I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a boy and you’re married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess he gave you things I didn’t give to you.

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Sounds familiar? Yes, it obviously will. We’ve all been there, done that.

Who hasn’t listened to Adele on a loop while suffering from rejection from an ex- boyfriend/ the monthly crush/ or that one random one night stand who-was-too-good-to-be-true? As a fellow gay boy, I’ve gone through enough heartbreaks, and heartaches to write a double edition book, and I am sure at least ninety percent of you have been there, and done that. What do I do?

I mope, I weep, and then I move on.

I may be heartless, and cynical, but you shouldn’t be. But what does one do? How do you find out whether the flavour of the month wants to be the flavour of the year? Want to know whether it’s time to give your heart a break? Can he be the one guy who restores your faith in gay relationships?

Well, never fear. If you are unsure where the affections of the object of your affection lie, here are a couple of tried and tested techniques to figure out if he’s in, or he should be just chucked into the bin:

• The three day rule does not exist. If in case, he doesn’t reply to your messages/ calls within the hour, he’s not interested. Unless of course, he’s in life-threatening danger. (Very less chance of that being the case, but the true optimist can only ever hope.)
• A relationship that thrives only on Whatsapp is not exactly the best of situations. If there’s hesitation to get to the next level, it’s either one of these two situations: he looks like a troll in reality, or, he’s probably Whatsapp-flirting with someone else (I know, I have!).
  To very bad consequences.
• If the only thing he does when he talks to you is mope about an ex, there’s only one smart thing to be done. Run away. As fast as your pretty gym-toned legs carry you. There’s nothing worse than a boy still hung up on his ex; unless he talks about all the casual sex he’s been having or you are the ex in question.
• You go on a great couple of dates (or just hanging out as he prefers to call it), things are going wonderfully, you feel the chemistry and you click on so many different levels, and then before you know it… you never hear from him again. (Epic Fail.) Ding dong, its dead. Yes. He’s not into commitments, and neither should you be into him. Man’s probably onto someone else already, and will keep on doing so till he’s a husk of his former self. So many fish in the pond, why waste time on him. (Note: the above point didn’t come out of any personal contempt or experience, and is purely hypothetical. Er, you believe me, don’t you?)
• If he encourages you to date other people, its time you actually heed his advice. Scoot! Fly! Scamper!
• IF you don’t even know his last name or what he does, you shouldn’t even be reading this. Shame on you.

If you shook your head with disdain at more than one of the above mentioned made-up rules, there’s only one thing left to be said:

Boy, he’s just not that into you.

Move on, and move away. There’s someone right around the corner, you just have to wait.

(Note: The corner, in this case is figurative, not literal. I wouldn’t advise creeping about your neighbourhood block. It’s usually frowned upon. How do I know? I tried.)

Sigh. Now if only I had written this last year. Tch tch.

I dated treader X for all of two months last year- he was everything I could ever want- cute, charming, smart, witty and one of those sales managers in a reputed fashion house. Sadly, he was also a treader. I let him walk all over me, until he found a new “Welcome” mat down the line. I was crushed, and felt stomped upon.  Life lesson learnt the hard way.

But it got me thinking; was it only X’s fault? Wasn’t I equally to blame? Didn’t he do all the treading only because I let him? They say the power of any relationship is in the hands of the person who cares less (‘they’ being a B-grade sappy rom-com), and they might be right.

Boys, it’s time to get your socks up. Maybe it’s time we change the gay perspective. We have these balls; we might as well use them. Say no to Treading. Say No to a life full of misery. And most importantly, say No to being whimpering and sad.

It’s time to step up, instead of being stepped down.

So what do you do the next time a boy makes you feel like a door mat or a door knob?

Just one thing to do; show him to the door.

And fast.