I Wake Up To Live In A Nightmare Everyday

With my alive collapsed soul that I am trapped with since the- Oh I can't name it, it would make things worse for me remember?

TW: Contains homophobic incidents, abuse

Sometimes, every time I get confused, between life and nightmares.
Do we wake up from them? Or do we sleep to escape them?
I never liked waking up since I was a kid.
A kid, completely unaware of the monsters hovering around him!
Call from a teacher who wanted to teach me, more than the syllabus.
I tell myself “it was a game. It happens. It’s fun”
Every time I see a senior from my school who knew everything about me
And who told me “you can’t talk about it okay? It will just make things worse for you”.
Every time I visit a doctor.
Each time I get checked at check ins.
Each time I turn on the TV or read a newspaper.
Every stranger’s eyes, that fall on my lips or shoulder or on any part of my body.
It all triggers every single touch.
Touch that I wish I could forget.
It all triggers all the confusions and thoughts and questions
I had when I didn’t even know what (a+b)^2 was.
It all triggers the wish to stay in bed alone all the time,

With my alive collapsed soul that I am trapped with since the-
Oh I can’t name it, it would make things worse for me remember?

It all triggers the wish to not go out to play because I don’t know whom to trust and whom to not,
And if to trust, then how to trust?
How does exactly trusting someone feel?
I find myself trying to clean my body everyday on the bathroom floor.
I even take shower two times,
One time I clean myself and the other time I cry.
Sometimes at morning and sometimes at night
I know what it is called, I know, I know so many nouns for it.
But still I couldn’t decide the perfect word for it,
That can explain how it feels to have someone’s touch; unwanted.
How it feels to have someone else’s weight on me.
How it feels to have something inside me without my will,
Touching my skin with its toxic limb, touching my bone to bone, penetrating my soul.
That can describe how it feels to have no answers,
That can define how it feels, to have no worth or at least not knowing the worth.
I can’t find a way to feel safe and not guilty about everything!
I can’t find a way to stop getting scared of getting touched by people I want to get touched by
And really mean it when I say “I am okay”.
After years, I still can’t find a way to stop feeling anxious and sorry for literally existing.
I shamed myself each time I got turned on
Because it made me feel like I’m a monster
It made me feel like I am probably just like the people who are all kind of wrong,
Capable of tormenting and dehumanising every other person around them
I have shamed myself enough for too long now
Because I was conditioned to believe
That you can’t clap with one hand
But what do you do when it’s not a friendly clap,
But a hard spank on your back
That you didn’t ask for, in the middle of a busy street,
And everyone around you refuses to see it
I got betrayed by the people who are just like me,
Made of flesh and blood.
They used me like a toy, picked me up, played until they got bored
And then dropped me like a useless pathetic piece of shit
And that kinda made me allergic to them
I am allergic to many foods and other things,
And to protect myself from those, I got a lot of medicine in my drawer
But when It comes to humans, I don’t know, I really don’t know.
I feel numb and stuck and lost.
It feels like someone is inserting a bulldozer Inside my mouth to destroy all of me
And there’s someone digging a grave in my lungs and now I can’t breathe.
I know, I know I am not the only one and this poem is not just about me.
I am sorry if you relate, but also proud of you for fighting your fight!
But if you are someone who can answer,
I want you to give an answer to my question.
The question is, how can I live and be allergic to my own species?
Because we have had enough of surviving,
Now it is our time, just for living!

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I am a poet and model currently based in Delhi.

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