Ask Freud : You Are Who You Are

Hi gaysies,

Last year, I came out to friends at college. Since then, I’ve grown and learned a lot, but I feel like I’m losing my Indian and becoming very gay and American. So much so that I’m starting to forget “how to be Indian.”

How can I integrate my gayness and desi-ness, two parts of me that have been battling for ages? – i_wheat


Hey i_wheat,

First of all thank you for getting in touch with us and secondly well done on taking the step to come out to your friends. That is a big achievement in itself which you should be proud of.

It sounds like you have a great new life in the States and that you have discovered a new you, somebody who knows what they want to achieve in life. I feel deep down you miss India and this might be why you have this conflict. This is a natural process; you have found a new life in a new country where people seem more accepting of who you are and allow you to be yourself.

The battle that you seem to have is between two parts of your ‘self’, your old You (Desi-you) and your new You (Gay-you). You talk about these as two very separate things but in my opinion they can work very much hand in hand. Why do you feel you have to choose one over the other? You are both Gay and Desi. Or do you believe that being gay and Indian cannot go together?

I know society is very different in both the worlds you live in however India is changing. It does however feel like you can’t identify yourself with ‘back home’ anymore. I wonder how your family have taken the news or perhaps you have not been able to tell them and therefore feel the separation between the two worlds.

If anything fails you can always rely on the Bollywood classics, that certainly cheers my husband up when he feels confused and misses home. But all jokes aside, focus on what works well in both your lives and bring them together. Think of what you love about India and introduce your gay friends to it. Remember this is who you are – a gay-desi and wherever you live in the world this will never change.

Pink Freud.

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Pink Freud is a counselling psychotherapist in training. He currently sees therapy clients part time and manages a large team in a corporate environment when he is not 'in the therapist's chair'. Long term, he wants to specialise in working with LGBT individuals, couples and groups. As a gay man, who came out 10 years ago, he understands the unique struggles of the LGBT community and is here to help. You can e-mail your questions to and he will respond to you via the Gaysi Family website.
Pink Freud

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