In the realm of human sexuality, discussions often center orgasm as the ultimate goal. Yet, nestled within this pursuit lies a broader and often overlooked aspect: pleasure. By opening up conversations about pleasure, we can dismantle societal taboos, empower individuals to explore their desires fully, and foster healthier, fulfilling sexual experiences for everyone involved. Since childhood, many of us have been steeped in a culture that portrays sex as taboo or inherently sinful, overshadowing the pleasure that can be found in the sexual journey itself. From hushed conversations to abstinence-only education, the message often conveyed is one of caution, shame, or fear regarding sexual exploration. The exploration does not merely involve achieving a specific state of inexplicable rapture, but considers the process as an important aspect of emotional connect.
When the goal for sexual intimacy in a relationship is mutual pleasure—however that may be—it allows for sustained emotional intimacy, mutual respect, and ongoing communication that aims to nurture and fulfill one another’s desires and needs. Over the course of our lives, there are many environmental and biological factors that can impact sexual function. When orgasm becomes the sole focus, it detracts from the richness and diversity of pleasurable experiences within sexual encounters through the course of the relationship, limiting the emotional connection. Some examples that can be considered are sensual touch, erotic exploration, sensory stimulation, fantasy, roleplay, mutual pleasure, mindful companionship, massages, solo exploration, and open communication.
Another relational skill, based on my experience, that can be honed to help increase pleasure is non-demand pleasure. Non-demand pleasure is setting time aside for you and your partner to really enjoy touching and feeling one another without the expectation of sex or orgasm. Some acts that can help strengthen the bond can include spending 10-15 minutes engaged in embracing one another or simply gazing at each other. Also, verbally expressing appreciation for the touches one enjoys and expressing preferences, while also acknowledging any touches that may not be as enjoyable. By talking about the experience, you get to help educate your partner on what feels pleasurable to you and what does not.
One contributor to experiencing pleasure is feeling comfortable in your own body. Many people have had uncomfortable experiences with regards to their body, such as due to body shaming, which can impact their ability to relax and enjoy the pleasure that they are receiving. To increase comfort in a sexual partnership is to have vulnerable, but safe conversations and reassure one another about their beauty, desirability, and significance. Partners can foster this in their relationship by creating a non-judgmental, but curious space for sharing, expressing genuine interest in one another’s desires, giving thoughtful compliments to boost confidence, practicing active listening by asking reflective questions, and normalizing discussions about sex and pleasure as a healthy part of the relationship. Some of the signs of open communication in include expressing desires and boundaries without fear of judgment, actively seeking and providing feedback, and collaboratively exploring new experiences based on mutual consent and comfort.
Hold hands, place your hand on the other’s shoulder or arm, and focus on positive sensual experiences together, and soon the sexual is sure to follow. Reminisce and remind yourselves why you find the other so attractive, sexual, or erotic. However, it’s also important to acknowledge that negative experiences can occur, and attraction may wane over time for various reasons. In such cases, open and honest communication is essential. Ultimately, the goal is to prioritize mutual respect, understanding, and a shared commitment to nurturing a fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection.
Most people, in my personal experience do seem to be doing a great job at showing affection and having intercourse, but often miss out on all the other fun touching that can occur. Physical touch here goes is more of an emotional connection. Affection includes touches like hugging and hand holding. Sensual touch includes aftercare practices, cuddling, massages, and softly rubbing on one’s forearm or leg. Engaging in all forms of touch depending upon the preference of partners on a level that feels comfortable for everybody involved, can help to take some of the focus off of ‘the act of sex’ aiming at orgasm alone and can increase pleasure within the overall experience. To sum up, the best sex often includes feeling comfortable in your own skin, enjoying pleasurable touch from yourself or your partner, and understanding how different types of touch impact one another.
