Am I Doing It Right?

Getting over the golden school life period, getting myself a tag of being ‘Legally adult’, applying for a driving license and Voter ID card, experiencing a new college life; here I am like millions of others in this world, standing at the crossroads of my life.

Life after becoming an adult is what people crave for right? The excitement of turning 18 is what every teen awaits for right?

Sadly, this was not the case with me. The feeling of curiosity persisted only for one day and life was again back to normal or I should say I was trying every single way to bring it to normal again.

I failed badly in comprehending how life turns, came across many harsh realities that shook me up –

Would life have been much easier if I had someone to rely upon?

Would life have been much easier if I had not discovered an untold mystery about my sexuality?

Would life have been much easier if I had not indulged in finding a soulmate online?

These are the questions which keep lingering in my head. Trying to find an answer they just revolve, poke cerebrum to medulla, make my sensory organs pinch. I just stand and try to come to terms with the inner conflict that my body organs have with each other.

It is not about being lost in the world of mazes and searching for the sexuality that suits me, in between the well-framed option that our society has created for me; I have crossed that zone thankfully without any hazard. The real problem lies in accepting myself and being accepted by people around me. Though I am sure about myself, I still lack the courage of coming out. Why should I bother about it for the moment, when I just turned 18 last month? I feel as if I am suffering from double personality disorder, as a part of my brain generates these doubts and the other part of it presents an answer to it also. But I still find myself not satisfied and remain baffled.

I knew I was into boys very early; I guess when I was in the 9th standard. Strange no? Funniest part was that I got committed for the very first time to a girl in that year itself. It lasted for around 3 months and I decided to end it. I was clear about my choice, so why should I play with a girl’s emotions, when I can never be with her.

Being bullied sometimes, school mates used to call me names as expected (not in terms of sissy/faggot, but like, ‘oh you don’t like cars/Transformers, how girlish’) but it was for a very short period of 1 month as my work and my position in school made them zip their mouths.

Struggling to establish my personality in school along with fighting with myself denying my preference, I successfully passed out from school. It all ended on a happy note.

Met two very amazing people of my life here online: one before my 12th Board exams and one after it.

Both of them were older to me, were of same age group 27-29, and lived in the same state, but they didn’t know each other. Being pampered, loved and cared by them I was obviously feeling out of this world.

I knew in the back of my mind, that it’s not going to last; firstly because of the long distance and secondly because of the 10 year age gap (approx). But these two angels are still in my life, still hear my problems, and I still eat their head. I just pray that these two men, who shaped my life and gave me strength to rediscover myself, get perfect men as their partners. I have a full life ahead of me, have to establish myself in the world, have to clear my stand on certain issues and in between all this my quest to look for my “Dream Man” will not stop.

Lot of questions needs an answer and many hinging answers need to be placed under some questions. I know it is not an easy ride, it’s going to be tough and patchy. I just hope I will not lose my individuality and myself in the process of exploring the hidden secrets of my life.

Till now, I came out to 5 of my best friends and I am glad that all of them accepted me without asking me to re-consider my orientation. They still love me in the same way and kick my ass with ‘gay jokes’ whenever we meet.

In between being puzzled with dissertations of life, I hope I will not give up soon and will carve a path for myself by asking the very same question at every phase of my life – Am I doing It Right?

P.S- This was written last year, a day after by 18th birthday. I am more sorted at present but yes, still not out to parents.

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