I’M 33

[Editor’s Note : When we called for submissions for the second volume of Gaysi Zine we received a lot of short stories from writers all over the world – unfortunately, far more than we are able to feature in the zine. Therefore, we are delighted to be able to publish the best of those stories here on the blog.

Many fear hitting the BIG 3-0. But Flygye12 here shows us how turning 33 is like hitting the sweetest spot of adulthood. One may be past the wild days of twenties, but the belief in self assertion and a sense of reality fused with hope is something to look out for!]



I turned 33 this year. I live in a touristy-hill-station-y town. In the Hindi movies we, folks of this town, go to school quite late. So late that they normally cast a 27 (Aamir Khan then) or a 28 (Siddharth Malhotra now) year old to fit the image of a typical local schoolboy. In these movies, when not practising our main sport cycling, we lounge about the local 5 star pools showing ass cracks.

I’m 33 and I want to see some ass. Unfortunately, there are no 5-stars or pools in this town. Heart-breakingly, the local men who could show me some ass, live on PlanetRomeo.com, behind fake names. My research shows that these men generally look like American jocks.  Are usually Size XL. Prefer Safer Sex and Golden Rules. Golden Rules, incidentally, have nothing to do with empathy and reciprocity. There are 561 of these men.

Then there are the 9 women. They have a penchant for having their pictures clicked at the local photo studio, wearing sarees. 2 of them are under 25. I’m am 33 and my Aunts want me to say yes to one of these ladies.

I have more Aunts in this town than I really care for. My Aunts love Facebook. They are FB friends on my other profile. I have 2 profiles-one for the Family and one that I use. You don’t want to be friends with the family-guy me. I call it my virtual dungeon. I throw you there if I don’t like you. No no, I do like my Family. Generally. Only they’re too nosey and I ain’t out of the closet yet.

Though my cousin outed me when I was 28. He was quite thorough. He didn’t miss anyone in the 15 to 65 age bracket: Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, Grannies, later Mom and finally Dad. But its still unofficial, the Family is careful to not mention it. Except one other cousin who whenever we are in company, likes to innocently ask about my ‘friend’. He’s 21 and he will come out before me.

My boyfriend was 21 when I met him. He’s someone you don’t-talk-about in the family, the reason behind the two Facebooks. We have a long-long relationship. Long cause its been long and long because its long distance. He, is my alter ego, my conscience-keeper. We are exact opposites. Know one, reverse everything and you completely know the other. I’m not the funny one. Or the life of a party. I can’t dance. Never been accused of being a drama queen. I think Madonna can’t sing and writes stupid songs. I can’t remember any lyrics or songs. I don’t like the ‘scene’. I can’t bargain. I can’t match shoes and tie. I can’t knot a tie. I like to sleep by 10. I’m not creative. I’m uptight. I’m opinionated. I’m quick to judge. I’m not a handyman. I can  give correct instructions to the handyman. He’s practically emotional against my emotionally practical. We have lived together in the past. I did not do the interiors of that house. He now lives in it with his Mom.

I am 33 and I now live with my parents in this town. I think we were smoked up when we thought we must take care of our aging parents live together later.  Wrong call. The young are no match for these experienced tough cookies. Those blood pressure pills are really super-energy ginseng or something.

Tired of the constant pressure of marriage, I finally, officially, came out to my parents. Of course it did not help. I now know what ‘being in a state of denial’ means inside out.

Mom: But why don’t you wanna marry?
I: I’ve told you why.
Mom: That’s no reason.
I:    😐

I fear conversations. Every topic is a minefield. There only two sentences between your first and the M-word.

Exhibit A:

“I really want to buy a bigger car.”
” Which one?”
“An SUV.”
“What’s the use, you don’t even have a wife and kids. That’s why I say get married and enjoy life. ”

Exhibit B:

Me(watching IPL):Is that Dhoni’s wife?
Mom (beaming):Yes. And do you know she’s from this town?
Dad: Now you too must get married soon. 😀
Me: 😐

The last time I went to ‘see’ a girl I was 26. The girl was pretty but I fell in love with her brother. Thankfully the girl rejected me. I am 33 and I still don’t want to get married. I live everyday waiting for the day when things will change.

But I will think about it tomorrow. After all tomorrow is another day.
And I won’t remain 33  forever !

“Daddy, daddy if you could only see
Just how good he’s been treating me
You’d give us your blessing right now
‘Cause we are in love, we are in love, so please…
Papa don’t preach”

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Representing your token small town, when not losing his temper, flygye12 is constantly losing stuff. In his 30s and still undecided on a career, he marks time as a professional procrastinator. His top fantasies are to become a somewhat famous mural painter and lose 6 kgs.

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