What did I love about you? Was it love?  I thought I loved you. But maybe, I loved who I thought you were. Not who you really are. As much as I hate accepting it, I wish you really were that person I thought you would be. I wish you weren’t so brutal. I wish you weren’t “blow-hot-blow-cold”.

After you left, I spiralled down. Then one day, after many sleepless nights, plenty of unanswered calls and messages, an overdose of nicotine and being locked in an house, I decided I wouldn’t let you affect me any more. I couldn’t let myself be this weak. I spent a lot of time with myself doing things I always wanted to. Reading, writing, clicking pictures and designing a website to mention a few. Small, little actions and sights of people and cats became reasons to smile again. Gradually, I reached a state of happiness that came from self acceptance.  I didn’t need you to tell me who I am. I didn’t want you back any more. I didn’t want to blame you or me, for us not working out. I didn’t want to look for answers any more. I felt peaceful. From within. I was completely over you. I was happy.

After 6 months, now you’re back.

I was happy. I thought I was over you. But here I am, affected by those few conversations we recently had. I am thinking and rethinking about everything said, all the apologies you made, all that intensity you displayed. I don’t want to do this all over again. I am not going to let you hurt me any more.I am starting to see the old you and I don’t like it one bit. The person I know you aren’t. The person I know you pretend to be.

You carry off that façade really well, and I am letting it affect me once again. But, you can’t play those games for long. I know it’s a façade. “YOU” are, but a lie.  I am not going to let you affect me any more. I have had enough. I am not going to fall for it any more. You broke me once, I am not going to let you do it again. I know I am stronger than that. “YOU” were just a façade.

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Sayuri - a small flower of Lilly, lover of languages. Advocate of sustainable and safe menstruation, co-founder of 'The Project Amara'. Fond of all the artistic things; flowers, poetry, stars, books and of course, her.

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