I didn’t know it then
That to change was to lose
There was no moving forward without loss
And no loss, without change
Of all the things that I’ve lost in the desert, I claim to reclaim none
They’re gone and I don’t want them back
This is just a list
A list I made to tell myself that it is ok
Number one: sunshine
It seemed odd to lose the thing that was most in abundance
And yet, it slipped away, ray by ray
Until there was only the darkness
And a fool’s trust, in destiny
The first ray disappeared the very first time I was robbed
The autonomy of my body stripped away from me
I didn’t see it then
It wasn’t a change big enough to notice
The second and the third times I told myself it was my fault
Maybe I was causing the dimming of the sun
Maybe I was the reason the light was taken away
Maybe, I deserved it
I questioned myself until the very end
Until all the warmth had gone
And all the laughter within me had died
And then I realised, I didn’t care anymore
Number two: rainbows
I had never truly seen a rainbow
A rare, and auspicious sight in the desert
Rain was scarce and so were birds that could sing
So I made up my mind
Late one day, I decided to venture out of the desert
For the first time, I got to feel the raindrops
I got to see the colours spread across, all seven of them
And the seven million of them hidden between them
I’d been blind for so long
Only now seeing the colours reflecting off my skin
They had always been there, with sunshine and darkness
But then I realised, I didn’t care anymore
Number three: oasis
I’d crafted one very young
It was easy to do then
Unexpectedly, the first tent was tied down
The first settlers had arrived
I tried to be accommodating, my biggest mistake
They took over everything
Made me believe that I was the one that needed them
I was trapped in my own world
Colonised by the creatures of the mind
I stay put
Until, I didn’t
Of all the things I’ve lost in the desert, these are but three
It doesn’t matter anymore though
The things that I lost were never mine to begin with
The desert had given them to me and she took it away when she deemed it fit
I’ve moved on
I’ve manifested my own sunshine
My rainbows
And oasis
In the desert, I’d succumbed to change
Now, I choose to change
Lessons:
Number one: All change comes with loss
Number two: All that is lost is not gone forever
Number three: Not everything you lose, is a loss
