Personal Stories Sex + Body Positivity

My First Sex Toy – A (Self) Love Story

My first vibrator completely changed my approach to sex – even partnered sex! It changed how I show up in those interactions. I became more confident — focusing more on how I am feeling, what I want as opposed to how I’m being perceived.

When I was asked to write a piece about my first sex toy… my mind didn’t go to a traditional ‘sex toy’ at all. I’ve had so many brushes with DIY  sexual everyday objects in my adolescence (as I’m pretty sure a lot of us have). I would be lying if I didn’t mention them. So what do I even write about?

Do I write about the first time I sat on the arm of a sofa juuuust right and it made me feel ~things~ I’d never felt before? I must’ve been around 8… just playing in my house when I happened to dangle on our single-seater sofa, when I felt a strange, new, good feeling between my legs.

Or do I write about my sadiyon ka masturbation saathi – our very own health faucet – that taught me the ABCs of clitoral stimulation at a young age?

Pure, innocent childhood curiosity led to pure, innocent pleasure. But I distinctly remember it not feeling all that innocent. Being an AFAB person born and raised in India, I’m pretty sure you can understand why and even relate.  The invisible voyeur in my head – the male gaze, the “log kya kahenge” filter or whatever you want to call it –  kept telling me what I was doing was “bad”, “wrong”, and “shameful”… even though it felt sooo good.

As I grew older, I decided to be brave, shirk off the fear, and to keep on leaning into the good feeling. I moved out of home, I started hooking up with people, and started exploring my sexuality.

But honestly, the day I decided to buy my first sex toy changed something in me.

Buying your first sex toy is a mix of excitement, curiosity, and a touch of nervousness. For me, it was maybe more than a touch! It was a significant step towards exploring and understanding my own idea of pleasure and my desires. Up until that point, most of the sexual experiences I had – mostly with cis men – were almost like a performance. I was performing sexuality for the other person’s consumption. I was performing sexuality for the male gaze. I cared more about whether the other person was having a good time and I was turning them on… rather than focusing on whether I was enjoying myself!

Getting my first sex toy was different. It was so strange at first. It’s funny how I could perform sexuality so naturally for cis men, but when it came to actually connecting with myself and exploring my own body, those old feelings of doing something “bad” and “besharam” came rushing back. That’s cause we’re taught our bodies are for everyone’s consumption but our own. Well… that basic sasta massager I bought sucked  that sharam right out of me – and how!!

It opened up a whole new world – not just of pleasure – of a sense of self. It truly helped me come into my own and connect with what sex and sexuality mean to me and not just the social script that was shoved down my throat for years!

There’s such a sense of empowerment in choosing a toy that suits your preferences, whether it’s a sleek and discreet vibrator or a more elaborate and adventurous device. Of course, there are many factors to consider when buying your first sex toy – your budget, the kind of sensations you’re looking for, what areas you aim to please , whether it’s discreet (for desi homes) and not too loud, etc. Regardless of the kind of toy you get though, it’s a moment of self-discovery, as you begin to learn more about your body, what YOU love, what pleases YOU and what brings YOU satisfaction.

My first vibrator completely changed my approach to sex – even partnered sex! It changed how I show up in those interactions. I became more confident — focusing more on how I am feeling, what I want as opposed to how I’m being perceived. I think it taught me how to actually be present and enjoy sex for the first time.

Not to mention, a sex toy – like a vibrator – is a great litmus test for all vagina owners who happen to be sexually attracted to cis men. I remember a rather shitty ex of mine who felt so threatened by the thought of me having a vibrator. In hindsight, the dude was a total dumbass. If you want to suss out a man, whipping out a vibrator is a quick, easy way to do it. Does he view this device as an enemy or an ally? That’s a good question to ask yourself.

So yeah. If you’re on the fence or apprehensive about it, this is your sign to go ahead and order that sex toy! You never know what you may discover. <3

[Do check out the Imbesharam’s First Time Shopper Collection]

One thought on “My First Sex Toy – A (Self) Love Story

  1. As a queer person, the glaring lack of toys for gay men (flared base that is not depressing, where are you?) is shocking! Pleasure belongs to everyone, why should it only be limited to those with money, power and conform to the hetero society? Hmmm, a point to ponder!

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Kavz (they/them) @chai.shy is a queer nonbinary mixed media and performance artist. They believe that being queer and finding their own sense of community has transformed their life. They’re all about self expression and authentic connections!

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