The Titanic Test

It is love.

What I have felt for almost seven years now.

Love that I have for a man. Gay love.

Can you label love as straight love/gay love, acceptable love/unacceptable love?

It’s just love…

I’ve loved him since forever…

All these years I’ve tried to suppress it, control it, deny it, divert it, forget it, kill it, bury it in a deep corner of my mind, replace it, change it in any way possible, but this love has endured. Through everything. ‘I’ll love you for a thousand more…’

He is not hot. He is not very intelligent. He is not overly attractive in any way, hell, he’s not even attractive. He doesn’t even have a nice round bubble ass. He is going bald. He is nothing like me.

But I still love him.

I want him.

I need him.

I crave him. I desire him.

I want to be with him.

When I was at his home, meeting his mother, sitting in his room with him seemed like the most natural thing, like something that I’d just do. Something that’s natural and something that fits, you know?

Kind of like Jack and Rose.

What do I do? It doesn’t seem like I’m going to be able to love someone else…

I’ve had my fair share of crushes, mind you.

I’ve lusted after many guys. I’ve even dated one, and I thought I’d fallen in love again with some other guys I had a crush on.

But never like this. Crushes have come and gone, men have come and gone. I’ve even tried having sex, but I never could get to having sex itself. I just couldn’t hold someone and make love to them without thinking of him and desiring that it was him that I was making love to.

Am I ever gonna love someone else like that? Am I ever gonna fall in love again at all?

Or will I find someone who looks like him or has similar personality traits and compromise and live a life where I love my husband, but still not be totally in love with the hubby because I’ll be technically in love with him?

We were so perfect. Even as friends, we had similar values, ethics, goals and wanted the same things from life… We even wanted the same kind of life-partners.

One day, we were talking about the qualities we wanted in our partners. When I told him about what I desired he, said, ‘So you just want a girl with all the qualities that I have.’ At that time, I hadn’t even accepted I’m gay, much less that I was in love with him.

When I reminded him of this conversation much later while telling him I actually wanted him, he denied remembering he ever said that…

I have this thing that I do, whenever I watch Titanic. At the end of the movie, when Rose dies and they show Rose and Jack meeting again in the ship, I focus on what I’m feeling and introspect to see if I’m thinking about him at the time or just an ideal of what kind of relationship I want.

When I began writing this, Titanic was playing on the TV again. When Rose goes into that room with Jack standing at the top of the stairs I wanted it to be him standing there and me rushing to him.

And us, kissing, entwined, forever, and ever…

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Yash is a fresh Psychology graduate with many different quirky ways of laughing and weird mannerisms. He identifies as a gay man and strongly believes in commitment and marriage. He describes himself as a hard core feminist, spiritual but not religious and loves non-Indian TV shows and films.

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