Just like regular decent people, homophobes come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes they’re hard to spot, because they’re masquerading as tolerant. But fear not, dear readers…because my homophobe-spotter is just as sharp as my ‘gaydar’. You will soon be able to spot these types from a mile away and avoid the frustration of enduring an ignorant conversation.

There are a couple of types that specifically piss me off.

(*Jahil = Illiterate)

1) The complete ‘Jahil’*: This kind of person is the worst by far, doesn’t know jack about anything and will usually quote something religious, with no logic or reason to back their hatred of homosexuality. Don’t bother arguing or trying to explain anything to them, because they usually have the intellect of a squirrel, with really thick skulls that are virtually impenetrable. Sadly, some of them are totally and hypocritically gay themselves.

When writing about these freaks I’m reminded of a news report I saw in Karachi approximately 5 yrs ago. It was about a (bearded) Muslim man who confessed to the imam of his mosque that he was acting out on his homosexual desires, the imam told him that, it was a sin and to absolve himself he should sacrifice something that was dear to him. How this scrotumface translated the imam’s words was ghastly beyond words. He thought the only way his gayness would be ‘cured’ and forgiven was if he chopped the heads off all three of his sleeping children. And so that’s what this asshole did. I don’t know what became of him. But for fuck’s sake, it’s idiots like these that give Islam a bad name. And, what a dickwad imam too. None of this would happen if our people were more educated.

2) The ‘Educated’ Jahil: A living, breathing oxymoron. They’re hard to spot really; they live amongst us, they’re doctors, teachers, lawyers etc. And you can’t tell at first because they’re seemingly educated, well-traveled and well-rounded. But then one day, you’re having a conversation and they say something like, “OMG! There’s a gay guy at my work… It’s so disgusting, it’s just not natural!”

And be warned, that’ll completely catch you off guard. But remain calm – because getting your panties in a bunch and arguing with these types is pretty pointless. Their educated side has usually been glazed over with a thick coat of blind faith. And I have no problem with people of religion, as long as their critical thinking skills and logic remain intact. 

3) The Pseudo-liberal Ignoramus: These sorts like to pretend they’re ok with everything when they’re really not. They’ll usually say things that’ll clue you in to their particular condition, such as “Oh I’m fine with gay people as long as they don’t try to hit on me.”

What the fuck does that mean? Really, you think you’re THAT attractive that you’ll tempt every single gay person that you cross paths with? It’s just as ludicrous as a straight person assuming that everyone of the opposite sex wants to sleep with them (ugh and those exist too).

Here’s another give away. You may hear them say, “I’m fine with gay people as long as they don’t touch each other in front of me…” So it’s ok for you to suck your ugly partner’s face in front of everyone but gay people need to keep it in the bedroom? That’s bullshit.

4) The Double-Standard Douche: Sadly, this type is almost always male. He will make it clear that he’s not ok with male homosexuality, but will make it a point to emphasise that he’s (more than) fine with lesbians. This is followed with a slimy comment on how he’d like to ‘do it’ with a lesbian. Sorry dumbass! A lesbian’s not likely to do it with you….ESPECIALLY you!

I’m not trying to say that any guy with a lesbian fantasy is a dick; just the ones that are homophobes at the same time. Cuz yeah, let’s face it, most guys love the idea of two ladies getting it on. And if you aren’t a homo-hater, there ain’t nothing wrong with visualizing two lovely ladies. But if you hate homosexuality, then stick with it asshole. Be consistent; don’t drop the hate when it’s convenient.

So, there ya have it folks, those are the main types I’ve been able to identify. Feel free to let me know if you’ve spotted any other varieties. If you really want to be sure you aren’t catching a case of homophobe cooties, then print out the following picture (I took it at the Parade, you’re welcome!) Keep it in your wallet. If ever in doubt, pull it out and all possible homophobes will clear the room!
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I kid, I kid. That picture could send a lot of perfectly nice people screaming if they aren’t expecting it. So don’t subject unsuspecting passersby to it. However, if you really want to, you can link em to the blog. And for those of you whose eyes are burning from the previous visual, I’ll post a picture that turned up on my camera after my husband was holding it for a while.

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Ah Pride….something for everyone… really.