There’s never a third wheel in a ménage a trois! Or is there?
Three’s a crowd! Or is it just enough?
With threesomes being one of the more popular sexual activities that people actively “experiment” with, the curiosity about it is large. The threesome is popular among desi folks, of all orientations. But with basic sex education being largely inaccessible, there arises the need to be informed even when exploring boundaries.
I. Why Have A Threeway?
Threesomes seem to be in an awkward position in desi culture. There are those who embrace being open minded about all things sex, and yet those who would shun anything out of the ‘ordinary’. In such situation of moral dilemma about the ‘rightness’ of certain sexual acts, it becomes important to realise the motivations behind one’s own fantasies and desires of engaging in a threesome.
The following reasons could probably help you figure out better, your motivations for engaging in a threesome and if they seem to be heading in a positive and healthy direction.
Threeway-Yay!- When you should totally consider a threesome
When Communication is Comfortable Communication is sex is always crucial. From opening up to a partner about a threesome fantasy, to establishing expectations and boundaries, ensuring a consensual arrangement, to finding out what turns on each person, communication is key to a great threeway. Furthermore, communication apart from initiating a threesome, can also help make a decent exit, with a debriefing where the participants can discuss the experience and share feedback.
When You Know How to Engage There can definitely be a third-wheel in a threesome – if it’s not done well. One partner could even lay back and watch the other two partners pleasure each other. As long as each participant is engaged in some manner within the arrangement (and there are plenty of arrangements), no one has to be left out.
When You Feel Like Giving Some partners may find themselves engaging because their significant other has a threesome fantasy, despite themselves not being very into the idea. Such an example of sexual altruism, might enhance the relationship and reflect a genuine understanding of individual differences within a relationship.
When You’re Looking for Something New Feeling bicurious? Wondering if monogamy isn’t all that? A stubborn fantasy of a partner with another? Threesomes provide an opportunity to explore. As long as communication is clear and everyone is comfortable, a threesome can be a safe and fun way to create new experiences.
Threeway-Nay? – When you should think about having a threesome a little more.
Using Sex as a Bargaining Chip Among some partners, there is a notion that agreeing to a fantasy that one doesn’t necessarily share, may help “gain some leverage in the relationship”. As a consequence, when problems arise among the partners, one may constantly bring up the threesome as a reminder of how they went beyond their comfort for the other. This tactic would only serve to cement more problems in the relationship and affect sex in a negative manner.
Using Sex as a “Fix” A threesome is probably not the best way to resolve existing relationship problems. According to Ortmann, a psychotherapist and sex therapist, partners often turn to threesomes “to put a Band-Aid on their intimacy issues”. This becomes problematic because once the third leaves, the intimacy issues would surface again. Some couples also use having a threesome as a way to “settle debts”. This can be a rough road to go down and might require some heavy communication and contingency planning.
Using Persons as Objects Acknowledging each participant in a sexual activity as a person, helps develop a stronger connection emotionally and physically. Sometimes, in the quest of “remaining emotionally involved”, especially when couples are experimenting with a third, the approach to the third can become fetishized, translating into selfish behaviours during sex, and affecting the manner in which boundaries are established and consent is sought.
This situation is observed particularly in the phenomenon of “unicorn hunting”, wherein a heterosexual couple look for a bisexual woman who is ready to be sexually and romantically exclusive to the couple, but must also manage to not “come between” the couple. This arrangement is generally frowned upon by the queer and poly communities because of “the hypersexualization of queer women, using queer women as male wish-fulfillment, and adherence to patriarchal stereotypes via the one-man-two-women cliché”. However, as long as all partners are consenting and respectful of each other, and not resorting to behaviours that propagate such stereotypes, such an arrangement may not be problematic either.
II. Finding The Fit – Where to Look for A Threeway
Finding the right fit whether it’s a couple or a throuple, completely depends on the individuals involved. In respecting each person as an individual, it is also important to understand what each person brings to the table, and how that complements the trio. There are a range of sources one can approach when looking for a threesome:
Let’s Go Digital Dating apps like Tinder, 3ndr, Throuple provide a quick and accessible way to finding prospects for a threesome. A few things to be mindful about when looking on dating apps:
– Mentioning that one is looking for a threesome and the type of prospects in the bio can help quicken the search.
– As one would when looking for any matches, it is important to “sell yourself” when searching for threesome prospects online. An interesting profile can go a long way. Highlighting interests may help identify possible conversation starters!
– When looking for a third as a couple, pictures of both the partners should be included. Furthermore, it can also be gender positive and more engaging to include the search for a third on both profiles.
– It is important to remember that whatever consent has been obtained online, should be reconfirmed when meeting the prospects as well.
Let’s Ask Our Wingperson Although some might want to engage in sexual experiments in anonymity, sometimes a reference from a trusted source can be a reassuring suggestion. Even better, they probably know if the prospect has had similar experiences, which can help calm hesitations about suggesting the idea. It is important to note however that consent cannot be obtained through a secondary source. Always ensure that consent is obtained from those involved directly.
