I was around 22 years of my age when I found that I don’t feel how other girls in my college feel about women. I, initially resisted and ignored it, and told myself that it could just be the devil in my mind or my proactive self or perhaps a curiosity to explore the same gender but gradually the attraction towards the same gender multiplied ten folds. Even then, I was still attracted to men.
I also started to read about gender, gender fluidity, homosexuality and what is it to be bisexual. I couldn’t talk much about the feeling I persisted in myself because of the fear of how it would make people treat me. My journey as a bisexual person was becoming tougher- I needed someone to tell me it was alright to feel that way.
It was when, I, found out that sexual fluidity and identity has always been a challenge in cis domineering society. The colonisation of binary/straight/cis gender men and women is in the making. The problem lies not with their sexual identifications but with their thought process; with homophobia and a meek belief that homosexuality is unnatural.
I was disheartened to not be able to do anything about my urges, feelings and thought process. I was experiencing a major sexual shift between a man and a woman at the same time. I read more. I realised, that amidst a huge spectrum of sexual identities, both men and women get lost and end up in an identity crisis. I was under one. Despite, I knew I liked people regardless of their gender, but was sceptical on how to identify myself. I chose ‘bisexual’ as my identity and acknowledged the fact that identities are sometimes a journey; some people also experience shifts in their attraction that don’t fit into any static orientations. This is a part of human experience and nothing to look at with awe. Understanding sexual identities/fluidity by eliminating discrimination and bringing it into a mainstream society was the need of the hour and still is.
Later in my life I had joined an LGBTQ club in Chennai and to my surprise I learnt that being bisexual is a challenge in the community itself. I felt disheartened to notice that bisexuality is not widely used in the vocabulary of homosexuals and is still a vulnerable identity under the LGBTQ umbrella. A gay friend of mine told me; that it has always come to disbelief that the homosexuals feel threatened by supporting bisexuals or any similar kind of sexual variability. This narrative revolves only discretely around the same sex attraction being as authentic and fixed as an orientation as heterosexuality.
Until 26 years of my life I hadn’t come out to anyone but as I stepped into the 27th, I gathered all my courage to come out to my best friend. It was not easy. I rambled a couple of times, failed to explain how I feel but I finally did it in an expectation that I will be accepted. I was wrong. I was mistaken, rather I was suggested a conversion therapy and was told bisexuality; precisely homosexuality is a myth.
I could see my friend flip and I knew it was coming. I described myself as a fluid bisexual/auto sexual and non binary and she didn’t know half of the terms. I have been discriminated for my sexual identity at college; work place etc. and I didn’t know how to handle it. There were umpteen such instances where my existence was ignored and I was looked down upon.
On the contrary the homosexuals have asked me to pick a side. I was invalidated as a bisexual person, ridiculed and laughed at. I ask, ‘Why should I?’ to everyone who either suggested me a conversion therapy or asked me to pick a side. I stand for myself and as bold as a rock and I would always.
Yes, I agree to the fact that bisexuality is difficult than any other sexual orientation to be explained. It projects a lot of ifs and buts, forms a niche within a niche and showcases a variety but it does exist and is not unnatural. People are born bisexual; they don’t choose to become one. Having a non normative sexuality is not a miracle that happens overnight. People are born homosexuals and of course, Bisexuality is not a trap; it co-exists with other sexual orientations.