The Heart Shaped Darkness And Other Maladies

Our friends at Mumbai Boss have alerted us to a new and fabulous product that will scrub out the unsightly darkness between our legs. To be honest, I don’t understand all this brouhaha over our hooha. It was only a matter of time that the good marketing folks who have offered to lighten our facial skin by several shades, magically force our split ends to be friends again and allow us to have a happy period would run out of product ideas. It is indisputable logic that new products mean new sales and marketing teams which means new jobs and less unemployment and higher GDP and economic growth and world peace and all round happiness. Therefore, if we women must sacrifice our self-esteem and healthy body image at the altar of patriotism, then sacrifice we must. After all, if there was no demand for such products, why would they make them? Again, irrefutable logic states that such products succeed on the back of well-researched consumer trends. Hmm? What’s that? You weren’t part of the focus group you say? Listen, we have 1 billion people in our country and it is inevitable that some of us will always lose in this giant lottery called consumer research. Serves you right for hanging up on every telemarketer, too. But, I digress.

At GaysiFamily, we conducted our own market research and we have found that there are some needs that the survey teams seem to have missed out on. We enumerate a few for your benefit:

"Of course, I can testify this will brighten your skin and improve your quality of life! Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Corrective lightness

Before you say, “Whaa– more fairness creams!!”, imma let you finish but you’re forgetting something. Like the kind people of Clean and Dry who reminded us we have trouble looking at our hoohas in the mirror without cringing crimson with shame, we do you a great service by telling you there are body parts that have suffered the brunt of your negligence and oversight for too long. Far too long. I always thought the light bluish tint on the skin that some people experience is just mild ingrown hair, Clean and Dry dutifully informs us that this can lead to sex deprivation. Who knows how many jobs we have lost on account of our many-hued skin? You can hide behind your CVs and PhDs but your qualifications will only take you so far.

When was the last time you looked at your elbows? Or the back of your knees? Or the crevices under your sagging butt cheeks? Or your underarms? When? I bet, never. Not many will have the good fortune of seeing your lightened vajayjays if you’re a good modest Indian girl from a respectable decent family. But many men will leer at your elbows and underarms as you hold on to that railing in the crowded bus. Unless you’re the burkini kinda girl, you’ll also be flashing the black-as-hell back of your knees in the pool. So what we need is a magical skin lightening cream/lotion/powder/soap/iPhone app which will prevent your body from looking like a shade card in the Fair and Lovely pack. ‘Nuff said.

SaBu-The Indian TiVo and much more

Thanks for not getting me another saucepan, Darls! A SaBu is just what I wanted.

Be as snobbish as you like, you pseudo-intellectual elitist, but good consumer research shows that all women want to see on television are never ending sagas of domestic conflict, reality television, brutal talent competitions and mythological dramas. Even our music channels have succumbed to the esurience of reality television and drama. Music videos are now relegated to the 3-4 minute slots between advertisements, repetitive trailers of Housefull 2 and TV shows that have nothing to do with music. After all, people need their pee breaks. But what has happened is a typical conundrum faced by Indians when confronted by the disparity between a huge all-you-can-eat buffet and the deplorable limitations of the human stomach. Choices, choices, choices. There are now too many TV shows and far too little time. The answer to this problem was solved by TiVo and Hulu in the West (you know, the place where homosexuality comes from). It’s too early for Hulu in India where our internet speeds are so slow that our poor pirates (the brave torrent kinds, not the dastardly bastards with guns) must leave their torrents to download overnight much like our mothers marinate the chickens. Yes, smart asses, I know that Tata Sky Plus exists. What do you take us for? But if Arundathi Roy taught us anything important in her 8000 word ramble, it is this. Trickle-down hasn’t worked and the Tatas must be boycotted. I, therefore, present to you SaBu-our desi version of TiVo.

