The Shame Of Being Raped

Times of April 1998, my exams were about to finish and I was least excited to visit my native place, it has been 2 years since The incident that still makes me uneasy and gives me nightmares too.

But as always parents decide their child’s vacation instead of asking about their preference, it was a must ritual every summer vacation to visit my native house, where all cousins gathered. As I stood at the door of my granny’s house, I was greeted with kisses and hugs. My bag was placed in a room, I was about to share with my Mama (uncle) and his wife.

FB_IMG_1458298489299As I shut the door the darkness engulfed the room as the windows were shut and the curtains were pulled to avoid the scorching heat. I was about to pull my pants down when a hand that was rough and sturdy with a stink of tobacco was placed on my mouth which did not let me yell and when I tried to bite the palm and realized I had lost my front milk teeth and the pressure was too much to even part my lips for a hint of sound. Suddenly my pant was down and my tiny hands trying to pull off the hand that had almost stuffed my mouth. And the voice whispered in my ears, “if you utter a word about this, your mother will hate you, and no one will talk to you ever” which made my tears roll down the cheeks that might have run down on his hand too by now. I felt something like a stick or finger or now when I know its called penis which was forcefully penetrated and I was yelling on top of my voice though it was silenced and stifled. I kept moving my legs and hands which he badly hit with his other hand. I felt like being pulled in the darkness more and more with every push and when he was done, he kissed my lips with a harsh bite that made it swell and look like I had fallen on my face. And said “go clean yourself”. As I went in the washroom which was already lit well, I splashed water on my naked body that had burning sensation more over when I tried to clean my self I fell on the floor and saw blood flowing down my thighs. I then realized and wondered how painful it would be for my mother to hear all this when I was not even able to bear it. And his words seem true and resonated in my ears all the time.

I was gasping and trying to breathe so I could pull my self up and gathered courage to tell my mom what had happened two years ago. Thinking of my Mama’s death a year later due to kidney failure was a relief but he tore my body apart. It was almost like losing one’s soul.

“Khat Khat” was a sound that brought me back to the present making me realize that I haven’t even unzipped my pants and was standing still in the same position for over an hour or more. I opened the door and saw my mother, her mouth was about to blurt questions, when I stopped her and said “I was fast asleep, hence I did not change”.

2016 April here, 20 years and still the truth was untold.

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