“You have to trim the pubes.”

What??!! That’s as much as my shocked expression could…well…express.

“Ya… come on… you can’t be such a prude. If you’re a dyke, you got to start thinking like one.”

“I didn’t know dykes thought differently from non-dykes… I mean other than the fact that they think about girls…”

“See, that’s the problem with you newbies. You just decide one morning to get off the other side of the bed but don’t consider that the way to the same loo that you go to in the morning is changed…different…even if by only ten steps.”

“My bed is against the wall. I have to get off the same way and walk the same route every morning…. no exception.”

“Ufff. That’s not the point I was making. It was an analogy for changing sexual preference one morning.”

“I realise that. And I was using the same analogy to tell you loud and clear that it’s not a sudden swing. I have always been this way, just not active.”

“Then how come you don’t know that lesbos need to trim their pubes?”

“I didn’t say I didn’t know. I just didn’t think about it so…so concretely.”

“Bad enough you’re a late starter, better get your act together and shape up…”

“…and trim down?”

“haha… now you’re talking! “

“Why did you suddenly start talking about pubes?”

“You asked.”

“I asked? All I asked was what you thought made relationships work?”

“Exactly. If you trim your pubes your partner will love you all the more for it.”

“But what if I don’t trim? My shining  personality will have nothing to do with making the relationship work? My mind? My looks? My body… barring the alleged untrimmed pubes? I mean there’s so much that can make a relationship work but you zeroed in on the pubes… the thing that was lowest on my list of probables…no wait…it wasn’t the lowest – it was non-existent!”

“Hey…don’t make me feel like I’m an a*hole for saying what I said… all this personality and intellectuality is of no use if your partner gets lost in the forest down under.”

(Oh god!)

“Maybe we should stop talking. Can you forget I asked you anything…?”

“No way. You have that look …”

“What look? Horrified?”

“Yeah. Like I’m the insane one.”

“I’m sorry… the visuals of everything you’re saying are freaking me out.”

“Sex is an important bit which keeps people together. Right?”

“I’m not sure about that yet but go on…”

“So if your partner gets scared every time she has to go down on you, that’s not quite the secret ingredient you’re looking for. I mean she’ll do it coz she loves you and all that but then it will become fewer and fewer repeat performances, until you literally reach a point where you have to drag the horse to the watering hole. So that’s what I’m saying… keep the hedges pruned.”

“Horse. Hedges. And that’s paramount in your opinion? The Quickfix of relationships?”

“Yup. Now, I’ve got others queued up so what will it be today?”

“Well… I seem to have the personality and intellectuality covered… let’s uncover the rest – let’s  go Brazilian!”

And that’s how relationships are made and saved in a waxing parlour!