Dear Kat,
Sometimes I wonder, what would I do without you? You are that one friend who knows me inside out. You have seen me broke, drunk, fail exams, heartbroken, excited, disappointed in myself, lose people, unable to emote, have meaningless sex, let people down, date men, date women, grow up, discover myself and you have always simply been there. You have seen me have bad days and good ones. A cup of tea is your simple remedy to everything. You are my constant.
I share this comfortable space with you, where I don’t need to say anything, you figure it out anyway. Sometimes I rant; sometimes I don’t say a word. And you are always there with your cup of tea. Just sensing things on your own and understanding. You reaffirm to me, how some things never change.The comfortable space we share. The long aimless drives. The sleepovers. The morning walks. The restlessness to discover new cafes in the city. The birthday rituals. They never changed.
I remember the day I came out to you. I was so scared.
“So, I never really told you why I broke up with him.” I begun…
“Yes. He was nice. Tell me now.”
“Err…I think I am gay, or maybe bisexual. I am just discovering my sexual orientation. I am confused.”
“That’s stupid! It’s just a stupid phase. I know you. You have phases.”
“Kat! This is not. Actually, I had a huge crush on this girl and that’s how I realized.”
“Right! Who is this girl now?”
“Nobody.”
“No. Tell me. Your choices are terrible anyway.”
“Right! I HAD a crush on you.” “I am sorry, I mean I am totally over it now. It was stupid. You are a friend and nothing has changed you know.”
“Me???” you were laughing hysterically. “Your mother is going to hate me.”
“Eh, But you are not angry at me right?”
“No. Why would I be? It’s ok.”
“Ah! Good, that’s relieving. Phew! I thought you would walk out on me.”
“No. It would take a lot for you to disappoint me.” “So, If this isn’t a phase… I can’t believe I am your coming out story!” you continued giggling.
“Stop flying now!”
You wouldn’t stop giggling that evening. I was just so embarrassed. Unfortunately for me, you knew me too well, even back then. You made it all about you just to put me in an awkward spot. You evil woman, you!
Whether it was that day or another, you always accepted me for everything that I am and everything I am not. It is funny. We are atypical and yet we get along so well. You believe in gestures, while I am always expressing my affection through words. You rarely hug people and I always embrace you, just to mess with you. Irrespective of all of this… you stay. Sigh!
I wonder, what would I do without you? Because, I have to now Kat. I have to. Because you are not “are” anymore, you “were”. I know it’s not your fault, that you are gone. It wasn’t in your hands. But why did it have to be like this? So sudden. Just like that. Gone. Why? I am angry. Not with you. Not with anyone. Angry with myself. You have seen me angry with myself in the past now, haven’t you? Just come back and make it better for me already. I just want that last conversation with you. I just want to tell you how much you mean to me. I just want to hug you tight. For the one last time. Because you deserve to know. You need to know. Come back alive, just for a moment. Just a moment. I need you and that cup of tea.
-Much love,
V
