19 August,2015. The morning cup of tea was cold and unnecessary, just like every week day. On weekends, I break the house norms – I drink cold coffee. I’ve never been fond of the tea, but my wife had always been making one for me; before I wake up, and it always seemed so inappropriate, to deny her love. Then slyly, I pour my tea into the sink.
As a fifteen-year-old, I always had doubts about my sexuality; something about my girlfriends never felt right. I tried talking to my father about it and he assured me it was a phase that shy boys go through during puberty and it would eventually fade away. And then after “the talk” my father took me for hiking. I hated hiking, but it seemed so incorrect to deny his decision. I think I knew for sure, two years ago, at the age of forty-five. There wasn’t a specific day or time when the rays of enlightenment dawned upon me, rather it was this passage of time – where my career was settled, my daughter grown up, everything moving at the right pace and direction and I felt as lost as the 15-year-old me, had been. This emptiness of settlement allowed me the leisure of delving within me and discovering aspects of myself, I brushed away so frequently. The process of coming in terms with myself, was scary; but the kind of scary you await for eagerly, like waiting in the long queue of a roller coaster ride. Consumed by these novel thoughts, there was a knock at my bedroom door. I locked my phone, deleted my search history and took my family – my wife and daughter for a movie.
Two years to gather all the strength and on 19 August,2015 – my 47th birthday, I came out to my partner, my partner of 20 years. I had pictured this conversation, almost every day and rehearsed the answers to all the plausible questions. It was the kind of scary you want, like the scary before the roller coaster ride. And I was asked not a single query, no complaints, no grievances, least of astonishment. As I completed my long-prepared speech, of everything I learned about me, and my quest of self -exploration; they seemed to hit deaf ears. I wanted to apologize and feel remorseful and weep at the breaking of twenty years of a faithful relation, but I couldn’t. So, I sat back and drank my mug of coffee.