Wishing I Could Pick

When I was eleven years old, I had a massive crush on a friend of mine. Well, not friend so much as a an older, very together classmate. Ours was more of a mutual admiration society than a friendship. To her I was this entertaining, super naughty kid in an otherwise rather boring, all-girls convent school. She was a year and a half older (which at that age is a big deal), wore a bra (I was quite the flatron at that time) and was so confident and composed, it amazed me. So we hung out quite a bit, in spite of having entirely different circles, and I so did love being around her, all the while oblivious to the fact that I was crushing on her. I found her a couple of months back on Facebook, and she still remembered me and was all happy that I’d gotten in touch, which I will admit made me very happy during the few days we caught up.)

Then I shifted schools and had this massive, massive two year crush on a boy. He was so perfect, teachers used to speak about his looks. We used to talk about books and the like. Then he left, I continued crushing on him for about a year (in private) and that was that.

After that, I had a couple of silly crushes on senior boys, like almost every teenage girl. When I went to college, I experienced the closest I have ever come to heartbreak. I fell badly for a batchmate, in an obsessive, depressive sort of way. The writing dark, love poems in bulk sort of way. Thankfully, after close to a year I realised nothing was about to happen, shook myself out of it, and got over him.

After that began my phase of a few big crushes on women. Not girl crushes as people assumed, but the real deal. Sexual and all that. On a beautiful, smart, the kind you want to be when you’re in your late teens woman. Which is when I realised that I was crushing on that girl when I was eleven. I spent the next year confused (and alone in my confusion) and being extremely hard on myself. Needless to say, I kept telling myself that it was a phase, and that I was attracted to men. Which I am. Things got more apparent as I found myself being attracted to a few more women in the next few years and soon I stopped fighting it.

Now I’m at a stage where I’ve accepted that I like women. Which is fine. What confuses me though, is that I still am very, very attracted to men. And while I may write posts about and advocate strongly for bisexuality, it sometimes scares me. Because it’s taken me a while to wrap my head around the fact that you could be attracted to the same sex. But to be attracted to both? And I believe in everything I’ve said so far about bisexuality, but just like discovering you are gay, realising you’re bisexual can be too. And you have an even smaller number of people to support you. So yes, Dear Gaysis, I’m scared. Doubly so. Sometimes I wish I could pick one.

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A regular "kaala coat" by day, Jane Doe loves women, and women love her (albeit straight ones). But she also likes men - quite a bit in fact. Just stepping into the real world, she's a little bit of a babe in the woods, but hopes that in a few years she'll be in a position to help change things- whichever side of the rainbow she lands up on.
Jane Doe

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