I could hear my heart was pounding. My knees felt a bit weak. Tongue was parched and dry. Still, I was happy. We’d made it up the hill just in time to be able to catch the gorgeous sunset. But my body was in so much pain that for a moment I thought I wouldn’t be able to climb back down and may have to spend the whole night on that stupid hill.

I swear I would never do this on any normal day, however, in that moment, it felt absolutely necessary to open my arms and sway. Sway like a complete fucking idiot. Either that place was too damn beautiful, mesmerising, enchanting or I was too damn high.

I could hear my pal walk towards me. I turned around, hoping to share my triumph with him, and all of a sudden he asked me if he could kiss me. No! Almost instantly, a piercing rush of pain (caused by all that walking) filled my whole body and I started to stutter. I lost my voice for a few seconds.

“Look Avi, I really like you, but I’m not into you like that.”

I’m not into you like that.

I’d known this boy since I was 15. That’s 10 years. And all I could utter was, I’m not into you like that. The moment I said it, I knew how terrible that must sound to him and I wanted to bury my face in my hands. I was embarrassed. Instead, I collapsed. The fatigue had finally got the better of me.

A couple of minutes later, I opened my eyes and Avi was sitting next to me with a bottle of water. He asked me if I was okay and I mumbled something incomprehensible. He helped me sit up, and I took a sip from the bottle. Neither of us said a word. We sat there with a very thick, very visible cloud of awkwardness between us and the gorgeous sun slowly dipped behind us.

What I probably should have said was, “Avi, I’m really sorry. You took me by surprise, and I’m not interested in men.”

Instead, we sat there for ten minutes, me refusing to look at him, until Avi (the bigger person that he is) suggested I eat something. He opened his backpack and gave me one of the cucumber and ham sandwiches he’d so lovingly made that afternoon. Sandwiches that were now soggy. Of course, I didn’t say that to him. I ate two more.

*

A week later, I met him with some of our other common friends and I decided not to create a fuss and portrayed naivety, as if nothing had happened between us. Perhaps, I even overcompensated by making stupid jokes about inane things, which honestly were not funny at all!

I think Avi wanted to talk about what had happened, but I gave him no space to initiate the conversation. Yeah, confrontation isn’t really my thing. I believe in brushing issues under the carpet and leaving them there to rot. Hidden from the eyes of everyone, but waiting to be discovered. We met a couple of times after that (never alone), and he moved to the US for his master’s that fall. I haven’t seen him since.

*

Two years later, I’m sitting in front of my computer, posting another ad on Craigslist. No, I’m not looking for a travel companion or a housemate. I’m looking for a mate who’d like to – how do I put this gently – satisfy some of my kinks.

I met a boy last week and let’s just say our meeting was rather uneventful. The kissing was rough. I broke his shirt button. He stepped on my injured foot. Twice. Never mind the injury, what really troubled me was the fact that his penis was at least two inches bigger than mine, and he took forever to come. After a point, I wanted to put on the television so I could give him a hand job and watch a show at the same time. On the other hand, I must have taken less than five minutes.

When we were parting ways outside his house, I put my hand out to shake his. He smiled and patted me on the head. Of course, I haven’t heard from him since. Not that I want to, but a text saying, ‘thank you for making me come so fucking hard’ would have been nice. Bastard.

So if you’re wondering why this sudden switch, I will tell you why.

Two years ago, I wasn’t into it. That’s it. No, really. Believe me. This is the truth. Two years ago, when Avi wanted to kiss me, I wasn’t into it and now, I am. I don’t know if it’ll last, but right now, I’m curious and excited. And what could be better than finding other, perfectly curious men, on a perfectly legit platform like Craigslist?

Never mind.

Oh, did I mention Avi is back in two weeks. It’s not like I’m counting days or anything. I just thought a mention would be appropriate here.