“Know your own happiness. You want nothing but patience- or give it a more fascinating name, call it hope” – Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen
I sometimes find myself pondering if intimacy has gone out of the window. To let one be, the way they want to be. How vulnerable can we be with friends, lovers, family or the world in general? I constantly wonder how one can become intimate with oneself to be the same with others. The self-love that we talk about. Is it a continuous will or a pressure or some blocks? Many questions are still unanswered, but I will keep looking for them. It has been 25 years since I have been getting young and am still discovering what my senses say and my sensuality addresses.
I have realized that I have severe daddy issues. I like people who are unavailable, toxic, abusive and cis-men or men who are more dramatic than the stereotypical queers. To break this pattern, that is what it is!
How many of us know about our senses? The intuitions, the instincts and expressions? According to the Oxford Dictionary, sense (noun) means a sensory organ in the body that includes the faculties of sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. And, sensuality (noun) means – the seeking or enjoyment of physical pleasure, especially sexual pleasure. These are words of subjection. What about being sensual emotionally or mentally? I have been deconstructing the meaning for myself to feel and seek what I feel. Also, like all incidents, this one made me question things even more.
Just before the winter ended in Guwahati before February, I went out with a person. Chats with them were intoxicating. It was as if my nerves were crying out to marry them. I could not express it though, as we all get a little comfortable about seeking comfort. I was there too. The morning meeting went on till midnight and later. We texted regularly, their texts also pulled me towards them more. Soon after the first few meetings, another event altered my thinking. It was April, before my birthday and after theirs. We went to a bar and that night seemed magically sensual itself. As if something was conspiring against us. We were seated on the roof top when the speed of the wind rose suddenly. My teal shirt hung loosely on me and started dancing with the wind. I was trying to calm it down because now it was not only the strong wind, but my emotions were running high too. I told them that it was gonna rain. The bar was out of time and we planned on sticking together for a little longer. They got their car out and we went for a drive. It felt like December in April all of sudden. The rain and the temperature fell so bad that the glass of the car got steamed and nothing could be seen. We decided to stop. The road was lit with white lights, while the rain crossed the beam of artificial rays and the tall trees covered some area of the road. The road looked relatively empty, of course, since it was 3 AM. The car started freezing up on the inside and suddenly the song Gravity by Sara Barellis came on. That track is super close to my heart since the time I regularly began watching ‘The Vampire Diaries’, where Stefan kisses Elena for the first time.
The person saw me rubbing my hands and calming myself because the AC chilled the car and we could not roll down the windows because of the incessant rain. They suddenly turned the heater on. The fog in the glass started fading, the temperature inside became warmer and the song reached its chorus when I asked if they would like to kiss me. That kiss triggered certain senses which made me want it more. We stopped until they kissed again. My head was pressed on the left glass near the driving seat while their lips were pressed on mine. They were on top of me, the rain, the song and those finger prints of mine in the glass of the car. Sounds filmy and yes, I realized I like it that way. We did not go much further, as now the rain was starting to slow down and we headed home. They dropped me off. However, the after-care was missing. Like the care, to talk about it – no such thing happened.
Ever since then, it has been replaying in my head. Those touches, those wet lips caressing my lips that reflected in the soul. My lips wanted more, I needed more. The kiss ignited all the cells in my blood. As I realized, I thrive on skin-to-skin touch. By my friends or my mother or my pets, but I don’t know how to break the blocks while communicating to lovers. I could never ask what I needed, like those touches and not penetration but kisses and cuddles. I thrive on that.
My mind restlessly needed attention since that cupid encounter. Each night as I scrolled through my phone lying in my bed, wearing my usual satin nightwear, I would tease myself and caress my neck. I realized that I was having flashes of that entire episode. My head was tilted back as I started changing the color of the lights in my room. All those images started flooding my head, one after the other. Insinuating my thoughts, driving me crazy. My satin pants slip on my thigh always as if it cannot hold the skin longer. My shirt started clutching my curves and my chest as the fold revealed some skin. Keeping it bare, exposed to the sensuous vibe I was releasing. I held a hand against my heart feeling the beats fastening. My breath became heavier and my own breath started turning me on! Damn! I pulled the bedsheet with both my hands as If I wanted to cry in untold pleasure.
The heat of the body could be felt in the room. I turned my face to the right as I bit my own skin to feel the urge surpassing my limits. I drive myself crazy with my feelings. I craved that kiss where I felt wanted. Where I felt needed. It took me months to convince the person to start being intimate with each other. Their kiss still feels different.
I realized how my past experiences shaped me to become so under-confident but this lifts me. For years, people have been shamed for being sensual with their senses. That ‘umm’ while having a meal could be sensual too for some. It is just perspective. But years after years, there were blocks that stopped us from accessing intimacy, be it our own self doubts on inflicted ones. We do hesitate to tell things openly and want the other person to understand. At times one has to take a step forward or back, depending on other factors! But sensuality is a boon that one cannot be ashamed of. They told me once, “Prasant, you are very convincing.” I am, I have become that recently. I wanted to make them feel wanted too, so I explained time and again why I need it in a certain way to feel in a certain way. I realize pleasure, intimacy, senses and sensuality are all interlinked with 1000 other emotions. Where do we run from those nymphs which are inside us? Wanting attention, wanting care and above all – love.
