A Guide to Understanding Lesbians : Part 1

Children, it’s Friday the 13th. We have our own version of horror that we will share with you today.

Recently, we were contacted by someone from a Men’s Magazine that shall not be named but I can tell you that their name begins with an ‘F’, ends with an ‘M’ and has a middle initial of ‘H’. We were asked if Gaysi would be willing to answer a ‘witty questionnaire on lesbian sex’. Witty? Warning bells! But you know how we have a penchant for attracting these sorts.

As lesbians, we’re all too familiar with straight men’s fantasy of what lesbians are like. So with much trepidation and dread, we waited for this supposedly ‘witty questionnaire on lesbian sex’. When the email finally arrived, we were more than prepared for some idiocy. However, we were ill equipped to handle the total ignorance and homophobia that came neatly tied in a red bow. We wanted to give them the tiniest benefit of doubt and I shot them an email to let them know how I felt.

The response? I was told I was upset because the questions were sexual in nature! We love being told by men, why we feel the way we do, don’t we? Yessum.

If he perhaps took the trouble to read our very colourful erotica section or even attempt a 3 minute conversation with MJ, he’d be forced to reassess the parameters of what he considers ‘sexually provocative’. His magazine would look like secondary –school level fiction in contrast to what is penned by our lovely Srini.

He was also deeply hurt we called his organisation homophobic, because hey, how can someone with trophy gay friends be homophobic, right? Wrong. They are one step higher on the moral plane.

‘we’re not homophobic since we have at (sic) different organisations supported LGBT cause’.

We were perhaps being too generous about their level of their writing. Secondary school kids have better grammar. When he claimed that these questions had been asked by ‘magazines worldover’ we performed the obligatory Google search to get to the bottom of this. And voila! He had indeed directly lifted a couple of questions from said, ‘magazines worldover’.

I asked him to name any one organisation that they had supported for the LGBT cause and we are yet to hear back. But we are not holding our collective breaths on that one. So The Cathartist and I have decided to be kind and answer some of their questions because we are quite confident no other self-respecting LGBTQ organisation will. In good cop-bad cop style too, because we all love our sweet-and-sour chicken soup.

What’s more, we’ll also throw in a Grammar 101, for FREE!!


Q: Being a lesbian is more about emotions or sex?

Broom: Ok – not terrible. Stereotypical question, but not offensive. Here’s your answer: To me being a lesbian is about being in love/being attracted to/ wanting to be with someone who happens to be a woman.

TC: Firstly, the correct way to frame this question is, “Is being a lesbian more about emotions? Or sex?”
As for the answer, being a lesbian for me is actually neither. It’s about closets. No, not THAT cliched closet. To be more precise: my shrinking wardrobe. I bet you weren’t expecting that one, eh? Let’s face it, dolls. The economy is sinking faster than your hearts did when you watched India play in Australia last week. I don’t have enough money to buy all the jeans and shirts I need. So how best to solve this clothing crisis than to find a female lover (of my size, of course!) who will be happy to pool in our precious resources. The sex is just a bonus.  

Q: Do you hate men? Or are they not as emotionally sound you would want them to be?

Broom: O.M.G! Gee! I don’t know. Do straight women hate other women? Do straight men hate other men? No?! Really? Hmm. I guess we don’t hate men then.

TC: Lookere, I dated a few men in my prime. I don’t hate them. They’re quite lovely when they’re not leaving the toilet seats up or controlling the telly remote. But you’re right, they’re emotionally stunted creatures. One of them cried like a baby every time Messi missed a goal. Another one couldn’t take a crap unless he read the newspapers every morning. One couldn’t sleep at night unless he had dealt with at least one troll on the internet. And the last one? He needed tranquilizers to calm down every time George Lucas revised Star Wars.

Women on the other hand? Piece of cake. If you can accurately predict when “that time of the month” is (you know… emotional tantrums, the bitchy comebacks etc.)  the rest is a walk in the park.

Q: How would you deal with an intervention session by your parents/friends about you girlfriend addiction?

Broom: COPY PASTE ALERT! The original question was “Your friends gather together and ask you to come. They’ve decided to do an intervention around your girlfriend addiction” and was lifted from here.

I’m not even going to bother answering this one because if my parents and friends had an intervention session because they thought that I had an addiction because I am in love with a woman then they are clearly psycho.

TC: Surely you’ve studied possessive pronouns in school? No? Okay, let me send you a Wren and Martin for your birthday. When referring to my addiction, please write, “your girlfriend addiction”. Okay? Good. Now for your answer.

Usually, I deal with this intervention attempt by saying, “Would you rather I get knocked up by a man?!” That usually shuts them up. Because seriously, desi parents would rather have a virtuous lesbian daughter than an unwed pregnant one. Duh!

Q: When a girl kisses you, would you feel the same when a man would have?

Broom: It depends on who’s kissing me. Personally, I like kissing my girlfriend WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY(^infinity) more than I liked kissing my ex-husband.

TC: The correct way to frame this question is, “When a girl kisses you, does it feel the same as kissing a man?”

Men of “international monthly men’s lifestyle magazine”, I ask you, have you ever tried kissing your broom? No, not our darling Broom! But a broom, that thing your maid uses to sweep the floor? No? To understand our sentiment about kissing a man, I implore you to kiss your broom. If that seems daunting, try your wife’s hair brush. How do you like that bristly feeling in your mouth? Not so much, eh? That should answer your question. On the off chance, that you may have enjoyed it I think it’s time for serious introspection. New exciting encounters await!

Q: When did you first ask yourself ‘Am I a lesbian’?

Broom: When I fell for my girlfriend.

TC: When I watched Fire by Deepa Mehta. That was her plan all along, anyway. To get all of us women to ask ourselves, “Am I a lesbian?”

Q: Your girlfriend is going on a business trip. You:

  1. kiss her goodbye and wish her good luck.
  2. take her to the airport and watch the plane take off.
  3. finagle a ticket to where she’s going, hide out and watch movies in her hotel room all day, and then get depressed when she passes out from exhaustion at night.

Broom: COPY PASTE ALERT! The original question was exactly the same and was also lifted from here.

I can answer this very easily. My girl left on a business trip to India on Saturday. She left for the airport at 6.30 am & there was no way I was waking up that early on a Saturday. So I sleepily hugged her back when she hugged me before leaving & gave her a kiss & mumbled something about flying safely & then went back to my beauty sleep.

TC: I usually do all of the above. I take her to the airport, kiss her good bye, wish her good luck, watch her plane take off, buy a ticket to where she’s going, board the next plane out, secretly use my lesbian powers to ‘finagle’ a duplicate key to her hotel room, wait for her to return and jump on her screaming, “BOO!” when she enters the room. The last time I did this, she thought I was an intruder and whacked a champagne bottle over my head. When I came to, I realised restraining orders were also included.

Q: How would you react when you see your partner watching porn alone or with another girl? Does that make you insecure?

Broom: Alone? I’d ask her if I could join in. Another girl? There would be big drama if that ever happened.

TC: We have a weekly porn-club which is sort of like a book club, but for porn. We watch it as a group, critique the different plot lines and techniques and discuss the anatomical anomalies in the actors used in the film. Seriously, some positions portrayed are just ridiculous!

These are only half the questions and we needed to pour ourselves a stiff drink, after answering these. The path to enlightenment is paved with many bottles of whiskey. For more insight into our lesbian ways, please wait for our next installment of “A Guide to Understanding Lesbians”. We’re going to take a deep breath now.

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