CW: Mention of patriarchal gender stereotypes

Being gay in this world is not easy! In fact, the experience is not universal either. Ask any gay person in this world and the answer will differ from person to person everywhere. Some might be happy living as openly gay individuals with few worries, some might be cautious with whom they share info about their sexuality with, and some are downright in denial about their sexuality. I am one of those people who is cautious to share with the world. I try to keep a wall around me because I am that way. There is always a chip on my shoulder. 

So one day, I had to come out to my family members because it was becoming unbearable to hide. But the reaction to my coming out was not quite what I imagined. Well, if you have a supportive family, chances are they will support you and vice versa. For me, I did have a supportive family, but a conservative one. My coming out was not the same as what I had imagined it to be. So, let me tell you who my family consists of: my parents, two elder siblings, and me. My elder sister is married with a kid and my elder brother is divorced without kids. We live in Bombay and we are not a rich family, we are just a normal lower middle-class family, but we are a happy family! But one day tragedy stuck when my mom expired, leaving us heartbroken. It was one of the most tragic times of my life and a nightmare that had come real. We were all mourning, but the situation was that we were left without a woman in the house. So, no one was cooking in the house, and we were just about eating anything for some time. But, the issue was that there was no woman at home. Patriarchal families in India are very much obsessed with women cooking at home. They just want a woman in the kitchen to cook for them, and it’s a pretty oppressive approach. Every person who came to our house to give condolences said that the sons should get married as soon as possible so the kitchen would continue to operate. So, my extended family started telling us to get married, to any cis-woman, so the house would be neat and clean. My elder brother was the first target for the relatives. My brother is a very lazy and irresponsible guy, and that’s one of the reasons his marriage didn’t survive. So, he started putting pressure on me to get married, so everyone would leave him in peace. He said that between us two, it should be me. I thought we were a family, but for him, I was the person who needed to be sacrificed to save the family’s pride in society. From that point onwards, I stopped considering him my brother or my family, because I would never do that to him when he tried to throw me under the bus as if my life were an afterthought.

But, this is my coming out story, not about how I don’t like my brother anymore. So, my elder sister was also putting pressure on me to get married, but not with the same intent as my brother did. One day, fed up with it, I told her on a phone call that I was not straight. I told her that I was a homosexual. I expected her to be somewhat sympathetic and understanding, because we shared a great relationship. But, I was wrong, the reaction I got from her is something that I would never forget. She started panicking, telling me not to tell anyone about this, and that she was really scared when talking. But, you know what she was scared of, her reputation in society. She thought her relatives and her friends would make fun of her, and we would become the butt of all jokes. She listed some names and said don’t tell them, and was worrying about what would happen if anyone knew that I was gay. I didn’t argue with her, and just said okay! She started panicking again about what would happen to our father if he knew that I was gay! She started saying that he might die if anyone came to know about it, and everyone would make fun of him. He wouldn’t be able to bear the embarrassment that my identity, and by extension, I, would bring to my family. After that the conversation ended, and I was only thinking about how I thought my sister would be very supportive of me when I told her about my sexual orientation. What a fool I was. She didn’t care about me, she only cared about her reputation! I thought that my coming out would be accepted by my family, but I got a reality check that day. Right now, my relationship with my sister is back to normal, but the worst part is that we never talk about me being gay, and she acts like that conversation never happened. That day doesn’t exist in her mind. I maintain my distance from her.

This has made me very much opposed to the idea of coming out, and I hope the people who read this have a much better support system than I have. Coming out is a very personal choice, but be prepared for any outcome.