Let’s Look Back Thinking of suitable prospects based on past hookups or history is a common response when trying for a threesome. Having someone with shared past experiences, can help ease the nervousness of being a threesome newbie! It also helps that preferences and fantasies might already be known and discussed during previous encounters, along with a shared comfort in physical intimacy.
Let’s Look in A Bar! Looking for threesome prospects in a bar can be a casual way to try your luck, after all even if you don’t find yourself having a three way by midnight, you could always find yourself having “regular sex” 😉 You could even stay back and dance with your buddies, there’s no pressure! However, if you do find potential partners, try evaluating if you’re doing it just out of intoxication. Even then, try ensuring it’s not to a level where you could put yourself in a harmful situation. Try your best to ensure that your experience is consensual and safe. If you feel comfortable telling anyone you came to the party with, about who you’re heading home with and their address, this information might help, if you find yourself in a tricky situation.
Once you’ve found a few prospects, these can be some important questions to ponder over, according to Sarah Benincasa at Jezebel (A Supposedly Feminist Website), to figure out whether your matches make the threesome cut: – Do you like both these people? – Do you trust both these people? – Do you feel ready and willing to laugh at yourself and to laugh with them during awkward moments? – Can you all keep a secret?
III. Playing Safe in A Threeway Even when experimenting, certain ground rules can ensure that everyone has a safe experience.
Consent is a Conversation
Ensure everyone is pro-consent:
There must be a clear understanding of how consent is to be obtained, and how one may express discomfort, through direct statements or safe words. Discussing sexual interests before initiating sex can help provide some insight into preferences. These could be questions like:
Whether one is comfortable using sex toys? – What part of the body do they like receiving attention? – What kind of setting they would be comfortable having a threesome in? Knowing these preferences may help navigate concerns about consent better.
Maintaining Consent:
Consent should be obtained in person, from all three individuals and during different points in the experience, when initiating something different. For example, in a situation where a couple is engaged in a threesome with a third person, the third may not be interested in penetrative sex, or perhaps one of the partners may not find it comfortable to watch the other engaged in penetrative sex with the third. To relieve everyone from the ambiguity of such a situation, and to ensure a safe and positive experience, it is essential that consent be obtained at multiple points throughout the experience.
If You’re a Couple:
Ensure that both of you are interested, without one having to resort to guilt or coerce to obtain consent from the other.
Ensure that the third person involved is as enthusiastic and willing to consent. A threesome can be a spontaneous experience, but consent can be maintained all the same, as long as all persons involved are conscious.
Get Talking, Get Tested Getting tested is part of practicing safe sex. Knowing test results is not only beneficial for individual sexual health, but can also help relieve tensions about contracting STDs, the probability of which is likely to increase with multiple partners. If partners haven’t been tested yet, there can be a mutual agreement made to ensure that you do so, prior to a threesome.
Nothing Like A Morning Without Regrets Unless you want to get pregnant having a threesome, there isn’t really any reason to throw the contraceptives out the window! Discuss what contraceptives you normally use and ensure these are used when having sex. With condoms, remember to stock up on a lot, and to use new ones, when switching between the form of penetration and partners!
IV. Having A Threeway
When you get the opportunity to engage with multiple partners, you might feel like a kid in a candy store. So many options, but how to go about it? It doesn’t help that most of the information that appears online turns out to be heteronormative, with guides exclusive to MMF and FFM varieties of the threesome. Here are some fluid threesome ideas you can incorporate, no matter your gender or sexual orientation.
The Give and Take A perfect option to familiarise partners with what each one likes, by watching and aiding in some mutual touching.
The Peeping Tom A newbie-friendly technique, where one can explore voyeurism, by watching their partner with a third, or by watching a couple. Alternatively, a partner can take centre stage, performing a strip tease or by playing with themselves.
The Sex Sandwich A great position to experiment with, providing multiple variations in terms of partner arrangements, forms of penetration, as well as for incorporating sex toys like strap-ons.
The Circle A feast of oral pleasure, the circle can work as an appetizer for other forms of penetration, as a quick breather in between, or even as the main event, when it’s preferred.
69 + 1 A variation of the 69 with penetration in the mix, allowing for partners to switch from one to the other. Also a suitable option if a couple wants to experiment with a third, minus the penetration.
The Tag Team Another versatile option, where each partner can alternate between positions of giver, receiver and both giver and receiver.
The Eyes Wide Shut An exciting opportunity to explore one’s senses, as well as enjoy being the centre of attention, with two partners stimulating a common receiver, who is blindfolded.
V. After A Threeway – Now What?
Aftercare after a threesome although ambiguous, can be a great way to increase intimacy. Discussing what the post threesome scenario is going to be beforehand, can help figure how much time a partner would like to spend after the threesome and what they would like to do. Again, personal preferences can vary but good communication can help prevent awkward moments.
