How NOT To Lose A Gaysi In 10 Days?

– A Queer Dating Guide on what NOT to expect when you’re expecting

So, for those who followed my silly poem titled ‘Differences’ last week, all of you know I am currently deployed on a mission to ascertain and change the mental intent and disposition of my own Laura Perkins (aka Master Thomas Pink who I fondly call Kreacher). It’s been about six months since I have known Kreacher and for most part I have been chasing Kreacher for what seems like eternity now (in reality, about three months). But my attempts at trying to snog Kreacher have been disastrous so far. This post therefore is my attempt at chronicling Love (not in the time of Cholera) but in the times of the Twenty Ten.

As someone transitioning into the queer world, I always thought that gay relationships would be easy breezy because that’s the way the sexes are wired right? Gay couples would not have to tackle the stereotypical problems encountered in straight relationships what with Men being from Mars and Women from Venus and so I believed rather falsely, that in a queer context somehow relationships would be a cake walk. But I was so wrong. So for all you new kids on the block, here is a Dating Guide on How NOT to lose a Gaysi in 10 days…and the ABCDs on how I nearly did.

But before, I get into details of my mis-adventures, let me tell you a bit about Kreacher first. Kreacher, is a twenty six year old writer (with a bachelor’s degree in behavioural structuralism) living in New York City. Like any intellectual New Yorker, its interests include philosophy, art, logic, linguistics and anthropology (now you get why Kreacher scoffs at my reading romance novels) and Karl Marx and Hegel rank as Kreacher’s top pin up boys. Kreacher prides itself in operating solely through reason and logic and is capable of displaying extremely high degrees of rationality even in the most trying of situations. That is how crazy rational Kreacher is and that explains the name too!

So here’s the thing, just when you write off Kreacher as a boring pseudo intellectual, Kreacher will surprise you because beneath that snotty and boring exterior is a smooth operating charming devil in disguise. Kreacher is super cute with an impish grin and hair to die for and armed with wit that can literally charm the pants off anybody!

Now on to the ABCDs on how not to behave.

(A) THEORY#1: Accelerated Adoration: (Is not) Love Actually!

Theory: Whatever you do, do not indulge in the urge to merge instantaneously and expect everything to work out miraculously in seconds. Real relationships take time and effort. Get to know someone before jumping the shark- no matter how badly you want to do otherwise. Playing hard to get has its advantages. Do not act like a love sick puppy. The other person is not likely to get your cute act and will probably think you are mad if you want to spend every waking moment with them so soon.

Case Study: This is exactly what happened while getting to know Kreacher initially. I would call, message, meet Kreacher all the time! And this is the conversation that ensued.

K: This constant spending time with each other, never ending meetings and conversations. I think we need a break from this intensity.

Me: Err… No am quite happy with spending 24/7 with u.

K: But don’t you think we should take things slow? We also have lives to lead and other people to meet.

Me: But I feel like I have known you for 10 years already.

K: Huh? We hardly know each other.

Me: {Whining…sulking} But I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I have got everything planned in my head….blab blab blab.

And with that I proceed telling K our life plans already much to K’s utter horror, shock and dismay.

K: Conversation in K’s head “Run K, Run! Run for your life!”

Queer Dating Lesson #1: No one wants to date some desperate blubbering idiot making life plans within two days. Get a grip and be rational. Just because you want something very quickly in a relationship doesn’t mean the other person wants it too… and at such an accelerated pace. Slow Down. Good things come to those who wait.

(B) Behaving Badly and Boiling the Bunny: (Is not) Overwhelming Love!

Theory: We live in an age where you’re encouraged to share your every waking thought and feeling with the rest of the world. Your life’s a show and your friends are your audience who cheer you, diss you, mock you, egg you and snigger in private. That’s right: Welcome to the 21st century where you and your emotions are an object of public consumption and entertainment. What do you get from the ticketed circus that has become your life? Well, I am glad you asked. Proceeds go to self-validation and pity-parties!

Case Study: This next set of events followed immediately. Kreacher who wanted a break, stopped calling me or meeting me. My friends told me to move on and logically any normal rational human being would. But I have never laid any claims on rational behaviour. Instead I decided to woo Kreacher with messages of “Love and Longing In Bombay” on my Facebook status updates. So my Facebook read: Miss Singh is Miss-sing (K called me Miss-sing affectionately and in private), I started posting links of all Devdas songs (albeit the contemporary versions), Madonna and Dido break up anthologies were plastered all over my wall.

Of course, I ain’t no Vikram Chandra and sounded like Loony and Ludicrous in Bombay instead.