What does SaBu stand for? Psh, of course Saas-Bahu, dumbos. What’s more, SaBu will offer 4D experience. 3D is for wusses. With SaBu, women will be able to taste the good food on Sanjeev Kapoor’s shows, the slaps from nasty sasumaas, the aashirvaad of benevolent sasurjees and live soft-pornish action courtesy India’s very own 40 year old virgin-Ram Kapoor. All in UUD (Ultra-Uttam-Definition). Men, forever ignored in market research, need not despair. You too can experience the magic of UUD-4D-SaBu. Now sixers will whizz through your open windows and Katrina/Hritik will gently graze your cheeks.

Of course, I am right. I got the iChip and so should you. If you can afford it, that is!


In an age where time is money, our success in social media and party conversations and B-school group discussions relies on the old ‘fastest finger first’ trick. Yes. Let me explain. It no longer matters how articulate or educated or well-mannered you are. I regret to inform you that the season of healthy debate has passed. The only way you can succeed is by being right all the time and before everyone else. There’s no time to be wasted on accumulating abbreviations after our names. No sir. Apart from an unnecessary expenditure, it also appears now that everything we ever need to know about the universe is available on the internet. For free. But this growing wealth of information is also accessible to everyone else with an internet connection. So how can you stay at the top of your game and be right on the interwebz ALL THE TIME? I propose the iChip. An easily implantable chip behind your ear can now index the entire internet in your brain without taking up too much space in your (sadly non-expandable) memory. Available only to those who can afford it, the iChip will be sold at a price-point not much different from the garden variety 2 bedroom villa in Bandra. But the curse of a Shining India is the growing purchasing power of the middle class. However, clever entrepreneurs will no doubt promise annual updates not unlike Apple who have managed to overtake ExxonMobil as the world’s most valuable company despite not inventing a single new damn thing after the iPad.


At some point women will have every bloody thing they ever wanted (or at least everything that can bought with a MasterCard) and the top shoppers will be men. Consumer research companies and marketing teams have been too slow to realise this as they continue to focus on cars, watches, shaving blades, deodorants and dandruff shampoos. However we see a slight, almost imperceptible shift with the advent of fairness creams for men. And at GaysiFamily, we know men have other needs that must be addressed.

The Adjustment Briefs

Shapely legs sold separately

It is a universally accepted problem that men need to adjust their balls from time to time. Menfolk feel very little embarrassment over this as evidenced by the constant tugging at their underpants in public. While there’s nothing to be ashamed of, even men will readily admit, this is an inconvenience they could do without. The need of the hour is a return to good old fashioned bloomers redesigned for men. Yessir, these bloomers are airy and roomy enough to accommodate the giant balls of steel that Indian men like to boast about. After all, it has been well established that future generations of many middle class families rest in these loins and their protection and well being is no joking matter.

A HomoFriendly Beacon

Don't touch me bro!

All straight men have only one problem with homosexuality: Gay men. Lezzies are cool ya. But gay men are troubling. No, they are troubled. Actually, they are troublesome. In fact this entire gamut of emotions can be captured in four words, “Don’t Touch Me, Bro!”. Of course Indian men are too sensitive to put it as such among polite company. What men need is an inconspicuous little beacon which can be cleverly disguised as cufflinks. These will light up red when worn by straight men as a warning sign that they will not enjoy any kind of friendly groping or homo-erotic hugs. When worn by gay men, these will light up green to show they’re available for any kind of dark-alley-type-pawing. Those who don’t wear these are fair game and waive their right to legal redress or whingey tweets when accosted by gay men with the humiliating question, “Dude, what’s the way to the john?” (which is obviously a subtle hint that they want to bang you in the men’s bathroom. duh!)


So there you have it, good men and women. I hope the clever geniuses at Indistan Duolever and other reputable companies will see value in our research and appreciate our efforts to create jobs, increase GDP, alleviate poverty, combat corruption and bring world peace.

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The Cathartist is the Editor at GaysiFamily. She remembers nearly all her dreams to the last detail, would rather skip a movie than watch it after missing the first five minutes, has a rare form of Tourettes leading to inappropriate conversations and is a hopeless jerk magnet. If she ever writes a book, it will be called "La tyrannie d'anciens amoureux".
The Cathartist

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