Bathroom Check – Always The regular hygiene rituals post sex should be maintained post threesome as well. These generally include:
– Peeing after sex, for people with vaginas, to prevent risks of infections like utinary tract
infections (UTI). – Checking condoms for any mishaps. – Sex can be messy! This could warrant a shower or some quick cleaning.
Feeling Cute? Cuddle! Wanting to cuddle after sex is a common desire and may resonate after a threesome as well. Cuddling can be a great way to relax and reflect on the shared experience, enhancing the comfort level between the partners. A reassuring non-verbal gesture, cuddling can also provide for a peaceful pause post threesome.
Debriefing – Making an Exit Having a conversation about the threesome can be quite insightful, helping provide details about what went well, having a laugh at what went not so well, and can help figure out if partners are looking forward to more threesomes in the future. It can also be a comfortable way to end the conversation, and call it a day.
VI. Woe is Me – Managing Emotions in a Three way
A major reason one may hesitate from engaging in a threeway despite wanting to, are the emotional responses that come with it – feeling ashamed to accept one’s desires, or to reveal to another, jealousy about watching a partner with a third, or even insecurities related to being the most desirable. These responses are often rooted in causes other than the threesome itself and this can be a reassuring perspective when looking to approach such an experience.
A few other suggestions to help navigate one’s emotions in a threeway are:
For ambiguity: Figure out your motivations for engaging in a threesome – are they positive and healthy?
For confidence: Respect individual preferences, and be kind!
For trust: Provide assurances in terms of paying attention to sexual safety as well as transparency in communication.
For jealousy: Understand it’s natural, but don’t get nasty!
VII. Common Threeway Misconceptions
“I heard she’s pansexual! She must be having threesomes every other day.”
“Oh they’re looking for a threesome? Arrey! What happened? Relationship failing? Partner unable to satisfy?.”
“He’s so adventurous, I’m sure he’ll be ready for a threesome”.
“A threesome can be of two types: MMF and FFM. “
“This is all locker room talk. My wife will file for divorce if I suggest such a thing!”
“You want me to have a threesome with you and another man? Are you gay now?” “Having sex in the presence of another man or woman and even doing sexual things with other men or women can be part of a heterosexual identity.” – Dr. Ryan Scoats, a sociologist and the first person in the world to get their PhD in threesomes.
References
Benincasa, S. (2013) To Threesome or Not to Threesome, That Is the Question. Jezebel. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/amp/s/jezebel.com/to-threesome-or-not-to-threesome-that-is-the-questi on-1469205801/amp Coughlin, S. (2018) The Apps to Download if You Want to Have a Threesome.
Refinery29. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.refinery29.com/amp/en-us/best-threesome-apps Gay Threesomes A Good Idea? 5 Questions for Couples.
Men’s Variety. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/amp/s/mensvariety.com/gay-threesome-good-idea-5-questions-couples/ amp/ Hunt, E. (2020) The Psychology of The Threesome: Everyone Wants One But Who’s Truly Ready For it?
The Guardian. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/11/threesomes-men- women-sex-psychology Harris, W. (2015) How to Have a Threesome—From Start to Finish.
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About Threesomes to Bed. Mic. Retrieved from: https://www.mic.com/articles/110724/9-facts-put-the-biggest-myths-about-threesomes-to-bed Hamilton, J. (2017). 5 Threesome Positions That Will Make You The Centre of Attention.
Cosmopolitan. Retrieved from: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/positions/g8638259/mmf-threesome-sex-positions/ Johnson, S. (2017) 3 Ways to Go About Setting Up a Threesome, From Someone Who’s Had Multiple.
Redbook. Retrieved from: https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex/a48960/ways-to-have-a-threesome/ Lanquist, L. (n.d.) Threesome Sex Positions That Make Ménages-à-Trois All the More Approachable.
Stylecaster. Retrieved from: https://stylecaster.com/threesome-sex-positions/ Murti, A. (2020) Couples Looking for Bisexual Girlfriends — aka Unicorn Hunters — Often Commodify Queer Women.
The Swaddle. Retrieved from: https://theswaddle.com/unicorn-hunting-commodifies-queer-women/ MxNillin. (2018). 5 Queer & Trans Inclusive Sex Acts to Enjoy During a Threesome. MxNillin. Retrieved from: http://mxnillin.com/5-inclusive-threesome-sex-acts/ Thomas, S. (2017) How to Have a Drama-Free Tinder Threesome.
Stylecaster. Retrieved from: https://stylecaster.com/threesome-sex-positions/ Murti, A. (2020) Couples Looking for Bisexual Girlfriends — aka Unicorn Hunters — Often Commodify Queer Women.
The Swaddle. Retrieved from: https://theswaddle.com/unicorn-hunting-commodifies-queer-women/ MxNillin. (2018). 5 Queer & Trans Inclusive Sex Acts to Enjoy During a Threesome. MxNillin. Retrieved from: http://mxnillin.com/5-inclusive-threesome-sex-acts/ Thomas, S. (2017) How to Have a Drama-Free Tinder Threesome.
GQ. Retrieved from: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.gq.com/story/drama-free-tinder-threesome/amp