Queer Dating Lesson #2: When someone wants a break to get perspective and get some space, do not make a public spectacle of yourself especially on social networking sites. As suspected, Kreacher had read each and every word but instead of re-considering its decision and deciding it missed me, Kreacher shrugged me off as a looney tuney and was further convinced that the right decision had been made. Kreacher later told me my behaviour was akin to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction boiling the bunny. So while I thought posting cutesy messages on Facebook was a proof of my over whelming love: the impression I gave was of a whack job in need of serious mental assistance and Kreacher desperately wanted me to check in with a Dr. Derek Shepherd to perform brain surgery on me.

(C) Christmas Conversation on Cutting: Make for Painful Presents!

Theory: You know how we sometimes like to mask our passive aggressions in a lovely dark gift wrapper of humor? Yeah, that? No so funny. Everyone sees through it and it only further strengthen’s people’s avid belief that your rightful place is an padded psych ward.

Case Study: Sometime later, we did establish contact. Kreacher was friends with my BFFs. Kreacher’s natural gift of rationality reasoned that if I had such nice friends I couldn’t possibly be that crazy.. At this point I graduated from Obsessive Ollie to Funny Flippant Floppy (I figured that in my new avatar, to retain Kreacher’s attention, I had to don my witty and funny cape all the time and keep all conversation restricted to light and fluffy) until I think I took the Funny Flippant Floppy act too far.

Me: Hey, I have sent you a Christmas present. Giggle Giggle {I sent Kreacher a sweet card written with red ink to bring out some Christmas Cheer in snowy Manhattan, but Kreacher doesn’t know that yet…Sush..}

K: Don’t waste money. As much as I like you, I do not feel comfortable receiving presents at this stage. So please will you stop already?

Me: Yes, I know that – therefore, I have sent you something that cost nothing i.e. a love letter written in red…blood red

K: Did you actually write the letter in your blood? <Freaking out>

Me: Not my blood entirely, also the blood of my junior colleagues.

K: <Fully freaking out> Are you serious? Did you really cut urself?

Me: Yes, its a letter in red..crimson..

K: <Awkward silence>

Queer Dating Lesson #3: If someone is asking you a serious question, do not appear flippant. This is particularly pertinent when you have an awkward history with the person in question. If the person already has an impression of you that is unfavourable, being flippant will only make it worse. Also, do not make casual conversation about cutting yourself. It isn’t cutesy. Another tip, laughing and giggling at your own jokes does not automatically elevate the mood and make it light hearted banter. On the contrary, you come off sounding like a blithering idiot.

(D) Dating Debacle: (No) expedited exclusive expectations!

Theory: In a world of limitless possibilities and unending choices of partners, monogamy and fidelity may appear to be an outdated and redundant concept. In fact, it may even look like the only people clinging on to these ‘virtues’ are us desperate ones (you know who you are!). Although exclusivity in a relationship is desirable and stabilising, it has to come with time. One needs to work towards it and not start with it and hope everything else will fall into place.

Case Study: After months of unsuccessfully wooing the Kreacher.. I had nearly given up and because I was probably my regular self in these moments, K being the sneaky little charmer that it is says this to me quite out of the blue:

K: Mis-Sing…hmmm… I have been thinking.. as long as you keep your life plans out of the equation and all things being normal…Can we go out on a date?

Me: Date? What do u mean by date?

K: You know the real kind.. a date-date…The one that involves going out, romance, chocolates, a bottle of wine….that kinda date.

Me: Yeah, sure I would love that.

K: Okay but one thing. I need to talk to the serious you.. Not the funny flippant you, but the serious you.

Me: Yeah, sure.

K: Do you have any expectations out of our date?

Me: No not really.. except that I do not want you to date other people! We should be exclusive.

K: Exclusive? Already? Du-de???? This is our first date since our break-up.

Queer Dating Lesson #4:

I guess this last lesson is self explanatory and needs no elaboration. More often than not people are dating multiple people at the same time and exclusive is going extinct like the tigers in India. Variety is the spice of life and one should roll with it, rather than demand exclusivity so early in a relationship.

So there you have it, dear Gaysis, the ABCDs on how not to lose a Gaysi in 10 Days. I almost did…. but am hoping my Kreacher is smart and intelligent enough to know that beneath all the crap, the contradiction, the indecisiveness, the impulsivity and the differences lies an equally smart and intelligent me despite all the evidence to the contrary. Yes, I do flutter and fumble like a blubbering idiot on most days and am just as flawed and self obsessed as the girl next door but beneath all that I’m just someone transitioning in this strange world… discovering, learning and growing from my mistakes on a daily basis. So Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Gaysis. Hope you have fun with your respective Kreachers these holidays. I sure hope, I do.

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