Continued from Being Trans
By the time I was at college, I was convinced I was a pervert and the guilt added to the already existing restlessness driving me into absolute chaos. My self esteem dropped and my depression hit chronic levels. For fear of being termed “mad” as is so common in India for people visiting therapists, I went into a shell to prevent talking about this.
While in college, I made some new friends and I kept telling myself “I like girls too”, so I am like other boys and nothing is wrong with me. We went around bunking classes and going out drinking, eating and watching porn which in the order was our favorite things to do. But I never connected with what my friends felt like about the women. My friends talked about sticking it out and I totally hated that topic. Given sex was such a taboo topic, and given my own displeasure with my male anatomy, it was all so new and I just felt put off about the whole thing. I stopped watching any more with my friends but still hung out with them for time pass. By then my body had started changing due to the grand effects of testosterone and things started happening. With the onset of Internet, I started my research. After 4 hard but fun years I decided to get the F out of India for good. I wanted to start a new life and to understand more about myself.
While in grad school, my research led me to believe I was a casual crossdresser. My reluctance to take help at the University’s LGBT center continued mostly out of fear that someone might see me walking in or out of the building. By then, I fell in love with this amazing girl. Before I could blink, a few years had passed and we had gotten married. I came out to her before our engagement and vowed to keep this whole thing out of the way. Only later did I realise that loving someone wasn’t good enough and that it had to manifest physically. Marriage was an eye opener because when it came to consummating, I figured out it wasn’t gonna happen. I eventually decided “enough was enough” and took some help to work on my issues. I started therapy with a pioneer in this field whom I still see. The positive effect she has had on me and my esteem is just priceless. Those 2 years in spite of being tumultuous at home were the best years of my life. I came out to myself! My ex and I separated and we resolved to help each other only to find the meanings in our lives now. Our getting together has gone less often but we know we are there for each other for support. She has a new person in her life now and I am on my path to transition. We both got what we wanted! It’s been all so dramatic that looking back it just looks like a Bollywood movie.
To be continued …
