I felt my entire body tremble against her touch. She looked at me with parted lips, her pupils dilated and I could see through her eyes where her mind navigated to. I knew I wanted her. In all ways possible. Our glances at each other burned a thousand heartbeats in my body. No longer could I wait to hold her close. And she knew how to tease me, leaving me wanting for more.
“We won’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable,” she said to me, keeping her hands on my cheeks. In the middle of temptation and desires, I had been honest about why I hesitated. “I want this..so much, but I have never done it before.” She read my thoughts before I even opened up. My cheeks went red and she, maintaining that gaze, continued smiling.
There was something about her reassurance that soothed my distress. “Forgive me if I do anything wrong,” I managed to blurt out. Smiling widely at my words, she answered, “Never met anyone like you before,” she exclaimed, “but I guess I am lucky.”
Her lips tasted like berries. I closed my eyes and the entire world went shush somewhere. She kissed me ever so gently, yet with passion. She caressed my cheeks while holding her gaze. Her eyes were ocean green and produced whirlpools, fascinating yet dangerous. At least that is what I thought when I met her that night. But then, when those whirlpools had softened, I saw stillness in them like forest trees in the night.
Our hands were all over each other. The gentleness evolved into something hot and heavy when she pushed me against the wall. My mind took a total 180 degree turn when she took control. I realized what was coming and my cheeks flushed. She moved her mouth to my neck, while her hands slowly went down, grazing over my breasts to the hem of my t-shirt, which she swiftly took off. She kissed my lips and tugged on them and moved away a little to look at me.
I was flushed. But I didn’t feel ashamed to admit that I liked it. She smirked and moved closer; kissing my ears she whispered, “You’ll look so good when I’ll be on top of you.” I think she pushed my buttons, for I clearly remember my response, “You’ll look so good when you’ll have nothing on.”
There was absolute harmony between us which fits so perfectly in my memory. I wanted to be more attentive, so in the upcoming nights I could look back to all the details without worrying it will fade. I remember scooting closer to her moon-reflecting skin, looking into her eyes after we made love. I uttered nervously, “Will you have hated me if I wasn’t able to match your expectations?” She lifted her head and scanned my face. “You made me feel so involved, I don’t know if I made you feel the same.”
“Love..”
My heart raced when I heard her husky voice. I recognized the affection again, the care she expressed for me since the beginning.
“Everybody’s got a first time. But do you know what people tend to miss out on when they try to fit in? Connection. Concern. Gentleness. And trust me, you had all these. You made my soul feel loved, not just my body.”
I smiled at her words. A while ago, the phrases of desire and zealousness overtook the rest of our vocabulary, between short breaths, pleading for more as if it were not enough. Only when we reached the peak of ecstasy did our bodies slow down, panting for air.
“Do you ever feel like everything is crumbling and tearing apart, but then you remember where you are in life and kind of just, sigh?” she asked in a low voice.
I could sense a little disparity in the air between us. We were lying on the bed, her eyes were fixated on the ceiling, yet had no vision it seemed.
“I can’t deny the fact that I haven’t given it a thought.” Her eyes softened when she heard my answer and a faint smile eased up her concerns. I wanted to reach out and hold her close to me, but something told me the moment was not right. Her eyes told me she wanted to hear more.
“I think my life keeps me on my toes, there is a fear of fall and a hope of goodwill that keeps me going. But you know what, life is a little harder for people like us.” I sat up and looked at the open window.
I sensed a movement on my left and she sat up too, looking at me with pursed lips. It was dark and foggy outside the window, silence invaded the entire room as we were lost in our thoughts.
“Do you think this battle will ever end?”
“This is not a battle. It’s a fight. We fight without any armor or protection and so, we bleed. Maybe this is why our fights never end.”
When I spoke the bitter truth, I received a warm affirmation from her. She wrapped her hands around me from behind, “You aren’t that young as I thought you would be. I’m impressed.” Her lips brushed against the skin on my back. I savored every moment of exhilaration as she kept one hand around my neck and gently stroked my belly with the other. The first round already made me breathless; being underneath her dominance which sent electrifying jolts all over my body. She kissed my neck this time, sweeping me off my composure while falling into her arms.
I remember being awake in her arms for the longest time, catching my breath while admiring the perfect state of euphoria I was in. When I closed my eyes, I saw two moles on her back, planted at a distance, as if two planets were revolving around each other but never coming close. So were we. But there was a scar right between her neck and chest that could have been easily mistaken as stained ink, which defined our union in a way. I memorized them well enough to not let it scatter in different ways, but to keep it distinct, so as to live in each moment more than once.
She seemed like one who wasn’t easily breakable. Even though the strings on her part were too tight, she loosened them around and with me. “I’ll be a mystery and so will you. Let me claim you mine, for once. Let me know I am loved too.” I did what she asked me. I made love to her like she was a long drawn summer afternoon, where a traveler quenched their thirst by sucking a ripe mango, the wet trails falling, leaving behind a mark. The traveler who would always be nature’s favorite.
When the sun began to rise, she asked me to read something to her and interestingly, I summarized her life in the few lines I read out from D.H. Lawrence’s book. It felt so close to my heart that I could visualize her in those words. ‘I would like to dedicate to you a few lines that in this very moment sums up my exact impression of you.’ I told her. She peered at me. Her hairs were like tendrils of soft bloom, gentle filaments wavering in the open.
“-she wanted to read great, beautiful books and be rich with them; she wanted to see beautiful things, and have the joy of them forever;”
She smiled at me, her eyes reflected melancholy.
“-there remained always the want she could put no name to. It was so difficult. There were so many things, so much to meet and surpass. And one never knew where one was going.”
The sun was up already. I looked at the window, then glanced back at her. She gazed at me, eyes somewhat tearful, but her smile was brighter than the sun itself.
That was the first time in my life that I enjoyed being awake till dawn. She hugged me, and I held her tight, as if our time was over, the night had guarded us against all odds, but a new day called both of us to our respective ways. She kissed me, like a little child I was crooked into her neck, embosoming the smell of her body which defied every perfume. I wanted to memorize every part of this encounter, every part of her. Before leaving, she held my hands firmly and uttered, “I will remember you, even if we never cross paths again. Promise me you will, too?”
“Promise.” I said while I kissed her forehead.
