I have (and still do) struggled with debilitating social anxiety for almost 8 years. I got a diagnosis at 19, but I remember feeling intense anxiety in public spaces even when I was 17.

My social anxiety got particularly bad during my short stint at law school, where I was subjected to immense cruelty, sexual harassment, and public humiliation repeatedly. Everything that happened to me and everything I did became a topic of conversation and, eventually, controversy on the campus. I ended up dropping out in a year because things got to a point where I couldn’t even get up to go to my classes or the mess for food, which was merely a few meters away from my room. I did not want anyone to see me. If someone saw me there would be conversation about me and that conversation never felt kind. I’ll spare you the sadder details.

Even after I left, my anxiety continued to get worse. If I ever stood still in a public place and allowed myself to look around, I started anticipating what everyone passing by was thinking. I truly believed (and still do to some extent) that everyone who saw me thought something cruel about me and that they went ahead and told it to everyone they knew. So I simply never went out. I figured that if I don’t go anywhere and nobody sees me, nobody will gossip.

Even when I did end up going anywhere I tried my best to sit as still, as quietly as humanly possible. I never tried to socialize with anyone. If I saw someone whom I knew didn’t like me, I would immediately start having a panic attack thinking about every possible horrible thing that they could say.

But last year around May, I did something I am particularly proud of – I went to a public gathering that included someone I had a bad history with and I didn’t go through a panic attack after. I socialized, I spoke to new people, I had fun, and I came back happy. A year later I have gone to multiple such gatherings and I go out of my house almost daily.

Today I want to share how I manage my social anxiety in such situations:

I asked myself “why do I need to go?”

I sat down with a diary and pen and made a list of reasons I wanted to go. It was a heritage walk organized by a friend and I really wanted to support them. The walk dealt with urban heritage in Delhi and I found it very interesting. I hoped to learn to look at cities differently and hopefully use my new perspective to understand my own hometown better. I had never really walked around Old Delhi before, except for the popular spots and this seemed like a good way to start exploring the area.

Write down why you want to go to the event. Is it because you want to meet new people? Is it because the host is a friend and you want to be there for them? Is it because you want to see what it’s like? Is it because you don’t want to look at everyone’s insta story after and think ‘what if’? Writing down your reasons to go will help you visualize what a good time you can potentially have at the event. It helps channel your anticipation positively.

I put together an outfit.

This seems silly. This probably is silly, but I put together an outfit I would be excited to wear. I washed it, ironed it, and laid it out neatly the night before. This made me excited to wake up  the next morning. I wanted to put on that outfit and go out somewhere. I don’t like meeting people or talking to people but I do like clothes. So I decided that the walk could be a good excuse to put on nice clothes and prance around.

You probably don’t like clothes as much as me or at all. That’s okay. You don’t need to plan an outfit. Figure out an equivalent to it. Do you like food? Is there a nice eatery on the way to the event? Maybe you can stop by before you go. This will help get you in a good mood before you even get there. It’ll also make you get out the door. When you have social anxiety, getting out of the door is the hardest part. This step helps make that easier.

It helps fool your brain. You’re not actually going to the big scary thing with lots of people. You’re just getting ready because the outfit is so cute. Now that you’re ready you might as well go out and take a walk in your pretty dress. You’re just going to have parathas at moolchand. You’re not doing a scary thing.

Think of it as a transitional or buffer activity between home and the goal event.

Made sure I packed my bag well.

I made sure that I had everything I could possibly need once I’m there. I kept a bottle or water, first aid, a book, a power bank and everything I could. This may seem like a doomsday bomb shelter kinda activity to a lot of people but knowing that your bag has everything you need can be very reassuring. It’s like a mental crutch. An aid within reach.

Here are some other things you may want to pack: ear plugs, sunglasses, stim toys, extra face mask, wet wipes, a deodorant, a playlist that you like and that help you ground. 

Dragged my friends into it.

I asked a friend to come with me to the walk. I met them a little before I reached and stayed around them most of the time. It was nice to know that I’m not alone. I could hold their hand when I felt panic brewing. There was one person I trusted who didn’t dislike me and would never gossip about me at this thing. In case I actually ended up getting a panic attack they could be there for me.

Not everyone who dislikes me is cruel.

This I believe helped the most. Over the years with help from both professionals and friends I have managed to start being a bit less paranoid. A huge reason for my anxiety about meeting people is because in the past being disliked has been a real threat. People have said some very hurtful things and the gossip has been extremely cruel.

People, at least people in safe spaces, aren’t usually cruel. Yes, they may not like you. They may or may not have reasons for that but that doesn’t mean that they’ll go out of their way to make things difficult for you publicly. Most people don’t enjoy being needlessly unkind.

I was scared about things they might say or do at the event or afterwards but they didn’t say anything to me. I maintained my distance from them and so did they. The event ended and the world didn’t end.

Set boundaries with your friends.

I set a boundary early on in most friendships with regards to my various triggers. For my social anxiety I insist that none of my friends tell me about gossip that they heard about me unless I take the initiative and ask them.

Gossip is never constructive and it’s also not about you. The people gossiping don’t really talk about you that way because they want you to improve as a person or because they even care about you in any way. People gossip because it’s fun. They’ll talk about you and then move on to someone else who seems more scandalous. Nobody really thinks about anybody long enough.

This is not a bad thing but it’s also not something that warrants your attention. Knowing that you’re being gossiped about can cause a lot of strain on your socially anxious mind. If you get to know the specifics of the gossip you’ll dwell on it and if you don’t you’ll simply think about every terrible thing people can say about you. It’s much better to just not know if someone is being mean to you behind your back. If they wanted you to know they’d say it to your face.

Post the event a friend ended up ‘jokingly’ telling me that the individual tweeted something mean on their locked account. They refused to reveal anything more on account of the privacy of the individual. This ended up triggering me badly. Even though this was months later, I started spiraling in public view. It started as a spell of anger, then devolved into tears, and soon after I lost complete control of myself and started rage crying. Worst of all, they told me all of this in a public place at least an hour away from my house so I was overwhelmed in public and felt doubly vulnerable. My brain not only started thinking about every horrible thing that an individual could have said about me but it also, simultaneously, started thinking about how every single onlooker was judging me for making a scene. I was at the brink of complete insanity and I remember after a while that I began moving and talking on autopilot. I do not remember anything I said or did during that period except for crying furiously and my teeth vibrating and hurting badly.

This could all have been avoided had I not been told about something that this person didn’t want me to see anyway. Whatever they said was said on a locked account. If they wanted me to see it they could have said that publicly. Nothing really came out of giving me this information except gross violation of boundaries that two people explicitly set for themselves.

Reeling from a panic attack in a public place.

Usually what helps me if I have a panic attack due to social anxiety is going to a quiet place. I couldn’t go anywhere alone at the moment because I was in a crowded area with no washrooms or quiet areas anywhere. A friend who was with me made me sit down on some steps at a stairway and waited until I had grounded myself. Then I washed my face, ate something sugary, and guzzled a litre of cold water – all activities that can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system and restore some calm. Afterwards, I called someone whom I consider safe and went home with them. I tried to sleep off the after effects of the panic attack but it didn’t work.