The Not So Grey Area Of Sexuality And Romanticism

Sexuality is a spectrum. Period. Some believe that on one end of this spectrum we have the allosexuals and on the other end, we have asexuals, some others feel like we are all a bunch of stars in a vast universe and there are no ends of being.

Allosexual people are those who experience sexual attraction and asexual people are those who do not. But like I said before, it is a spectrum/universe that we are talking about here, which means, there is so more to know and understand about how different people experience their own sexuality or for that matter, asexuality.

To begin with, both demi and graysexual people under the umbrella term asexual. To put it plainly, people who identify as demisexual are people who may feel sexual attraction after a strong romantic bond is formed.

Oh but, isn’t that quite ‘normal’ and common? I wouldn’t have sex with someone I have no romantic connection with.

Who said anything about having sex? One of the first things we have to understand is that sexual attraction and sexual desires are two different things. Even though you choose to wait, for say, 10-20 dates before you have some sexual intimacy with your partner, you still probably have been sexually attracted to them since you first saw them or after the first date. You simply choose to act on this after a certain time. The key term here being- choose.

Demisexual people on the other hand only feel that sexual attraction after a strong romantic bond. This may take months or years, this varies from person to person. But despite the lack of sexual attraction, some demisexual people will choose to have sex with their partners to please their partners or to full-fill their own sexual desires as they still have libido. To put it plainly, they still do get horny. Some demisexual people are sex repulsed so they don’t feel the need for a partner to satisfy their sexual needs, and manage it quite well themselves.

If demisexual people were the norm, Baywatch wouldn’t have been so popular.

Graysexual people on the other hand feel sexual attraction very rarely. Some as rare as once or twice in 10-20 years. Again, this varies from person to person.

Come on now! You are just trying to seem special. Even I don’t feel sexually attracted to everyone I see! You are just probably picky.

Do you not find celebrities hot when they take their shirts off or have a scene in a bikini on screen? Don’t you have a list of people you find sexy? Graysexual people don’t have that list and if they do, it is a very short one. You can pick who to have sex with but you can’t pick who to have sexual attraction towards. Just like demisexual people, some graysexual people have sexual desires; some are sex positive, some sex indifferent and some sex repulsed.

When in a relationship with a demi or graysexual person, it is very important to communicate sexual intimacy. This is a valid point for a sexual relationship with a person of any sexuality but is even more mandatory when dating an asexual person.

Alright. But at least you aren’t oppressed like the other LGBTQIA+ people. So, I don’t think you belong in the community, other than as an ally.

Firstly, what’s with the gatekeeping?

Secondly, whether a sexuality has been oppressed or not is not what qualifies it to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Any one who doesn’t identify as both heterosexual and heteroromantic (a.k.a straight) is part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Anyone who isn’t cis-gender is part of the LGBTQIA+ community. That is, even a heteroromantic asexual/demisexual/graysexual person is part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

And as for oppression, you’d be surprised. Just like conversation therapy for homosexual people, there are many people from the asexual spectrum who have been put through corrective r*pe therapy. Due to the lack of awareness about asexuality, this goes unseen and unheard.

In the past many homosexual people maintained a heteronormative relationship to fit in with the world. Many asexual people even today, are trapped in this as we can’t seem to see a romantic relationship as something real or concrete without the act of sex. Many see the existence of a sex life with their romantic partner as a testament to their love. If sex without romance can exist then romance without sex can too.

Please do refer to the Gaysi Guide to Asexuals and Aromantics for further understanding about the Asexual community.

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A storyteller. A Ravenclaw. Bit of a nerd. Bit of a writer. Bit of an artist. Bit of a reader. Bit of a music lover. Bit of a movie and tv series buff. Bit of an anime lover. Very little bit of a gamer. I am basically a whole lot of a dork. Welcome inside my head.
Sruthi P Nambiar

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