Hansel And Gretel: A Queer Re-telling

Long, long ago, in a land of magic,
Lived Hansel and Gretel – their tale, oh so tragic!
Whilst Hansel was a boy who wanted to be a girl,
Gretel loved women more than the world.

But their parents scowled and threw a fit,
As does every gender roles advocate,
So one fine night, in a fit of rage,
Their mother threw them out of their cage.

“Oh children, what will our neighbours think
If we let 2 abnormal freaks drive us off the brink?
Leave for the woods and never return,
For your father and I will be very stern!”

So saying, she shut them out,
Two little children – one slim, one stout,
“Oh, what do we do, Hansel?” Gretel cried,
For as darkness grew, their hope slowly died.

“Let’s seek shelter in the woods”, Hansel said,
Better well-rested, than half-dead,
So the two trudged deep into the woods,
Where they’d once spent their early childhood.

But in every corner of the eerie old woods,
Lurked predators seeking their livelihood,
For many a snake, tiger and evil gnome,
Called this dark mystical wood – their home.

Hours later – fatigued, ravenous, and blue,
The two finally spotted a light in the distance. Whew!
“Quick, Gretel! I see a house!” Hansel cried,
The two cheered, and set out in giant strides.

Gigantic, and covered in striped rainbow tiers,
The house was called, “Safe Space for Our Fellow Queers”
A wondrous haven, a serendipitous find,
Here, Gretel could love freely and Hansel could bind.

“We’re lucky we found this place!” Hansel hooted,
“But what if it’s dangerous?” Gretel refuted,
“Oh, don’t worry, Gretel,” Hansel muttered,
But still, her cautious little heart fluttered.

Warily, she knocked at the rainbow door,
Hesitant, but well, willing to explore,
The door was opened by a sweet old lady,
Who was warm, friendly and not a bit shady!

“Oh, come in! Come in my little dears!
Come join all your fellow queers!”
The two looked around at all the rainbow cages,
Which harboured queer children of different ages.

Rainbow cages, rainbow walls, even a rainbow bathroom stall!
But here’s the strangest thing of them all,
The queer children were strapped into the rainbow cages,
With rainbow duct tape concealing their faces.

“Hansel!” Gretel cried, scared out of her wits,
“These little children are being held captive!”
But Hansel, unperturbed and blinded, was simply overjoyed,
“Oh Gretel, don’t you see all the rainbow hues employed?”

“It’s a trap, Hansel!” Gretel sobbed,
But Hansel was, of all common sense – robbed,
Infatuated by the rainbow splashes,
He overlooked capitalism’s enchanting ambushes.

So the two were taken prisoner by the sweet old woman,
Whose name, she said, was Rainbow Capitalism Is Looming,
Exploited, abused, and forced to convert,
Gretel was made to love men,
Whilst Hansel couldn’t wear a skirt.

Until one fine day, after many years, the children of the prison,
Almost as if from the grave, had risen,
Decided to set themselves free and escape,
Whilst the old woman was buying grapes.

They conspired against her and decided on a plan,
And that afternoon, when she brought them apple flan,
Gretel vigorously rattled the bars of her cage,
Much to the old woman’s chagrin and rage.

“Speak up, little girl! What do you need?”
“I know how to make your corporation lead!”
The old woman’s eyes twinkled like stars,
And she pressed her wrinkled face against the bars.

“Tell me, girl. What can you do?”
“Let me out first; only then will I help you.”
Enthusiastically, the greedy old woman unlocked the cage,
And Gretel tumbled out, her plan in place.

“Madam, I am now straight, and my brother is cis,
All the other children in this house aren’t worth a day’s piss!
We don’t benefit your corporation anymore,
For we will remain cis-het forevermore!

The new trend in markets is supporting Nazis,
You’ll be loved and supported by the paparazzi,
Your business will bloom and so will you,
So change your business strategy, you old shrew!”

Overjoyed, the woman changed her marketing plan,
And endorsed the Nazi ideology and brand,
But as Gretel, of course knew, all too well,
With the woke liberal community, the idea did not sell.

Soon enough, her business shut down,
After internet trolls about her started taking their rounds,
One fine day, a group of allies entered the habitat of Rainbow Capitalism is Looming,
And freed the children, and imprisoned the woman.

As the children escaped, the old woman shrieked and sobbed and cried,
“You tricked me, girl! Oh, you should be fried!
This is all your fault, you little curse,
You brainwashed me, you made me worse!”

Gretel stopped and narrowed her eyes too,
“No, you pathetic hag, this one’s on you,
Your downfall is absolutely your fault too,
Your capitalist greed made you agree,
To profit off anything, no matter how gory!”

So saying, the children escaped with the allies to a land far away,
And built a safe space for queer children who’d run away,
They lived there for a long, long time,
In the hopes of seeing rainbow capitalism decline.

This is the story of two queer little kids,
Who were imprisoned by capitalism’s token bids,
But eventually found a way out of the ditch,
By out-smarting the system’s very own glitch.

They used the old woman’s greed against her,
To create a media uproar and stir,
Evoking support from allies and masses alike,
For the only way to destroy capitalism
Is if we all stand together – side by side!

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17. Queer. Socially anxious introvert. Ironically, a performing arts enthusiast. Experiences bizarre minimalistic urges, with often manifest in a desire to encompass the universe and confine it to a glass jar. Has a penchant for books, cats, doggos, horror movies, sunsets, oversized black t-shirts, mountains, Lucy Rose, and rickshaw rides on rainy days.

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