Just So You Know

Wherever you are, but to say ‘wherever’ would be incorrect, I do know where you are. You had mentioned it to me the last time we spoke to each other. I never looked up for you until I finished college and then I started working and one evening I had nothing to do and of course had a relapse. Over the course of years, I often thought of and then wondered what you were doing? So, I had this strange urge to look you up and I did find you instantly given the unique name you have. Every few days I run out of ways to keep myself occupied and I get bored. I thought maybe I can drop you a Hello and I did. However, I did not want you to get the idea or think that I was stalking you or something similar. I just wanted to say a random hello. I decided I won’t fret over it coz’ I had nothing to lose. You replied after several days. We exchanged a couple of texts and you added me to your friends list. I smiled and at the same time wondered what exactly did you think about me then and if you still held the same perspective ?

I am not sure as to where I want to start this but then I will. I did ask you to forgive me and I remember chanting that phrase like it was some ‘Mantra’. I wonder now if I was asking you to forgive me coz’ I was immature or so I could just forget the whole thing or that was me saying I know, I made a terrible mistake, I cannot undo it but just forgive me maybe for freaking you out?

In hindsight I wish I had done so many things differently but when I think about it, I wouldn’t want it any-other way. So, I was new in your neighbourhood and you and your friends where standing in your friend’s porch while I was carrying stuff inside I noticed your tall, slim structure out of the corner of my eye and I committed it to my memory. As cliché as it sounds we became friends. But friendship was not sufficient for me, I wanted more not to mention I was young (junior high), stupid and foolish. Soon I was looking for ways to hold you, touch you and it became evident. Couple of months later, when I walked up to you one evening you asked me flatly to get out. At, first I thought you were kidding. When I realized that it was not some joke, I was not sure of what was happening. But I knew alright, I knew it was bound to happen but never really acknowledged it. I went still, I knew nothing I said was going to make a difference so I stood still watching it all unfold. Worst part? Even then I believed I could make us work. Do you know why? Coz’ to me it was all-normal. I liked you and I was trying to hold your attention. I wondered if you would want to talk and sort it out and make peace but in that moment I knew I had to leave you alone coz’ you decided to talk about it before a group. Sigh!

Two days later I get a friend request from an unknown ID, I ignore it but they send a text saying it was your friend. So, I add and after the introduction and a minute, I realized that the whole point was about something else. I was given a title ‘lesbian’. I pause for a full minute to absorb what just happened. I feared not for the word but for what would happen if I stepped out of the door. More importantly about the fact that you spoke about it to somebody else? I was not ashamed of who I was, but I was at my naiveté, for not thinking where I was heading. We exchanged words for a while and ended up being called bitch. Seriously? I didn’t know trying to love someone deserved that honor. It was after you that I started being more cautious and for that I have you to thank for. Ever so grateful my dear.

Now, I know why I wanted your forgiveness. I asked not for who I am, but for the sole reason that maybe it was very intimidating to you, very far from what was expected ‘normally’. And, only to tell you that am sorry if I had upset you and meant no harm and that am sorry I didn’t ask if you were interested (but then you see I hadn’t figured out so much by then). You eventually mouthed ‘I forgive you’ in my way for my satisfaction. Not to mention you called my then friend to warn her of me and my ways. Did I mention this? Once I had a random conversation with one of your friends and she asked me in mock sarcasm if I was still interested in you? This is why I wonder about your perspective today.

Anyway, the most important thing I want you to know is — Given any circumstance if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have gathered a mob to ridicule and insult you and after all these years like I said, I still wonder what your thoughts are regarding the same. I am sure neither you nor your friends would have made it a big deal, if I were a guy pursuing a girl and in case you were not interested the answer would have been sorry ‘no’ but definitely not like how it played out for me.

There are two things that stop me from having this discussion with you.

1. I am little concerned if my in-box will again be flooded with hate mail.? 2. Do I really want to know whether you want to make fun of it or not? Umm, I think I’ll pass.

Oh yeah, and to that doctor who said I should stop wearing trousers because it would want to make me be a man. You can kiss my ass, for all I care.

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