I always tell people younger than me to never date at a young age. You’ll get infatuated, maybe even fall in love, get your heartbroken and be with people who don’t deserve you. So much so that terms like “love” and “partner” would cease to feel important. I tell this to them because now, it feels too shallow to call you “ex-girlfriend”. You’re more than that, because you’re every wish of mine that has ever come true. The love of my life, every verse of my holiness, my secret paradise.
We were friends for years and I was struggling with my love for you. I was scared, “If I tell her, she’ll leave this friendship” I thought. Until one day, I tried to make up for an argument by writing you an email and you video called me at midnight. Three hours later, we were in a relationship. You said, “What if I tell you your feelings are not one-sided?”
I wish I could draw well enough to put on paper the home I envisioned for us, in that moment. A home with 2 dogs whom you wouldn’t allow licking you (they’d do so anyway), 1 cat who would definitely claw me the most and 10 kids we’d raise not like we were. You once told me, “You’re always writing, I’m glad you asked me out verbally” and then you wrote me a break up text after an year. Not cool, beby. But I don’t hold that against you, I don’t hold anything against you. I may seem angry and bitter, but that is just because it felt too soon when we ended. I was seeing my future one minute and it was all blank the next.
It’s different today. I don’t have the energy to break down my walls again and confess my feelings over a 3-hour long video call all over again. Only for you to definitely leave this time.
So today, I’m writing to you again.
Sweeping pieces of my heart from under the bed, the table and shedding the bits that get stuck to the broom is old. But damn, it felt so much worse after us. Your complex cage set me free and returning to you felt better than seeing the world. Your 5 letter combined with my 7 felt right, but not to the universe (it seems). My gallery is filled with photos of us, a genuine bliss on my face that I miss.
Therefore, to the person who taught me how to love and how not to, I wish you the world. I wish I could get myself to pray for your return, but how can I pray for your misery? I wish you find a space that lets you be as gay and as yourself as you want. I wish you perfect cups of tea forever, the ability to cook a decent meal, the hope that you fix your rearview mirror, someone who looks like Vicky Kaushal and the best wardrobe.
Wherever you are in the world, I wish you your and my share of happiness combined. Because when I fell for you, I promised myself to make you happy. Until we meet again- Maybe on our paths to find each other again, maybe at an awkward reunion party, maybe in the stars or maybe never. Who knows?
A reminder for when you forget- I love you.
All the good in the world,
Your ex, but still your girl (forever).