Virtual Bullshitting!

When I was fourteen years old, I acknowledged to myself that I liked the Ladies. The word ‘lesbian’ was not in my dictionary at the time, but I knew I was different and I took a lot of pain to hide this difference. This involved being with boys, talking about boys and even making out with boys! The last part I managed by pretending I was drinking milk…I held my nose and gulped it down. It took me another twelve years to come out to the world, which I did with maximum fanfare and minimum backlash. And I stupidly thought that the difficult part was over.

I had a few relationships between fourteen and coming out which led me to believe that I was a charming, attractive being that straight women just could not resist. Boy…was I in for a surprise. I went from the closet straight into the welcoming arms of the community and found a few women there who I liked and who liked me back. Then the community well dried up. Any new person who wandered into the community was lapped up before I could even exclaim, “Holy New Chick Batman!!” Anonymity was a thing of the past. The minute I introduced myself to someone…connections were being made in the head. “Oh…this is the one…who was seeing that girl…who is now seeing that woman…but was in a relationship with a man for a while…and was dumped by this other woman…and so on and so forth!” It is very disillusioning to realise that others know more about your relationships than you do. My confidence level was reaching negative numbers and therefore I decided to heed a friend’s advice and try online dating. Of course, this was way before TV9’s unethical and insensitive portrayal of gay online dating and relationships.

So I dipped my toe into the mythical pool and searched its depths for the loves and lusts of my life. I did my due diligence and conducted extensive research on several viable sites and finally narrowed it down to three; Radar, BlueCouch and Sock. I then registered myself on these three sites and that itself took about a month. Let’s start with the user name! You have to think of something original, sexy, smart, appropriate and revealing of your inner character and personality, only to find out that the name has already been taken by someone else. By a process of elimination and despair, you finally manage something like…Sexy_Beast123. Then you need to determine the purpose of your visit…chats, casual encounters, serious relationships, sex with other couples etc. I ticked all the boxes to cover every eventuality. Another few days went by in trying to describe myself. I looked at other profiles for inspiration and came across, “Saxy girl from Metro city…wanting to make franship with new peoples….for sax and things…outgoing persnlty!” Sigh! I bumbled on.

I moved on to categorize my smoking, drinking and eating habits, my hobbies, my quirks (of which I have many), lack of interest in exercise, put a label on my identity and physical endowments (I may have exaggerated a bit here). Finally I was ready to be smiled at and messaged by strangers. Brief recaps of conversations I have had with some fabulous people include:

X: A/S/L please?

Me: Ummm…what?

Long Pause

Me: Sorry…I don’t know what that means!

X: Age Sex Location.

Really??? Log out!



Machoman: Butch or Femme???

Me: Butch

MM: okaythenbye!

I have learned now to keep that mystery going on for longer. NEXT!


ArticulateFox: Wht up?

Me: Not much! What’s happening at your end? What do you do?

AF: m wkg @ ops n ban. u?

I got the ‘u’ part and launched into a long explanation describing my work. AF logged out by the time I was done. NEXT!


SilkySmita: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Me: Hey! How are you?

SS: Wanna meet me for some hawt sex?????????

Grrrr! Straight man. NEXT!


Reasonable_Girl: Hi! Do you like poetry?

Me: Not really. Am more of a prose kinda girl!

RG: What? How can you express yourself properly if you don’t read or write poetry? I love Sylvia Plath? Do you? If you haven’t…you should. I sit in a dark room and write lots of poetry. I don’t even eat food until I finish one poem a day…

ME: Wow…

Angry/Suicidal wannabe poet! NEXT!


Titanic4evr: What kinda movies do you like?

Me: Horror, Suspense, Satire…

T4E: Oh…that soooo depressing ya! Try watching movies like All about love, Boy meets Girl, Imagine me and You, New York I Love you…

Me: Will do. Bye!

Not a fan of romantic comedies. NEXT!

This fascinating dialogue between me and complete strangers culminated in the next adventure. MEETING. My friends advised me to meet the blind date in a public space, at a party, coffee shops, pubs, in casual attire, in formal attire, with a different number, with five different names and various such illuminating rubbish. I have followed all the above at some point or the other and have met many wonderful and not so wonderful people through the virtual network. I gave up one fine day when the following conversation took place.

ME: Hey there GrandFinale69!

GrandFinale69: Hi. Your nick sounds familiar. Do you know Threesome23, Black_ninja, Traumatised51Kitty or Chocodelite?

I signed out with my tail tucked between my legs. Back to the drawing board. Sigh

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I, Queerly Yours, am a LUSH (Lesbian Unemployed Super Hero). I hereby solemnly swear that I will use my secret power (Imagination) to overthrow the straight regime, promote queer affairs; both foreign and domestic, provide a weekly dose of fictional lesbian angst and drama, make fun of everything and everyone and of course.....WORLD PEACE.
Queerly Yours

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