I was forced to go for a random party, no known faces and I feel lost in a crowd, sipping a drink that I’ve been nursing for too long. I see her from a distance. Little does she know that I noticed her curious glance towards me. Trying to be as discreet as possible, I start noticing her- curly hair which is just the right amount of messy, the delicate shoulders, the fit body, the slight twinkle in her eyes which gets more pronounced as the night progresses and the wine (red wine sangria to be precise) flows and then there’s her smile which floors me the very instant. I know for a fact I must talk to her, but how? I’m a bundle of nerves and I can’t think straight (pun intended). Eventually I do manage to orchestrate a chance conversation (which I had rehearsed in my mind several times) with the help of some good Samaritans. How I longed to have the guts to ask her for her number. But all I manage to say is, “I’ll see you around sometime”. Sigh! I seemed to be much more brave and cool in my head.

Cut to three weeks later: I’ve finally managed to establish contact with ‘the mystery girl’, after asking around a lot! It’s funny how the one memory I have of her has engulfed me. I just need an excuse to tell anyone who’s willing to listen about this mystery girl- how she managed to take my breath away in our very first conversation.

Cut to four weeks after chance encounter- our first meet! She seems reserved, she seems so elusive. I meet her not knowing what to say or do. Is it too soon to say anything? Is it weird to flirt already? So I chicken out and not do anything. I do leave the rendezvous knowing that the girl has some kind of hold on me. I want to know more. I have no patience. But all my attempts at holding conversations on text are futile and extremely short. My heart jumps at an ‘lol’ or a subtle smiley. I have so much to tell her and I want to listen to everything she has to say. But I have to play it cool and not get ahead of myself..

Cut to 8 weeks after chance encounter- we’ve met many times now, and I’ve still not settled down. I’m extra excited in life. I’ll drop almost anything if she wants to meet. I’ll go out of my way to get her little things that might make her happy. I make mental notes of everything she likes, just so that I can lift her spirits up if she ever needs me to. And in all this internal excitement, I’m still trying to play it cool. It’s so difficult to be nonchalant when you’re so smitten. I start to notice so many things about her that makes her even more endearing- she has such a kind heart- she does these little subtle things that are so easy to miss; she’s fiercely independent; every time she laughs her eyes get small and twinkly in the most adorable way; she zones in and out of conversations; she squints at her phone screen every time she has a chance and gets lost in it; she says she’s full but she’ll keep nibbling on food when it’s in front of her (how I wish I could tell her I smile a little every time she does that?); she’s generally soft-spoken until she starts talking about music or her dog; and she has such a lovely voice. At most times I’m lost in the sound of her voice. How I wish she would talk some more. (The one time she was strumming the guitar and humming along, I had to try so hard not to get moon- eyed)

I tell her how I feel one fine day, not entirely, but I bring it up. I ask her out. She doesn’t say no but she never brings it up again. The daily wait, hoping for an answer is slightly maddening, but I manage to keep it cool. No answer is much better than no as an answer. So we both brush it aside and never mention it again.

Cut to the ‘will we ever be more than friends?’ phase-She’s made a lot of things possible for me. My first Dirty Talk, my first Gulaabi Mela, my first pride walk; nothing would be the same and maybe not even possible without her. I’ve got to know people, like me for the first time in my life. It’s because of her that I am finally in a place where I can truly fit in. And for that, I am eternally thankful to this mystery girl. Whether she feels the same way about me or not, I cannot say. I hope to fill this up in the affirmative which I’m not sure of right now. So I’ll sign off for now and come back another day.