I am an autistic grey aro ace masc lesbian. To me, my identities are like layer cakes with the foundation being rooted in my lesbianism. I had to make the cake reference; aces would know!* I’ve only been out of the closet for 3 years now and the reality is that I did not feel as alienated when I was in the closet. The belonging that I have felt in lesbian memes has been the biggest validation so far. However, I’ve also internalized the ‘date or hangout’  and ‘flirting or being nice’ culture so much that I have told myself I am supposed to be lost and not have clarity. Ironically, in most other circumstances, I see myself as someone who usually has a lot of clarity, but it does not work too well when that lesbian panic hits! Once I do find this clarity, I struggle to decide if I should continue wearing the ‘chaotic unclear lesbian’ mask or not? I turned 37 this month and being born in April the month of – autism acceptance, International ace day and lesbian visibility day – makes it all the more validating, am I right? Hell, no .. all I am acing at is that impostor syndrome!

Also read: A Day in the Life of an Autistic Adult: From a Conversation with Apurupa

For my polyamorous heart, intimacy and commitments do not mirror the social blueprints of allosexuality and amatonormativity. I approach relationships from a place of abundance – excited about the endless possibilities. To me, kink and eroticism is not (merely) sexual but a form of intimacy and I seek intimacy in all equations, especially platonic attractions. It was validating to read about Audre Lorde talking about erotic as the power as part of an aro-ace support group I went to. As much as there is the narrative of U-hauling in lesbian spaces, it feels unrelatable to me because I don’t even know If there are spaces that are accessible to me, which understand the way I seek out intimacy. Oftentimes I feel let down by those close to me, who have misunderstood me or my identity. I did not know that I would have to defend my identities as if it were a PhD thesis. I mean it is a disservice to not let an ace lesbian enjoy her layer cake in peace!

Also read: Kinky Confessions – Why We Love to Play?

People often think that my being aro-ace means that I don’t feel anything at all or that I completely lack the experience of feeling attractions. This leads to them making unhelpful assumptions about me. A woman once assumed that I was unable to access and enjoy sexual pleasure due to internalised misogyny, clearly missed the brief that I am, in fact, a lesbian who is pleasure positive. Another acquaintance, who probably felt attracted to me, assumed that I might not feel the same way simply because I identify as aro ace. These assumptions are rather harmful to me and invisibilize my lesbian identity; let me do my lesbianism in peace, please! Despite the imposter syndrome that constantly whispers in my ear that I shouldn’t feel anything, I choose to be honest about my emotions when I know what I feel. The outcomes are not always fun and I am currently mourning the loss of a friendship where my ex-friend possibly thinks that I’ve betrayed her, but all I did was express emotions from wanting to feel loved by multiple people without having to centre someone else’s narrative.

There is so much pain in losing a sapphic equation that has been a deep friendship, filled with love and intimacy in a manner that I cherish. Would masking my feelings have saved me from this grief? Should I not shield myself from feeling anything for women and even expect reciprocation in non-mononormative terms? When, all I want is to be stepped on by them? In such instances I tell myself that all Sappho wrote was ‘love, attraction and desire for women’ and not whether said desire attraction and love was limited to romance or sexuality or something else entirely!

Since watching Carol last year, I have proclaimed myself to be Carol and Therese’s Child as in the movie, they end up reuniting on the 17th of April, the day I was born!

Also read: Christmas, Carol

Masking feels familiar but it is also exhausting and soul-breaking  when all you want is to find people who see you and want you for all that you are, in my case the soft sensitive butch snaccc hoe that I am!

*Editor’s Note: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) made cake the unofficial symbol of asexuality, because ace folx love to talk about how cake is better than sex! Not untrue!