The world of colours, and the world of love- Musings by yours truly, a confused lovable disoriented heart.
Don’t you ever wonder,
What goes behind those pretty rainbows?
What happens behind those eyes filled with unrequited and unattainable love?
What happens behind that strong proud exterior?
What happens behind those hands desperate for touch?
What happens behind those closed closet doors?
Because I do, and however wrecking, hazardous, frightening, weird and beautiful it might be, it is a reality not different from your own. However heteronormative this world may be, the queer exists, in the shadows, or out in the streets; in the closets, or proud and in super gay parties; scared and dominated by the societies, or protesting for their rights, the queer exists; whatever the homophobic society may say, we exist. In ways that are different, in ways that are impacting, in ways that are out of the societal conventions, in ways that are extraordinary, in ways that are rebellious, we exist. I’ve met a lot of people, with slight and major homophobia, with slight and major questioning, with slight and major queer tendencies, with slight and major parts in the queer communities. I’ve even met people who were in Questioning but shunned those thoughts because they did not want to be “gay” as if it was a bad thing to be. I have met people who were modern, unconventional and radical, but constantly questioned and wanted answers for the behaviour of queer that went against human nature. I have met people with awkward embraces and desperate hearts, wanting for love, but never reacting to it, because they cannot come out, yet. I’ve seen the rainbow flicker in the dim sunshine; I’ve seen it shine like the lighthouse, bright enough to guide the lost, home; I’ve seen the rainbow hidden behind the clouds of uncertainty and fear of the unknown; I’ve seen the rainbow hunting and fighting for its own colours. I’ve seen the rainbow shine and I’ve seen the rainbow dim, and trust me, behind it, is the community of people who are ready for love, acceptance and beauty of the society, like me and like all of us.
I’ve lived a life of falling in and out of love with straight girls, or closeted queer members, or out and proud, but way-out-of-my-league girls, and while I was still recovering from giving out my whole heart to a friend, straight and possibly the toxic material for a plush and soft heart like mine, I fell again, I mean come on, can you even imagine what kind of a desperate or lonely or hopeless romantic, I am. But, I did, and believe it or not, I think my love life is filled with only and only infatuations of the highest level, or sulking over a girl I can never have, or girls that I am too weak-hearted to approach. Anyways, I saw this girl, and believe you me, I fell for her eyes, those big blue-green shining and luminous eyes, she was sitting alone with her novel, ‘The Little Prince’ and I could not stop but stare at her clothes with stains of paints, her art file in hand had been decorated with a sheet blotted with watercolour paints, her spectacle- big Lennon frames, almost on the verge of falling. She had this short hair, with curls that bounced at the end of her shoulders, and this vibe, you know, that invites you to talk to them, that says with a big billboard- ‘I am a positive person, talk to me and share the light’, her aura itself made me calm as you feel in the mountains when the wind the cool peaceful wind is touching your face, or when water rushes to your feet in the beaches, or you get that extremely orgasmic dessert and have the first bite, that level of calm was her vibe. But, the thing is, it is difficult to just go and talk to her, ask her out, and live in the complex doubtful situations of her being uninterested or straight because although bisexual, a full-fledged relationship with a girl scares me, something makes me fear it, fear my own happiness, my own needs and desires, and how potent they might be. But, situations like these, girls with this aura, this vibe, this serenity, make me surer and surer of my identity and that no matter what, I will have to escape this fear one day, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection from beloved and the society. I will have to shoot my shot, take the leap, introduce myself to her, sit beside her, talk to her, create a bond and when the time comes, ask her out because the fear should never win. The moment that fear wins, love will falsify, and without which the world cannot stand, I cannot stand.
I know this is anonymous, I know this might never reach you, but just to throw this out in the universe, I am saying this, I saw you crying in the corner on the day of our cultural festival, and I hope whatever is troubling you, ease up soon. I’ve seen you smiling and I am pretty sure, nothing can ever even come close to being worthy of dampening that perfectly divine smile. You were looking like some dream come true in that white salwar kameez and that kajal of yours got heavily smudged after you came out of that corner with red cried-out eyes, I have no idea how no one noticed this but you deserved a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen to your misery, and I wish it was me if only my weak closeted heart could gather the courage to do it, approach you, help you out, support you. Because no matter what I do, I can never be like the straight guys or girls, approaching their crushes, asking them out, because they will never have to think of the thousands of other minute details, like their sexuality, their coming-out status, their gender preferences, or the risk of going blindsided without the knowledge of anything only to seem like a dumb, desperate queer creep.
I think I will forever use this platform to voice my queer and profound infatuations, or possible love stories that may never happen, because guess who will never gain the right amount of confidence and courage to express my heartiest emotions (spoiler alert, it’s me). I just hope one day, these letters reach the people that they are supposed to, or perhaps I come out and am ready to take the risk of going and sitting beside them, initiating a conversation, building a relationship, cultivating it and finally creating the epic love story that I always desired. Until then, writing them out, writing the thousands of thoughts going behind this rainbow heart, will help, they’ve got to, you know, at least let the burden out into the universe.
All this happens, queer love stories happen, queer heartbreaks and romantic chases, too, and people remain unaware of it, unaware of the mere existence of the queer. What happens is that the ignorance and denial leave the society, conventional and unacceptable to new elements and identities. And I say, leave them be, life will never be lived, truly, on terms of people who will never matter an ounce in your life, never look at you or support you with a shred of their love, care and kindness. Because, the only person who is living it, loving it, is You, and that may never change. So, the next time you see that person with love in your eyes, and fear of the society in your heart, do not stop, go on, approach them, because believe it or not, love is real, and every being has the right to it, and whatever goes down, goes down, but in the end what will be important is the love and life you desired, how you strived and fought for it, and how you utilized it.
On that note, I just hope that I, myself can pin this advice in my brain, and stick to it. I hope I gather the courage soon because I, too, deserve an epic love story, a girl to die for, a romance that the world will be envious of, a partner who I can count on, a passion that never ends, with a person who will be there always. Send good vibes and courage, people, because I, sure as hell need a lot of it.