Before You Go

When I was young, I’d hear you scream. Your voice would resonate in my ears, it’d keep on ringing in my ears, your words constantly repeating, on an endless miserable loop for days. I’d remember how you slurred out insults to your wife, how you’d drown yourself in your poison, just to be free. All I ever wanted from you was a warm smile and a hug.

As I grew older, I had so much to talk about, I needed someone to help me out with these voices in my head, constantly telling me I’m not like the others, I’m not fit to be here, that I’m unholy and I’m a pariah. I wanted you to hear me out. I wanted to tell you so badly about all the things I was going through. But you were still drowning in your own demons, there was no coming back for you. I’d grown to resent you, to resent everything you had done to me and to my mother. I’d think about a better life without you. And I’d hate myself for it. I just wanted out of this situation, to run away from you, from myself and from this damned place we called home. You never made me believe I was enough. You never taught me to love myself, all I ever learnt from you was that I never wanted to be you. Yet, at the same time I day dreamt about a life where you weren’t so sick and sad, where you loved us and I’d accepted myself and everything else.

I hated myself for having a part of you, I hated you. I hated your lifestyle and I hated my life. All I wanted was for this to be over with. How could I ever open myself up to you, when we had a brick wall between us. You’d only love me when you were drunk. Sometimes. Most of the time, you’d hurt my mother. It was sickening and tiring. I was battling with my own demons here and yours were weighing me down. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted.

And then came the day you left us, I don’t remember much of that day, just the parts where I cried my soul out and you lay there lifeless. You abandoned us with all your demons, your poison took you away from us. There was so much left to live, dad. I wish you would’ve made better choices, been a better person. Then you’d be here. You’d be here to see me graduate, you’d be here to see me accept myself. You’d be here to hear me cry about all the times I never felt enough because of the way I was, i wish you were here to hear me out. To hear me tell you how your daughter has grown to love both men and women and I’d try to make you understand that it’s still me, I’m still the same girl you carried in your arms as an infant. I’m still the same girl trying to get some love out of you. I know you wouldn’t have accepted me, hated me, resented me. But I also know somewhere down the line, maybe a few years later, you’d come around. You’d see how happy I am with the woman I love and you’d see how much we’ve grown. You’d see how your demons never became mine, although they still linger in my closet with all the bones.

I wish I could have come out to you before you left. I wish I had just five more minutes with you, to tell you all about me. To tell you what you missed out on while you were here and what you missed out on after you left. I wish I could’ve reversed the past and taken back my words. I wish I could’ve loved you.

I wish you’d stayed. I have so much to tell you, I wish I could have made you meet her, you’d have loved her. She’s beautiful and she’s so kind. She’s my world and with her I know to never make the same mistakes as you. I don’t know if resenting you for leaving us makes me a bad person but I’d give it my all for you to hear me out.

Happy father’s day, this might be my first time wishing you. I hope you can see me.

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