I am sorry mother
That I couldn’t be the son you wanted
The type that gives you grandchildren
The type that makes you smile.
I try to see through your glasses at times
But to me it’s painted black
For when I look at myself with it
All I see is darkness. A void.
Maybe invisibility is a blessing
You had such a good time with your ‘son’
Till she wasn’t your son anymore
She was now void.
I sit in my room every day now
Waiting for your call
To hear an “i love you” from you
With ‘you’ being all of me.
Because my queerness is a part of me
And rejecting it, is rejecting me.
Isn’t a bloody Mary just as tomato as it is alcohol?
Isn’t carbon in coal and diamond just the same?
I wear a mask every time I come home, mother
Like an elf in a kingdom of orcs
Trying so hard to be ‘one of us’
I am sorry but there is a divide in this ‘us’ between us.
For me ‘us’ means every last person on this planet
Be it queer or cis-heterosexual.
And till our ‘us’-es coincide,
Tell me how can I remove my mask?
Love makes us do horrible things.
Like harming yourself for the ones you love
And I did that
I sacrificed my existence at your altar
Giving up my ‘me’ for your happiness.
I am sorry mother, but I am tired of self harm
I am tired of super gluing a fake smile on my face all day
Of being someone else
Of being scared.
So I proclaim my shackles broken.
I refuse to serve as a slave of a system designed to hurt me
I , now, will seek my own truths.
And reclaim this kingdom that should have been mine all along.