If Things Were A Little Different



Dear Mom and Dad,

I tried a lot to get myself to talk to you in person but I failed in courage and guts. I’m 25 and I feel I’m living a lie. And I was. A lie that forbids me to be genuine in front of you. A lie which if lifted might scar my friendships and distance dear ones. I should have done this a long time back. But till it seeps into you, I’ll be there while you decide whether to accept it or not. I shall wait till the verdict is out.

The last few months have been extremely painful and filled with anxiety – sleep and hunger depriving me. Suppressing the essence of me, muffling me to silence. Imagine what its like to not breathe, to be devoid of oxygen.

Shocking and shattering as it may sound to you….

I’m straight.

I have written and rewritten this letter every week for a year now but never dared to post it. It was never good enough and the words always seemed to be the worst assortment. But I guess they will never be apt or convenient. I have been in touch with my heterosexuality for quite a while now but I always entertained it as a phase. I thought it would fade, thought it would rub off me.  I thought I’d also be normal. Everyday of my life since I can remember, it felt as if God was picking on me.  All those years of divine abandonment when you thought I had become an atheist was probably due to this. Why did God make me different? A question I’d ask myself day and night.

I couldn’t come to terms with my heterosexuality. I had no one to discuss it with. It was just me, and a foolish me. Cautious in my ways and conscious in my actions is how I always lived. I guess I was always attracted to girls. I’d look at them slyly while in a group, peeking. But could never have the courage to be out and be myself.

It’s not like I didn’t try. I did try to date two guys, Alex and Manish. I tried my best to be like them but I couldn’t. I tried everything I could to not disappoint you, to not disappoint myself, but I failed. But that was a time when I was filled to the brim with self-loathing. I hated myself for who I was. I thought of myself as less than others and had no motivation to live. I had secret affairs with these women and that had suicidal repercussions. But now things are different. I have come to an understanding with myself and I think of myself as a fool to have not accepted myself the way I was. I love myself and do not think of myself as a criminal. I’m a good human and a kind heart, something that you had wished for me to be when I grow up.

I cannot and do not want to change anything about my sexuality, as it has made me, me. I wish to settle with a girl and have a family and I really hope you stand tall and proud besides me that moment. I hope you are there when I raise my unusual family. I hope you support me. I may have shattered some of your dreams but trust me I am that same boy, your son. I hope you understand what I have tried to put into this letter and my heart is in there as well. Mom and Dad I must have caused a hole or two in your heart but I hope you will overcome it. I am ready to wait. Take your time, no matter how long. I will explain and re-explain if you are ready to listen. I hope you call me, Mom and I hope you see me in the same light, Dad. I am finally happy and living life.

Your clumsy son,


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Clouds, stars, lousy humans and romantic bugs, mushrooms and starfish are what I write about. These verses are fantastical dreams and twisted realities. A rich broth of many secrets, some as is and some tempered with. Be cautious before tasting.
Mayank Bisht

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