Questioning Myself

[Guest Author: Silvara]

A post inspired by another’s in a time when everyone was questioning themselves…

So….Dumbledore is gay.

Ok, before you decided to switch off your computer for reading yet another revelation about this fiasco, let me just say, I’ve always been a late one to join the bandwagon. And this time – I don’t actually have much of a stance anyways. Dumbledore is gay – NO! Moments later…really?? Then – ok, moving on.

It’s been a hot topic as such in the blogosphere and there have been some really interesting, really heartfelt pieces about what exactly it all means. Both celebrating and disapproving about J.K’s announcement. Personally, I have no problem with good old Dumbledore being gay, because to me he wasn’t a person with much of a sexuality anyway lol. He was just the wise, eccentric, old fuddy-duddy headmaster that could be kinda scary at times and for whom I cried for when he died. I never picked up any of the gay innuendoes in the book. That could either mean I really am totally clueless when it comes to these things, or it just wasn’t there. I guess it didn’t have so much of an impact on me as an adult reader of the books but I can understand why some parents would object. Kids honestly don’t need to get involved in the politics of sexuality during their childhood, but it depends on how a child has been exposed to the issues in the first place. It’s a decision their parents would make, but for me – it makes no difference to the story.

Anyways, this isn’t what I wanted to write about.

After this all came out (haha…ok, bad joke), Broom’s follow-up post on the label of sexuality really got to me. I agreed with her 100%, but something inside me was bothered by it. It had nothing to do with her, but it was the feelings and the memories her post reminded me of.

I am in love with Evs. Who is a man. We will be getting married in, err…OMG – 2 and half weeks!! (mild freak out). I plan to spend the rest of my life with him. I WANT to spend the rest of my life with him.

Yet…I believe I am attracted to women.

Jeez, I had no idea how bloody hard that was to type. It’s almost like saying it aloud, and really, I haven’t let this thought cross my mind…in…over 7 years.

I would have no clue what I would call myself. Perhaps confused is the best term. I don’t believe I need to stick a label on me – even the one of ‘bisexual’ because I am not so sure I am. Or maybe I am and I’m in denial. Bloody hell.

I’ve…had my moments. Growing up as a kid, I played “Mother and Fathers” and nobody thought it was strange then when a friend and I would go off to “make babies”. Hahahaha. That was Ruth.

And there was Emma. She was the girl down the street and Mani and I loved going to her house as she would always give us icy-poles in summer. But one summer, we discovered each other…and my sister discovered us, told my parents and I wasn’t allowed back there again. A few years later I saw her at the train station platform and our eyes met. There was a jolt of recognition, but we both turned away, leaving it in the past.

It was the first time I wondered, “What if – ?”

I recall crushes on some of the older girls at school with the same vivacity as those on the Melbourne Grammar boy I lusted after for four years. Yet, I never acted upon them with the same enthusiasm as I did with the boys. These crushes were harboured secretly in my heart, with a degree of fear of being considered strange. My high school was an all-girls one and it wasn’t uncommon to see girls getting it on in various corridors, classrooms and even at assemblies behind unsuspecting teachers’ backs. It’s widely joked that my high school, turns out the most lesbians/bisexuals than any other girl’s school in Melbourne.

I remember telling my friends about a dream I once had, where the details are unclear but I had to “pretend” to be a lesbian with one of my close friends in order for the person who had taken as hostage to set us free. They all laughed and teased me and her about it, and every time they bring it up even now, I turn the joke on me to hide my embarrassment. Yet, I don’t think they have any clue, how real that dream was to me. How much I actually had wanted it at that time. In real life, I had no feelings for the friend in question, but actually had a bit of a crush on my other close friend. One with whom I would constantly notice how the light shone in her hair, or the way she bit her lip when thinking hard or how soft the tips of her fingers were. I spoke to that friend once and once only, and hesitantly asked her about the strange way I was feeling.

“What if – ?”

She had no idea that it was about her, and just hugged me and told me she loved me no matter who I felt for. I knew then she would never feel the same way and I buried those thoughts.

Even with blogging!! I have so many crushes on all these witty, funny, terrific women bloggers out there that I find myself doing little things that would be considered so silly. I revel in each comment I get from them and imagine us being the very best of friends lol 😀

Evs knows…a little bit. He knows that I have kissed a girl in the past. One girl. He doesn’t know there have been a few. But he thinks it was just a childhood thing. But he won’t forget it.

You see, the only time I cheated on Evs…was with a girl.

It was nothing really. A stupid dare. I did it for charity. Last year at my uni society’s Bowling night, there was an announcement that someone would be willing to donate $200 to the charity we were raising money for – if two girls would kiss. The president, R to be precise, said he would double it. I jokingly said to me friends I’d do it (secretly half-serious because there was a hot chick there and I had had my eye on her all night), but they took me seriously and I pushed into the middle of the circle. Where I threw caution to the wind and just did it. It lasted 10 seconds.

So it wasn’t much. But, he was just as upset as if I HAD cheated on him. In some way, I have the feeling he may have picked up on the discreet vibes I gave out and was threatened. To him – the person’s gender didn’t matter. It was the fact I had kissed someone besides him. I swore it wouldn’t happen again.

But it happened. And it again opened up that pandora’s box of these strange feelings.

I don’t doubt that I am attracted to men. I don’t even actually want to sleep with a woman. I can’t imagine what it would be like and whether it could beat what Evs and I have. Maybe it’s because I have never, uh, been with a woman as such, but I couldn’t…and wouldn’t do it to him. Not now. But I regret not doing it before.

I did the same mental test that Broom did and found the answer was the same. I can’t imagine the place that Evs has in my life being filled by anyone – male or female. I love him with all my heart. I know that he is the person I am meant to be with. So whatever these feelings are, will perhaps just remain that.

So I still have no clue what I am. I don’t even know whether this attraction is an actual attraction, or perhaps even just my own inferiority complex about not having close girlfriends. Whether I am trying to find a best friend in my attraction. Or going even deeper, whether I am looking for a mother-figure to fill that void in my life. I don’t know.

But, despite all of that, I still might be able to call myself, instead of confused…curious.

About a year on from that post, I am no closer to finding out what direction I lean towards. Living happily bound by the ‘normality’ of a heterosexual relationship for the last year, I haven’t had much time to think about the dormant intricacies of my own teetering balancing act.

However, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that part of me. Those brief moments in my life where I felt a different kind of love yet so familiar in its feelings and reactions will always be at the back of my mind when my heart skips a beat…for a woman.

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