your most beloved follower,

Sherlock Homo

PS – You should look into the Ugandan Gorillas. I hear they are participating in some homosexual behaviour. No wonder God has punished them with poaching and extinction.