My League of Evil Exes!

WARNING: Geek Alert!!!

If you have seen or read Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, you know what I am talking about when I declare rather dramatically that…I…am…Ramona Flowers! In order to get my ‘happily-ever-after’ with a Ms. Pilgrim of my own, I need to take matters into my own hands and defeat my 7 Evil Exes, who are totally to blame for the untrusting commitment- phobic adult that I am today. Pfffttt…what does Freud know? It’s not my parents or my subconscious…it’s my very own League of Evil Exes! So let the Ex bashing begin!

Evil Ex No.1: Ms. Vampire Patel- The mandatory straight girl that we all fall for in school or college. She insists that she is into men and then sleeps with you every night under the cloak of darkness, only to ignore you come early morn. While you are still rubbing the sleep from your eyes, she proceeds to curl herself around the nearest available male. Sex with her (only at night of course) is amazing and confusing. Her guilt rules your life and lying becomes second nature. You get a crick in your neck from her increasingly passive aggressive behaviour until three years down the line, when she leaves you and college without so much as a ‘it was fun knowing you”.  The only way to defeat her is to fall promptly in love with another straight girl thereby confusing her with your passive aggressive behaviour! *Haaiyaaaa…(flying karate chop)*!!!!

Evil Ex No.2: Ms. Second Lee- The rebound/revenge straight lover whose delicate arms you rush into with careful planning and strategy. You are determined to be the indifferent one this time, the one who will walk away first, the one who will have the last laugh….HAHAHAHAhahahahah…Sob…sob…sob…Wha????? You just got dumped…again? Never you mind Chica…you can defeat her with a robust treatment of drugs and alcohol; until you forget what she looks like or who you are….whichever comes first! Cheers!

Evil Ex.No.3: Ms. “Twin-Soul” Ingram- Fresh from the alcohol and drug rehabilitation centre, you meet your first out gay woman. It is a cause for celebration. She knows what she wants. She wants you. And she tells you that she wants you. You come out hopping, skipping and sometimes tripping out of the closet. You nod your head to Indigo Girls and Melissa Ethridge, watch all the requisite lesbian coming-out films (all ten of them) back-to-back, grow your under-arm hair in complicated spider web designs and insert words like “queer” and “vagina” into your everyday vocabulary. Six fabulous months down the line, you will be weeping copious amounts of tears in that very same closet that you so gayly came out of. The only way to defeat this particular Ex is to continue being out and proud, while she gets married, has 3 children and visits the beauty parlour on a regular basis. A non-existent sex life, snot nosed brats and monthly waxing is all the revenge you need!

Evil Ex No.4: Mistress Roxie- Badabadaboom…your eyes meet across the room. You indulge in heavy flirting and light petting (or the other way around). Thunder!!! You buy her a drink or few. Lightning!!! You have fabulous sex!!! You wake up with your arms and legs wrapped around each other. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!!! Until she casually rips your heart out with, “Oh…did I mention that I am in a serious relationship?” Ummmm….NO!!! And then follows it up even more casually with, “But we are not monogamous or anything…so….” One year of checking her email and messages slyly, or her neck for hickeys…and forget revenge or defeat…just walk away with your soul intact and that would be a bargain!

Evil Ex No.5 &6: The Quickie Twins- You go through both of them in quick succession to take the bitter taste of the other four out of your mouth. Rinse…Spit…Repeat! All you are hoping for at this stage is lots of mind numbing sex. Rinse…Spit…Repeat!

Evil Ex No.7: Ms. Walk-over-your-Grave- You have reached the final and most difficult level of the game. You are in a normal adult relationship. You move in with her and get a cute ball of fur (preferably canine) together. You introduce her proudly to parents and friends as your Partner. You are the envy of every single queer woman struggling through the other six levels. You have achieved nirvana. Until she meets the woman of her dreams and doesn’t even bother lying to you about it. But she is Honest! Then she leaves you with an empty flat and the next month’s rent. But she still wants to be your Friend! And I am…so take that Evil Ex. No.7! Who’s laughing now, eh? Huh? Huh? Probably her and her gorgeous young lover…sigh!

I might as well go and thumb through my copy of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and plagiarise some ideas for some completely unoriginal writing. Game over.


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I, Queerly Yours, am a LUSH (Lesbian Unemployed Super Hero). I hereby solemnly swear that I will use my secret power (Imagination) to overthrow the straight regime, promote queer affairs; both foreign and domestic, provide a weekly dose of fictional lesbian angst and drama, make fun of everything and everyone and of course.....WORLD PEACE.
Queerly Yours

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