Navigating Through The 3Some Conversations

My 3some conversations with my partners over last ten years have told me so much about me. I am not what they call a seasoned 3somer yet. However, the conversations with different partners have been nothing less than enlightening so far. They displayed to me a range of emotions. They showed me not just the insecurities of some of my partners but also those of myself for that matter.

I remember the first 3some conversation I had was in 2007. One of my long-distance partners was coming to Delhi to meet me and asked me if I would be interested in an MFF situation. I remember I told him that I had no problem with the concept. However, I also asked him if we could then also consider experimenting with an MMF situation. To which he refused even before I could complete my sentence.

His justification was that he thought another guy would want to poach me. I asked him if he trusted me, because if he did, then no matter whoever came ‘with’ us, they certainly can’t come ‘between’ us. Finally, we didn’t try anything and eventually also broke up since the distance was really making things tough for us. However, the conversation stayed with me.

My second conversation about a threesome was with an older couple who I had met online. Since I was a guest, it was easier to ask them questions around how they reached the conclusion of wanting a third person in their bedroom. Since they were almost 20 years older than me, it was also easier for me to accept them as seasoned, wise people. In fact, they also gave me tips on how to broach the subject with my partner/s. With this couple, my experience was amazing. I guess, it’s always the best when you are the guest.

My third conversation was one where my then boy friend brought the subject up and I was not comfortable. I think somewhere my own insecurities around my body type were getting in between us. I had put on a lot of weight and was no longer confident about my body. I didn’t want us to be with a woman when I knew that I would be constantly comparing my not so perfect body with hers. The more my partner wanted to convince me that I would always come first for me, the more I thought he was saying this only to convince me because he wanted his fun. In retrospect, I realize how toxic I must have been then.

My most life changing 3some conversations happened with a married man that I was dating on the side. His wife became a friend over years, and they never wanted me to be a part of their bedroom fun. The thing is they didn’t want it either because we all value our friendship beyond anything else. However, on a conceptual level, we had a lot of mind boggling conversations around 3somes.

We discussed why people feel insecure or jealous. Also, how people can feel confused about their sexual identity. Are the two of us being pervs? Does being in a 3some mean I am being a slut? Does it mean I’m bisexual? Does it mean I’m immoral? Does it mean I don’t love my partner enough? Does it mean I my partner doesn’t love me enough? What if he gives her more pleasure and then she likes her better? What if he lasts longer than me? She is more beautiful; what if he decides to leave me? Will I always have to listen to how he enjoyed that time when us and someone was together? Will I become the unicorn hunter now?

However, what I also discovered was that unless you wanted to be the guest, threesomes weren’t something to rush into. If discussed well, slowly and gradually, they could be so much fun! I discovered that it was important to set boundaries. It was important to know the third person if you wanted to do repeats. Otherwise not doing repeats is always easier. Similarly, it may be a good idea to keep friends and acquaintances out of the dynamic. After any 3some date it’s important to spend a lot of together-time, at least while you’re still new to it, just in case.

Equipped with all this knowledge I thought my 3some conversations would become easier now. I was right. They certainly did become more structured, organized. Now, I am able to occasionally dabble in a friendly, interesting 3some. Of course, I have an additional layer to our dynamics, that of kink and it was more difficult to work around it. However, things seem to be finally at a pace that my current partner and I both seem to handle well.

Have you had 3some fantasies, conversations or experiences yet? Does The idea intrigue you and you’re considering how to broach the subject with your partner? Tell us more, we would love to hear from you.

Till the next time,

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Asmi Uniqus is an active BDSM practitioner, lifestyle coach based in India, a writer and a vocal, empowering person, who experiments actively with BDSM, feminism, LGBT, sexuality and erotica. She is very active in several real-world BDSM communities and has close connections with a wide spectrum of other practitioners both in India and globally. She has authored a series of guides to various aspects of BDSM, available on kindle. She can be reached on Facebook or via email at:

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