Born This Way

I think the precise moment I realised I am not straight was seven months ago, when I felt strongly attracted to a woman. The weird part of this attraction was that for the very first time, it was only physical. So far, I was familiar with the physical-only attraction only to men. To suddenly have this for a woman I was meeting every day was a tad bit frightening at first.

She was married and I found myself constantly fantasizing about her and wishing she was not married. The attraction didn’t last long because there was no connection with her on other levels. But this experience made me rethink my sexuality. I considered this a phase and pushed it to the back of my mind.

Then, one day 3 months ago, I realized I had a huge crush on another woman at work. She and I were just getting to know each other. I liked her as a friend, and loved everything about her. And, soon enough, I realized I was in love with her. We would joke about being a gay couple, but for me the wish was real. Every joke was a reality. And before I could stop myself, I was fantasizing about her, imagining life with her and wanting to have her for life.

Well, in these three months I have discovered that she and I are not going to be more than friends. So, in an effort to save myself the futility of chasing after a person who can never be mine, I decided to move on and stay friends with her.

But yeah, I have had my moments of pining for her. Wanting her real bad. And in the midst of all this, I am not even sure if I am 100% gay. My suspicion says I am bisexual. My conviction says I am gay. My good sense tells me I am not straight.

How do I feel at the moment? Slightly heartbroken at my failed attempt at love, but also hopeful that I will find my better half soon. It’s only a matter of time, time that I need to take to realize what I am exactly.

My relatives are constantly pressurizing me for marriage. Not one conversation goes by without them asking about any progress towards my grand walk to the altar. Well, one year ago, I was worried about finding a husband. At the moment, I just thank God that he didn’t let me commit a mistake like marriage before realizing what I am.

So at 28, I have come to realize that what I believed all my life was a lie: that I am going to live a straight life like every other girl. At 28, I see why I always loved women so much more than men, why my female friends always outnumbered the male friends and why they were always more important to me; why my first kiss with a guy felt disgusting, why I never ended up getting married to guys who almost succeeded in placing a ring on my stubborn finger.

I realize why I have always felt like a guy and behaved like one, while being extra proud of the fact that I am a woman. I realize why I hate male chauvinists and cannot stand gender discrimination. Why eve teasing boils my blood and why I do not entertain any demeaning comments against any woman.

This explains all my unrealized crushes on so many friends, all my life. And this gives me hope that I have been living the right life all along, without knowing it. Was this a choice? Feeling the way I do? My entire life is a testament to the fact that …I was ‘Born This Way’.

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