If you close your eyes does it almost feel like nothing changed at all.
This is a line from Pompeii’s bastille. That I play in my head over and over again.
Sometimes i do it to feel safe, sometimes i do it to feel less anxious
And sometimes i want it to mend relationships.
Take me to a time where i didn’t know any better.
The last day of childhood the last time i was soooo naive.
My first kiss was beautiful. The girl i was in love with kissed me it was a culmination of a year of pining and moping and also realised i was probably not straight without thinking about it too seriously.
Maybe you’re wondering if i wanted to make the kiss better.Set the scene, say the perfect thing. Not have teeth clashing each other (ouch)
All of that happened. And it was perfect.
What i do want to change is what i said when my mom asked me about her.
How i retreated into a shell instead of claiming my own power.
My extremely homophobic mother found out about us and unleashed her own version of prison on me. Restrictions on closing doors, cell phones, going for a walk around the apartment. These weren’t even the worst of it.
The worst of the deck my brain doesn’t even let me remember.
It was the last day of school and this was my life for the next six months. In a small town without anyone who would know how to help me.
So yes
I want to tell that 17 year old baby that she is so strong.
That she is not alone
Even though it feels like it right now.
And it was her strength back then that i channel when i am at my worst even now
I want her to not feel the guilt and shame that i still carry.
Because shame is another heirloom your family gives you, getting heavier with each birthday.
So i want to rewind that moment and i want to display the strength i didnt i could have.